Finnegan Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 22 minutes ago, Line-X said: If any offence was taken there was no intent - and certainly this isn't the thread to be irksome, assuming that I wanted to, which I don't. You have completely misconstrued the reason for quoting your post, which was largely the theme of "fulfilment". My point was, that so often in contemporary society for many the needs and wants that you mentioned are equated by material gain which are tokens of success. Such ephemera is not conducive to long term and sustainable happiness and as I said, is insatiable. It made no assumptions about you, or your own personal values and expectations which I am in no position or have any right to comment on. We might be tripping over each other's semantics. Fulfilment is literally, as far as I'm concerned, the fulfilment of your emotional needs and wants. That's what the term means. It's all it can mean. If your emotional wants ARE material wants then you're only going to be fulfilled by material gain, which takes me back to my initial point, it's all down to the individual. Only you can really decide what makes you happy, only you really know if you're fulfilled.
SpacedX Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 1 minute ago, Finnegan said: We might be tripping over each other's semantics. Fulfilment is literally, as far as I'm concerned, the fulfilment of your emotional needs and wants. That's what the term means. It's all it can mean. If your emotional wants ARE material wants then you're only going to be fulfilled by material gain, which takes me back to my initial point, it's all down to the individual. Only you can really decide what makes you happy, only you really know if you're fulfilled. And I would argue that subjectivity aside, material gain does not tend to be fulfilling and as is the case so often today, tends to be measured relative to to others or through societal expectations as opposed to ones own. But, I concede, it can serve for some as a distraction or even through the process of acquisition, confer a sense of purpose. I'd also suggest that fulfilment doesn't necessarily involve addressing your own emotional needs and wants - it can be also be of those around you, which can be indirectly gratifying as a result.
Finnegan Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 19 minutes ago, Line-X said: And I would argue that subjectivity aside, material gain does not tend to be fulfilling and as is the case so often today, tends to be measured relative to to others or through societal expectations as opposed to ones own. But, I concede, it can serve for some as a distraction or even through the process of acquisition, confer a sense of purpose. I'd also suggest that fulfilment doesn't necessarily involve addressing your own emotional needs and wants - it can be also be of those around you, which can be indirectly gratifying as a result. Point a, material gain: its really not for you to say what does and doesn't fulfil other people. I agree with you, physical things don't really appease me and nor does wealth but clearly looking around the world a lot of people strive for economic strength and it makes them feel fulfilled to have it. I don't think denying that those people are fulfilled just because we think they shouldn't be is our place. Again, fulfillment and happiness are extremely personal. Regards for second point, philanthropy: those people are still fulfilling their own emotional wants. It doesn't matter if they're looking after other people or finding fulfilment in charity, they're still addressing an emotional want or need in them to be giving.
Crinklyfox Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 20 hours ago, Parafox said: OK, deep breath... I'm currently having some therapy to help me deal with issues that have happened throughout my life. The therapist asked me if I head ever been truly happy in my life. On reflection, I had to say no, for different and various reasons. I really do struggle to find true, long-lasting, genuine happiness. My life has had so many disappointments, struggles, stresses and loss. I'm happy on the face of things but actually... inside I'm living with a lifetime of sadness and emotional struggle. I have no real hobbies or things that will fill my time and I spend hours just doing nothing very productive. I wish I could understand what being genuinely happy is like. I just get on with life and live within my feelings. We adopted both our duaghters, one at 2 and a half yrs old, the second at 6 months. The older one has mental health issues from her early life trauma (being offered to male birth family members for sex at 1 yr old as well as neglect, nappies not changed for days and left cold and hungry outside pubs). That brings huge emotional pressures to us and has caused us 20 years of distress and despair. I have lost 2 grandaughters to adoption becuse our eldest daughter was so mentally incapable of caring for them. That has had a huge traumatic effect on her which we are still trying to manage 10 years on. I feel like I'm stuck in my life. I'm not a naturally outgoing person and I do find that casual friendships never progress as I don't like giving too much of myself towards them. Am I alone or do others have similarly abject lifestyles? Apologies but I needed to ask... Apologies for the late response but I've not been on FT for a while. Firstly I can understand your feelings to a degree. I'm of a similar vintage to you and it's easy to look at others and envy their apparent successes and happiness, and to feel that you've got it wrong and there's no second chance. We measure ourselves by happiness - it's the ultimate currency. We work to survive and any extra goes on trying to make our loved ones and ourselves happy. We take up hobbies, have interests and even post on FT because it makes us happy. Like a currency we don't have happiness all the time, and if we've been unhappy for a long time then the resources we had banked have gone and misery and despair can set in. Unhappiness can be so overwhelming that we may ignore the good things in our lives, or discount them as meaningless. Children can acutely give us happiness or take it away because we feel responsible for them, even for the things we cannot control in their lives. When we're drained of happiness we don't have much resource to give to others and relationships can become difficult. You have many drains on your happiness resource so it's not surprising that you feel the way you do. There's no single solution but I would suggest trying to take some time out of your home situation, perhaps for a sport or hobby where you can interact with others without needing to make close friends. I play bowls, it gets me out of the home environment, most of the other club members are around my age (i.e. retired), and the social side of the club complements the sporting side. If I'm having a bad day at home I can escape for a couple of hours and return mentally refreshed.
Trav Le Bleu Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 Needs and wants. One of the keys of happiness is, if you have what you need, then you should want for nothing. Not saying you can't aspire for anything or desire anything, but if you're easily content, then you're going to be content a lot more than most people. Enjoy the now when it's good and when it's bad, know it's not going to last forever.
SpacedX Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 9 minutes ago, Finnegan said: Point a, material gain: its really not for you to say what does and doesn't fulfil other people. I'm not. I'm simply venturing that material happiness is by nature transient and consequently needs replenishing. The act of doing so my indeed assign purpose to people's lives which I would again suggest is more rewarding to them than the actual possession itself. 11 minutes ago, Finnegan said: but clearly looking around the world a lot of people strive for economic strength and it makes them feel fulfilled to have it. How have you established this? As you said yourself, only the individual can know what truly makes them happy, and the tragedy is, many of us do not. Also, economic strength does not necessarily mean material gain particularly since the latter can compromise the former. 27 minutes ago, Finnegan said: Point a, material gain: its really not for you to say what does and doesn't fulfil other people. I agree with you, physical things don't really appease me and nor does wealth but clearly looking around the world a lot of people strive for economic strength and it makes them feel fulfilled to have it. I don't think denying that those people are fulfilled just because we think they shouldn't be is our place. Again, fulfillment and happiness are extremely personal. Regards for second point, philanthropy: those people are still fulfilling their own emotional wants. It doesn't matter if they're looking after other people or finding fulfilment in charity, they're still addressing an emotional want or need in them to be giving. I'm not denying anything, and I haven't suggested that they shouldn't - merely that they may well not be. As I said previously, my post "made no assumptions about you, or your own personal values and expectations which I am in no position or have any right to comment on." Just as I have no right to comment upon anyone else. 25 minutes ago, Finnegan said: Again, fulfillment and happiness are extremely personal. Which does not mean that the nature of this is not beyond objective examination or discussion. 28 minutes ago, Finnegan said: Regards for second point, philanthropy: those people are still fulfilling their own emotional wants. It doesn't matter if they're looking after other people or finding fulfilment in charity, they're still addressing an emotional want or need in them to be giving. In terms of altruism that may very often be the case. However, by fulfilling the needs and wants of others (our friends, loved ones, community and fellow human beings) in our daily lives unconsciously through our own deeds and actions may also instil happiness without actually looking for it or identifying it as a "want or need".
Kitchandro Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 2 hours ago, Line-X said: If any offence was taken there was no intent - and certainly this isn't the thread to be irksome, assuming that I wanted to, which I don't. You have completely misconstrued the reason for quoting your post, which was largely the theme of "fulfilment". My point was, that so often in contemporary society for many the needs and wants that you mentioned are equated by material gain which are tokens of success. Such ephemera is not conducive to long term and sustainable happiness and as I said, is insatiable. It made no assumptions about you, or your own personal values and expectations which I am in no position or have any right to comment on. Thing is, I don't think material acquisitions were brought up by anyone. I think it's a very easy answer for people to say don't focus on material goods. But when that's not the problem, when a person actually can't get a feeling of fulfilment from anything, or things other people get it from, they struggle with constructive advice. As for fulfilling the needs and wants of people around you, I can understand the argument, but Parafox has saved lives and such and that obviously hasn't fulfilled him. And then there's the point Trav made about not wanting anything. Again, in theory that makes sense, but that's not necessarily reality. You can convince everyone else that you don't want certain things, but never yourself. I think it's hard for people to accept the answer isn't always straightforward, and it isn't always the same.
Kitchandro Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 Another point about material goods: I bought a hat yesterday. I like it. It's a nice hat. It made me feel good to own this hat. Now, owning this hat isn't going to make me happy forever. And I wasn't miserable before because I didn't own a hat. But for a short while, it was nice to have a hat. How is that different to appreciating the little things? Sometimes, maybe material goods do help some people feel happy more than things with more depth, because those things in their life are actually in quite a negative place.
SpacedX Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 2 minutes ago, Kitchandro said: Thing is, I don't think material acquisitions were brought up by anyone. No, which is precisely why I raised it. Also, in response to Finnegan's post identifying wants and needs. When those are of the material kind they can often wrongly be equated with happiness - which is often how they are sold in the increasingly consumer based society that we live in. 8 minutes ago, Kitchandro said: As for fulfilling the needs and wants of people around you... This was made not in response to the OP but the notion that happiness was not necessarily in terms of our own emotional needs and wants but can be engendered by creating harmony with those around you. Note "can" - none of these observations are absolutes. 6 minutes ago, Kitchandro said: I think it's hard for people to accept the answer isn't always straightforward, and it isn't always the same. Agree.
Countryfox Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 Para .. Can you take a break ? ... Have a holiday or just a weekend away ? ... Everyone can think of a million reasons why they are too busy to get away but just do it ... But, if all else fails take Kitchs advice and buy a hat ! ... And by the way you have my utmost respect for the job you do and how you have helped your daughters ... An awful lot of people would not be able to cope with that (me included) ... I wish you all the best.
Webbo Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 It's hard to know what to say in these threads without sounding trite and insincere. I think all of us on here wish you well though.
Izzy Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 In the book I mentioned ('Be Happy Now' by Micheal Neill), he talks about four different types of happiness that people can experience. 1. Instant gratification, short lived, in the moment type happiness. Like when Leicester score or you shoot your load 2. The brief and temporary feeling of happiness attained by doing/owning something nice. Like driving a fast car or buying and wearing a new hat like Kitch did 3. Happiness gained from the satisfaction of setting out and completing a challenge. Like climbing Everest or a doing amarathon or finishing a successful project at work. 4. Long term, sustained, true happiness that lives with us every day. That feeling of contentment, peace of mind and generally being at ease with ourselves and the world around us. I'm guessing @Parafox is probably talking about number 4 in his OP...
Parafox Posted 25 November 2017 Author Posted 25 November 2017 1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said: In the book I mentioned ('Be Happy Now' by Micheal Neill), he talks about four different types of happiness that people can experience. 1. Instant gratification, short lived, in the moment type happiness. Like when Leicester score or you shoot your load 2. The brief and temporary feeling of happiness attained by doing/owning something nice. Like driving a fast car or buying and wearing a new hat like Kitch did 3. Happiness gained from the satisfaction of setting out and completing a challenge. Like climbing Everest or a doing amarathon or finishing a successful project at work. 4. Long term, sustained, true happiness that lives with us every day. That feeling of contentment, peace of mind and generally being at ease with ourselves and the world around us. I'm guessing @Parafox is probably talking about number 4 in his OP... Number 4 is right. I can get temporary happiness from doing things, I've flown a light aircraft, had a helicopter trip, driven a Bugatti Veron and a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin Vantage around a race track. Those were amazing experiences and I loved every minute. However they're transient, in the moment, and once they're done it's over and you have the memories to look back on. What I seem to struggle with is feeling deprived of long term happiness for so many years because of the hand life has dealt me and now finding it so hard to find that again, not that I remember much true happiness in my whole life. People that feel fulfillment in their day to day lives are probably few and far between. I have read and taken on board the responses from FT contributors and I do intend to set time aside for ME and try to remember the positives that I have brought to this world. Thank you everyone. Izzy, Countryfox, Kitch, I don't know you, yet I feel I do
Izzy Posted 25 November 2017 Posted 25 November 2017 17 minutes ago, Parafox said: Number 4 is right. I can get temporary happiness from doing things, I've flown a light aircraft, had a helicopter trip, driven a Bugatti Veron and a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin Vantage around a race track. Those were amazing experiences and I loved every minute. However they're transient, in the moment, and once they're done it's over and you have the memories to look back on. What I seem to struggle with is feeling deprived of long term happiness for so many years because of the hand life has dealt me and now finding it so hard to find that again, not that I remember much true happiness in my whole life. People that feel fulfillment in their day to day lives are probably few and far between. I have read and taken on board the responses from FT contributors and I do intend to set time aside for ME and try to remember the positives that I have brought to this world. Thank you everyone. Izzy, Countryfox, Kitch, I don't know you, yet I feel I do I know I keep banging on about this book Para (it's brilliant btw) but there was a very interesting chapter in it that really resonated with me... Michael Neill talks about a maximum number of 'happiness points' available to all of us in life, and how we're all programmed differently to achieve a certain top score (I may have mentioned this in the depression thread before) He describes a scale of 1-1000 with 1000 being the most 'happiness points' anyone could ever have in life. What he suggests is that no matter what some of us do and how hard we try, we're just not capable of achieving anywhere near that maximum number. It's in our genes and passed down to us and there's not a lot we can do about it really. I thought about the times where I've been happiest in my life and compared that to how I experienced others who are happy. I reckon the maximum 'happiness points' available to me is about 400, whereas I see some friends walking around daily with a natural happy disposition at about 400 anyway! Their maximum number available to them is probably 900+ and I really envy them. I guess some people are just capable of being more 'happy' than others... Maybe the reason I think my maximum points available is low has something to do with my depression and my mothers depression. Her Dad also suffered so we're just not a very happy family really! And my 11 year old daughter already says she's anxious and depressed so fvck knows what the future has in store for her... One quote that helped me though was when Neill says "Happiness leads to success much more often than success leads to happiness". His point being that the majority of us go through life thinking "I'll be happy when....." (I meet the right woman, win the lottery, pay off the mortgage, find the prefect job, etc. etc.) He suggests that if we choose to be happy first, then success is more likely to follow as we appear more 'magnetic' to those that we interact with - "fake it til to you make it" I suppose. Anyway, I hope this thread has made you realise what a hero we all think you are mate. Many of us have said there's no way we could have done what you've done or coped with what you've coped with.
Wymsey Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 I find personal happiness is through helping others in need/going through tough times. It's that sense that someone appreciates your assistance and advice etc, and it does give you that warmth feeling as well as that you're empathetic towards someone else's situation. If people appreciate my efforts in helping them anyway I can when I have any opportunity to, that would boost my morale by a great deal; as someone who normally, but sometimes too much at times, puts others before themselves. If I won the lottery, I'd still place other valuable non-monetary things in life, such as above, higher than financial gain. I certainly don't agree that monetary success equates to happiness, even if you made it yourself after years and years of working towards this type of target. I know a couple of people that became obsessed with making it, to the point where they've spent a fortune on things that made them to regret doing it later on and are now redundant and family are helping them. Hence, personally see effective human-human relationships (alongside healthy living, of course), and the friendship/support you gain from it, as more linked to happiness than other life aspects.
Milo Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 On 24/11/2017 at 19:21, Parafox said: I'm currently having some therapy to help me deal with issues that have happened throughout my life. The therapist asked me if I head ever been truly happy in my life. On reflection, I had to say no, for different and various reasons. I really do struggle to find true, long-lasting, genuine happiness. My life has had so many disappointments, struggles, stresses and loss. I'm happy on the face of things but actually... inside I'm living with a lifetime of sadness and emotional struggle. I have no real hobbies or things that will fill my time and I spend hours just doing nothing very productive. I wish I could understand what being genuinely happy is like. I just get on with life and live within my feelings. We adopted both our duaghters, one at 2 and a half yrs old, the second at 6 months. The older one has mental health issues from her early life trauma (being offered to male birth family members for sex at 1 yr old as well as neglect, nappies not changed for days and left cold and hungry outside pubs). That brings huge emotional pressures to us and has caused us 20 years of distress and despair. I have lost 2 grandaughters to adoption becuse our eldest daughter was so mentally incapable of caring for them. That has had a huge traumatic effect on her which we are still trying to manage 10 years on. I feel like I'm stuck in my life. I'm not a naturally outgoing person and I do find that casual friendships never progress as I don't like giving too much of myself towards them. Am I alone or do others have similarly abject lifestyles? Brave post - and I would like to echo the sentiments of those who have replied with their support and thoughts. (Apart from the two that are having a 'my cocks bigger than yours' ding dong) You do an amazing job - have you ever calculated how many lives you've saved? And then multiply that by the number of husbands/wives/children that have been positively affected by what you've done? There's not many on here that can say that they've had such an influence on people's lives. As for what you have done regarding adopting your daughters - I have nothing but massive respect (and a great feeling of inadequacy as I would not have the ability, compassion or the balls to do such a thing) And for the bigger question regarding happiness - from a personal perspective, I looked for something that made me happy, and then engineered either a job, hobby or lifestyle choice around it. Obviously it doesn't always pan out exactly like that - but I felt I always needed to set a goal and work towards it. Maybe that could be a potential starting point? For example, I realised I enjoyed sunshine and the sea - so when I was younger I got a job on a ship and spent 10 years sailing around the world...! (I really couldn't understand why my friends left school and went to work in a factory or Debenhams..??) When I left the sea I couldn't see myself in an office job, so started a company that would give me what I needed. (no huge investment, just an idea that I wanted to work for myself). I recently wanted a new car (which does actually make me happy!) so I had to change the business to make more money to get the car, etc.. Working for myself also allows me the flexibility of time to spend with the family that my corporate peers just don't have and gives the work/life balance that I want. This isn't any magic wand type solution - and obviously you're not going to drop everything and run away to sea, etc - it is a response in your question about the possibility of happiness being achieved. For me the answer is yes, but I need to plan a bit and work towards it. I really hope you find something that you can enjoy doing - whether it is, as mentioned above, going for a walk, brewing some beer or something as mad as building a car.
Guest Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 14 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said: I know I keep banging on about this book Para (it's brilliant btw) but there was a very interesting chapter in it that really resonated with me... Michael Neill talks about a maximum number of 'happiness points' available to all of us in life, and how we're all programmed differently to achieve a certain top score (I may have mentioned this in the depression thread before) He describes a scale of 1-1000 with 1000 being the most 'happiness points' anyone could ever have in life. What he suggests is that no matter what some of us do and how hard we try, we're just not capable of achieving anywhere near that maximum number. It's in our genes and passed down to us and there's not a lot we can do about it really. I thought about the times where I've been happiest in my life and compared that to how I experienced others who are happy. I reckon the maximum 'happiness points' available to me is about 400, whereas I see some friends walking around daily with a natural happy disposition at about 400 anyway! Their maximum number available to them is probably 900+ and I really envy them. I guess some people are just capable of being more 'happy' than others... Maybe the reason I think my maximum points available is low has something to do with my depression and my mothers depression. Her Dad also suffered so we're just not a very happy family really! And my 11 year old daughter already says she's anxious and depressed so fvck knows what the future has in store for her... One quote that helped me though was when Neill says "Happiness leads to success much more often than success leads to happiness". His point being that the majority of us go through life thinking "I'll be happy when....." (I meet the right woman, win the lottery, pay off the mortgage, find the prefect job, etc. etc.) He suggests that if we choose to be happy first, then success is more likely to follow as we appear more 'magnetic' to those that we interact with - "fake it til to you make it" I suppose. Anyway, I hope this thread has made you realise what a hero we all think you are mate. Many of us have said there's no way we could have done what you've done or coped with what you've coped with. I think you write some great things and without knowing you at all you come across as a really nice guy but I think this 400 or a 1000 pts thing is crap. Happiness is down to how you compare life, alter your life view scale and you'll be happy. I feel happy at least once everyday (and mostly many more times) - I actually say to myself I'm happy. For example this morning I got out of bed and sat on the loo for the morning shit, heard the sound of the sea out the toilet window and said to myself I'm happy. I think I realise how much worse my situation could be and also how much worse a person I could be (I have no doubts that I could easily be a horrible bastard of a person) . This alone makes me feel happy.
Izzy Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 34 minutes ago, FIF said: I think you write some great things and without knowing you at all you come across as a really nice guy but I think this 400 or a 1000 pts thing is crap. Happiness is down to how you compare life, alter your life view scale and you'll be happy. I feel happy at least once everyday (and mostly many more times) - I actually say to myself I'm happy. For example this morning I got out of bed and sat on the loo for the morning shit, heard the sound of the sea out the toilet window and said to myself I'm happy. I think I realise how much worse my situation could be and also how much worse a person I could be (I have no doubts that I could easily be a horrible bastard of a person) . This alone makes me feel happy. I didn’t write the book FIF - don’t shoot the messenger!!! I actually do believe that some people are just naturally capable of being more happy in life than others. Look at many ‘successful’ people who walk around with a face like a smacked arse - nothing it seems will make them happy. And look at some people who live in slums with absolutely nothing and they’re happy as Larry. I’m convinced our genetics and our environment both have a role to play in our happiness. I agree with your last point totally. Whenever I’m feeling down, I just try and get grateful instead. I soon count my blessings and feel much happier.
Countryfox Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 31 minutes ago, FIF said: I have no doubts that I could easily be a horrible bastard of a person ... ... Get out of here Prof ! ... I don't believe you for one minute ! 31 minutes ago, FIF said: this morning I got out of bed and sat on the loo for the morning shit .. and said to myself I'm happy. Got to agree with that one .. having a good sh1t always gives pleasure and puts a smile on your face ... tbf though not quite sure its really part of long term happiness ... Perhaps though ... if you buy a new hat and then, wearing it, have a good sh1t whilst reading a Michael Neill book and listening to a recording of waves breaking on the shore ... we could be on to something !!
Buce Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 47 minutes ago, FIF said: I think you write some great things and without knowing you at all you come across as a really nice guy but I think this 400 or a 1000 pts thing is crap. Happiness is down to how you compare life, alter your life view scale and you'll be happy. I feel happy at least once everyday (and mostly many more times) - I actually say to myself I'm happy. For example this morning I got out of bed and sat on the loo for the morning shit, heard the sound of the sea out the toilet window and said to myself I'm happy. I think I realise how much worse my situation could be and also how much worse a person I could be (I have no doubts that I could easily be a horrible bastard of a person) . This alone makes me feel happy. Nah... Too easy.
Trav Le Bleu Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 2 hours ago, FIF said: I think you write some great things and without knowing you at all you come across as a really nice guy but I think this 400 or a 1000 pts thing is crap. Happiness is down to how you compare life, alter your life view scale and you'll be happy. I feel happy at least once everyday (and mostly many more times) - I actually say to myself I'm happy. For example this morning I got out of bed and sat on the loo for the morning shit, heard the sound of the sea out the toilet window and said to myself I'm happy. I think I realise how much worse my situation could be and also how much worse a person I could be (I have no doubts that I could easily be a horrible bastard of a person) . This alone makes me feel happy. So you sat on the loo and heard large waves being created.
Trav Le Bleu Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 @Parafox You say you have no real hobbies, but I imagine there must be things you enjoy doing. Time to find a hobby, put some time aside for yourself. Doesn't have to be anything ambitious or demanding (I'd say given your already demanding life, the less demanding the better), just something that takes you out of your everyday life. Some people consider listening to music or reading books a hobby, which is simple enough. I find that as people grow older and especially as they get family responsibilities (I find that this doesn't happen so much with childless couples) they stop doing the things they enjoyed in their youth (and I don't mean sex ) so they don't listen to music just to listen to music, it becomes something on in the background and they start reading newspapers and magazines instead of books. Oh yeah. Newspapers and magazines. Mostly paid for by advertising, the great unnoticed evil of modern life. It's purpose is to make you either worried or dissatisfied. I gave up on both long ago. Sure I still see adverts, but usually it's because it's my decision to investigate something I was already interested in. Nothing worse than being convinced to do/buy something you didn't need to do/buy, only to find that, indeed, you didn't need to do it or buy it. Do you find it easy to say, "no" to people? Can I borrow £100? Joking aside, that can be terrible, because sometimes you need to. I'd wager you're someone who likes to help where possible. Except maybe the "where possible" bit has become a little blurred. Not everything can be solved, not everything has an answer and even if it does, maybe you are not the person to provide it. Being in control of your life, which goes a long way to being happy, can mean sometimes refusing to be the person who takes control. We all need to recognise the situations where we're better off delegating or just walking away. My last point, on rather a rambling post, is exercise. It's true - exercise makes you happy. Doesn't have to be gym or jogging, go for a walk (get a dog if you need a reason (though there's not much happiness to be found in picking up poo)), ride a bike, some gardening. You feel better in yourself and that gives a feeling of achievement. Right, I'm going to stop rambling, feels more like I'm preaching than giving advice. Take care everyone! Love you all... Except... Only joking! Seriously though, there's not enough space.
Parafox Posted 26 November 2017 Author Posted 26 November 2017 2 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said: @Parafox Do you find it easy to say, "no" to people? Can I borrow £100? Joking aside, that can be terrible, because sometimes you need to. I'd wager you're someone who likes to help where possible. Except maybe the "where possible" bit has become a little blurred. Not everything can be solved, not everything has an answer and even if it does, maybe you are not the person to provide it. Being in control of your life, which goes a long way to being happy, can mean sometimes refusing to be the person who takes control. We all need to recognise the situations where we're better off delegating or just walking away. My last point, on rather a rambling post, is exercise. It's true - exercise makes you happy. Doesn't have to be gym or jogging, go for a walk (get a dog if you need a reason (though there's not much happiness to be found in picking up poo)), ride a bike, some gardening. You feel better in yourself and that gives a feeling of achievement. You're right, I do find it hard to say no because I'm pretty conciliatory by nature and usually am the one to try to sort it out when friends and family have problems. I don't mean emotional or personal problems necessarily but practical difficulties. The counsellor has said pretty much the same things to me as you have posted, that I should not always jump to help even when I know I can't but that I should be more generous in giving time to myself. To "let go" is not to stop caring, it just means I can't do what is needed for someone right now or not at all, sometimes. To "let go" is not to care for but to care about and that's where having control of one's life can be gained. I need to stop feeling guilty when I can't help, particularly in my eldest daughter's case. And... I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago to give me time away so I'm not at the end of the phone all the time where my daughter can't contact me and badger and bully me as she tends to do when she wants something. I do feel better after a visit there. Thanks for taking the time to respond, though. Everyone has been so generous in their replies, thanks all.
GaelicFox Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 True happiness is possible it’s a fixed state of mind and a lack of Mind deviation issue is very few (no one on this site) has the ability to reach that but I believe some very structured religious orders have managed to achieve it
Guest Posted 26 November 2017 Posted 26 November 2017 11 minutes ago, GaelicFox said: True happiness is possible it’s a fixed state of mind and a lack of Mind deviation issue is very few (no one on this site) has the ability to reach that but I believe some very structured religious orders have managed to achieve it I thought religion was brainwashing. I guess that can help you believe you are happy.
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