Funniest thing you ever saw/heard

[Realjimbo]

For me it was winter, early morning, I was newly wed living in Anstey opposite a convenience store, a well known snooty woman was exiting the shop with her posh dog, it tugged and said snooty cow was dragged down the icy steps on her bony arse, she struggled up then beat the wretched beast into circles with its lead  crying "bleeding dog"... thus confirming that she was as suspected common as the rest of us! I had to sit down for a minute after this.

About the same time I remember the totally out there Kenny Everett on R1 doing one of his famous sketches ( this one  I believe contributed to his getting banned - again).

Done in the correct voice " Mr Kipling was a bit of an old Bas*ard, but he did make exceedingly good cakes", I fell off a sawstool at work!

[VLC86]

Not sure if it’s the funniest but it still cracks me up...

 

Sat in the waiting room to my Dr’s and as always they are really late. The nurse walks out and calls “Mr Smith” no reply “Mr Smith” she says a bit louder looking around the waiting room, a third time this time much louder “MR SMITH” before walking over to some old bloke, gets in his face and shouts “MR SMITH, ARE YOU HERE FOR YOUR HEARING TEST”. I lost it.

[mabrah]

I lived in Boston, Massachusetts for a year. Hungover one Saturday morning, I went in search of my preferred cure - a chocolate milkshake (they're known as frappes there BTW) Found a place, ordered my frappe. Waiter brings over 2 large glasses, both filled to the brim. "Oh, I only ordered one" I say. "It is one" he replied "it comes in two glasses"

[The Syrup]

Overheard a woman on a train referring to her ginger boyfriend as wotsits willy

[fazzyfox]

I was at a village v village match and it became clear that a woman with her young child stood next to me was the wife of left winger, "look daddies got the ball" etc...just call me Sherlock. Opposition right back kicks him where it hurts and as physio runs on with village football token injury solution of bucket and sponge a drunken fan shouts out "His Mrs won't be getting any tonight!". It was Ricky Gervais-esque skin crawling and funny at the same time.

[foxile5]

Once, after a heavy drinking session, a mate of mine was starving.

 

The host agreed he could have all of his sausages on the proviso he ate them with dog food. 

 

I don't know what he was thinking but he cut the sausages length wise, loaded the dog food on and covered them with cheese. The gusto with which he attacked them tickled me endlessly. I know it's puerile but it really got me for some reason.

 

Also, when I was nineteen I was visiting Amsterdam with some pals. Tagging along was your archetypal stoner. Oblivious to the world and nearly braindead. He was about to walk into a row of bicycles, god knows how impaired he was, but a friend shouted him. The entire group turned and watched as he dodged the bikes, walked head first into a lamp-post and the impact dislodged his belt somehow. His trousers hit the deck. Utterly hilarious. 

[Free Falling Foxes]

This will probably not seem funny in the telling but at the time had me in tears of laughter.

It was a quiz on BBC Merseyside and the host Billy Butler would give massive clues to the answer. He gave one contestant 3 different clues which she managed to get right but still could not put them together for the complete answer.

I wish I could find a clip somewhere.

 

Edit: Found it.......stick with it.

https://youtu.be/IWOf4ijp-Rk

 

 

 

[Parafox]

Sometimes you just have to be there,

 

In my job... the guy who's scrotum was stuck on a bedpost after trying a dynamic leap onto the bed to impress his girlfriend, the woman who's fat ass was "impaled" on a mattress bedspring after having sex with her boyriend, the bloke trying to give his dog a treat by holding a biscuit in his mouth but in the process the dog had bitten his bottom lip off and the bloke was waiting for us at his door with a cigarette dangling from his missing flesh with just his teeth exposed and him trying to speak coherently. I can't put in written words how it sounded.

I once dared my young trainee crewmate to pretend to be Australian as she was able to do a very good Aussie accent. Unbelievably, we were sent to a call where the patient was genuine Aussie. In conversation the patient asked my crewmate where in Australia she came from. No answer, just a terrified, helpless glance in my direction.

And again true, attending a call from a city centre store where a lady was at the bottom of the escalator having fallen, my crewmate asked, quite reasonably in conversation, "where are you from"? and her reply was "women's underwear"

These are the things amongst others, that shouldn't, but still do, make me laugh.

[Mike Oxlong]

Did a double take when I saw a woman with no legs in a shoe shop.

 

She was there to buy a handbag 

[Alf Bentley]

1 minute ago, Mike Oxlong said:

Did a double take when I saw a woman with no legs in a shoe shop.

 

She was there to buy a handbag 

 

If you ever lose your penis, you'll have to change your name to Mike Oxgone. Just saying....

[Mike Oxlong]

28 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

If you ever lose your penis, you'll have to change your name to Mike Oxgone. Just saying....

Or Schlongone

[Izzy]

 

[EastAnglianFox]

Always gets me

 

 

[SouthStandUpperTier]

There was I guy I used to work with who would say some unintentionally hilarious things, mainly by getting people or names mixed up. My favourite was when he asked me if I'd seen any of the Taken films, starring Nick Leeson.

[VLC86]

2 hours ago, EastAnglianFox said:

Always gets me

 

 

Same, incredible