The joke thread

[AoWW]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won!

[Jake_Foxes]

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Dam !

Not very good but makes me laugh.

[samingram_uk]

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Dam !

Not very good but makes me laugh.

Off the Penguine wrapper

[General Smuts]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won!

Are you perchance a teacher? Because that was too educational for you not to be.

That joke was like when you go for a pee and you learn italian at Frankie and Benny's - fun AND educational.

[Phube]

Little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

This is good - wait for it..............

Ready...............

"your mother must have been a carrier"

[City Fan]

This is good - wait for it..............

Now that bit has to be the funniest joke in this thread......

[Wycombe Fox]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre diving board, did a two and a half tuck followed by three rotations in the pike position, straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said "That was incredible!".

He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing lengths. After seventy-five, she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?".

"No", she replied, "I was a prostitute in London, but I worked both sides of the river."

[General Smuts]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fook your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[General Smuts]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "fook YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fook you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[General Smuts]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Im in a frisky jokey kinda mood.

[Webbo]

Why did Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

[Royston.]

A Leeds Utd fan is seen in a pub wearing a t-shirt with 4 words on it.

No.1 PREMIERSHIP

No.2 CHAMPIONSHIP

No.3 RECEIVERSHIP

No.4 ABANDON SHIP

[General Smuts]

A Leeds Utd fan is seen in a pub wearing a t-shirt with 4 words on it.

No.1 PREMIERSHIP

No.2 CHAMPIONSHIP

No.3 RECEIVERSHIP

No.4 ABANDON SHIP

lol lol

[marge simpson]

A woman goes to the doctors with a bee stuck up her fanny

doctor has a look and says I've got an idea, if i smear honey on my todger and offer it up the bee will smell the honey and follow it out.

the woman agrees to the idea and takes her clothes off and lays on the couch,the doctor puts it in and the woman moans, so he sticks it in a bit further, the woman moans again, so the doctor decides to really give it some, the woman yells what the fook are you playing at, the doctor says well i dont think its gonna come out so we have a change of plan......

im gonna drown the bugger :D

[davieG]

A woman goes to the doctors with a bee stuck up her fanny

doctor has a look and says I've got an idea, if i smear honey on my todger and offer it up the bee will smell the honey and follow it out.

the woman agrees to the idea and takes her clothes off and lays on the couch,the doctor puts it in and the woman moans, so he sticks it in a bit further, the woman moans again, so the doctor decides to really give it some, the woman yells what the fook are you playing at, the doctor says well i dont think its gonna come out so we have a change of plan......

im gonna drown the bugger

You can't beat schoolboy humour!

[Guest seanfox778]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances,to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new

father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,including the wedding party, was an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them. fter just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, F--- you!' Then he turned to his bride & said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned ack to the dumfounded crowd & said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people would have cancelled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. is revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all,

trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card 'PRICELESS' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends:$32,000...

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: 3,000...

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui:$8,500...

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man:

Priceless...

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - - -

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[dhermon]

European Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran

out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised

its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher

levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of

alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and

excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the

only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[Guest seanfox778]

European Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran

out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised

its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher

levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of

alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and

excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the

only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[Zingari]

Hossein Kaebi calls his mum after his first game at Leicester

When Kaebi comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" says his Mum, "That's not good enough ! Its your bloody fault that we moved to Leicester in the first place!

Edited 11 August 2007 by Bluesbrother

[lildave3]

Hossein Kaebi calls his mum after his first game at Leicester

When Kaebi comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" says his Mum, "That's not good enough ! Its your bloody fault that we moved to Leicester in the first place!

[General Smuts]

Hossein Kaebi calls his mum after his first game at Leicester

When Kaebi comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" says his Mum, "That's not good enough ! Its your bloody fault that we moved to Leicester in the first place!

Tee Hee Hee!

[potter3]

Hmmm, a bit lot dated but it makes me laugh

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers.

A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[MPH]

Two pieces of black tarmac are standing in the pub having a pint one of them turns to the other one and says:

" i'm well 'ard i am. I'm from that road down the way, I get loads of cars going over me every day! I'm well 'ard!"

The other one replies:

" you think thats hard? I'm from the motorway.. i get thousands of cars AND lorrys going over me every hour! It's me whos well 'ard!!"

The other one looks pretty impressed and replies:

" wow, yeah, thats pretty hard.." They both nod and sup their pints.

shortly after this the doors of the pub burst open and standing in the doorway is a piece of green tarmac. The two pieces of black tarmac take one look at him and dive behind the table. The green tarmac comes in, giving it large and struts his way to the bar, pays for a beer, necks it in one and slams the empty glass on the bar. He takes a look around the pub and struts his way out of the door. Only when he's gone do the two pieces of black tarmac come out from behind the table still shaking.

The barman looks at them and says:

" Whats the matter with you pair? whats with the green tarmac?"

'Well' says one of them.. 'You dont want to mess with him... he's a cycle path, he is!!!!'

Edited 13 August 2007 by MPH

[potter3]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

[lildave3]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

Quality Potter