The joke thread

[hairy]

[DB11]

Hossein Kaebi calls his mum after his first game at Leicester

When Kaebi comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" says his Mum, "That's not good enough ! Its your bloody fault that we moved to Leicester in the first place!

Been reading the Reader's Digest lately?

[Tevez]

Liverpool airport was closed for four hours today after police found a suspicious car parked outside. It was taxed, insured and still had its radio.

[Nod.E]

Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman, all discussing families. Englishman says

" My son was born on St.Georges day so i called him george "

Scotsman says

" What a coincidence, my son was born on St.Andrews day so i called him Andrew! "

Irishman says

" I don't fooking believe this, wait till i tell our pancake! "

[General Smuts]

Right here's a few near knuckle pearlers ...

Whats Blind And Screams?

Stevie Wonder Answering The Iron

-----------------------------------------------------------

Whats Red And Hangs Around A ****?

Gordon Brown's Tie

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dodgy chat up line...

'Tte names bond'

'James Bond?'

'No, Uni Bond, and im here to fill your crack'

-----------------------------------------------------------

A thank you ...

[Micky Ruddle]

Right here's a few near knuckle pearlers ...

Whats Blind And Screams?

Stevie Wonder Answering The Iron

-----------------------------------------------------------

Whats Red And Hangs Around A ****?

Gordon Brown's Tie

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dodgy chat up line...

'Tte names bond'

'James Bond?'

'No, Uni Bond, and im here to fill your crack'

-----------------------------------------------------------

A thank you ...

Gooden'

[Raj]

An Oirish Story.

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10

pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another

and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,

how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[Webbo]

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[lee7]

An Oirish Story.

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10

pound note appears.

"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another

and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,

how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

[Zingari]

not so much of a joke ; its a true story

martin peters was asked recently how the england team of '66 would compare to the present day england team and what would be the result if they played ;

he said " i'd say a 1-1 draw would be about right ...........................but most of us are about 70 years old now "

well said peters

[Geo V]

John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at Heathrow Airport.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. John said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Hold on a sec, ave you heard you can drink jet fuel an get a buzz? Do you wanna try it?' So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, `Hey, how are you feeling today?' John says, 'Smashing! What about you?' Jim says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?' John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs bollocks! -- no hangover, nothin. We should do this more often`

Jim says 'Aye, well there's just the one thing.' 'What's at then?''Have you farted yet?'' Er, - No 'Well, dont, 'cause I'm in fu**in Norway!

[Lillehamring]

European Heighten Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran

out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised

its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher

levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of

alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and

excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the

only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

great - actually laughed out loud, thanks

[Raj]

Jim says 'Aye, well there's just the one thing.' 'What's at then?''Have you farted yet?'' Er, - No 'Well, dont, 'cause I'm in fu**in Norway!

BOOM BOOM!!!!

[Lillehamring]

Are you perchance a teacher? Because that was too educational for you not to be.

That joke was like when you go for a pee and you learn italian at Frankie and Benny's - fun AND educational.

heh, which is actually funnier than the joke itself!

[Geo V]

BOOM BOOM!!!!

Do you want to know whats probably funnier than the joke? That muggings here got this joke via email and he is Scottish and like a prat, I sat there and converted half the text from Scottish slang to the Queens English . Here is the Original....

> > John and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft

> > mechanics at Aberdeen Airport.

> >

> > One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar

> > with nothing to do.

> >

> > John said, 'Man, I wish we hid sommin to drink!'

> >

> > Jim says, 'Me in a. Y'kaen, a've heard ye can drink jet fuel an get a

> > buzz. Di ye wanna try it?'

> >

> > So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane jet fuel

> > hooch and got completely smashed.

> >

> > The next morning John wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

> > In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

> >

> > NO bad side effects. Nothing!

> >

> > Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, Hey, how ye feeling the

> > day?'

> >

> > John says, 'Smashing! Fit about you?'

> >

> > Jim says, 'Brand spanking new! Got a hangover?'

> >

> > John says , 'No that jet fuel is just the dogs bollocks! -- nae

> > hangover, nethin. We shid dee this mair afen'

> >

> > Jim says 'Aye, well there's jist the one thing.'

> >

> > 'Fit's at then?'

> >

> > 'Hiv yi farted yet?'

> >

> > ' Er, - No '

> >

> > Well, DINNA, 'cause I'm in fu**in Norway!

[Raj]

Thank Fcuk for the translation!!!

[Geo V]

Thank Fcuk for the translation!!!

Did you see the way I switched it from Aberdeen airport to Heathrow? Thats fantastic knowledge.

[Raj]

Did you see the way I switched it from Aberdeen airport to Heathrow? Thats fantastic knowledge.

Should have used East Midlands,Nottingham Derby Leicester,EMA,Nottingham Airport....or whatever the fcuk its called nowaday!!!

[Geo V]

Should have used East Midlands,Nottingham Derby Leicester,EMA,Nottingham Airport....or whatever the fcuk its called nowaday!!!

My knowledge of the local area in Leicester is pi$$poor. It is so bad that a couple of years ago when on a driving ban I almost forced a mate to come up with me and my brother to watch City play and got there early to drive around the old stomping ground (it was when I hardly got to game through work). Anyway, with no SatNav in the car, I decided to give directions on how to get to the Rowlatts Hill/Evington area and we almost ended up in Hinckley. So fudge knows where the airports are!!

[Raj]

My knowledge of the local area in Leicester is pi$$poor. It is so bad that a couple of years ago when on a driving ban I almost forced a mate to come up with me and my brother to watch City play and got there early to drive around the old stomping ground (it was when I hardly got to game through work). Anyway, with no SatNav in the car, I decided to give directions on how to get to the Rowlatts Hill/Evington area and we almost ended up in Hinckley. So fudge knows where the airports are!!

You know who to ask now if you need to get there eh Geo????

[l444ry]

Subject: 9 Months Later.....

Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jim's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jim said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later , Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally

determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

[potter3]

[Phube]

[David O'Leary]

Subject: 9 Months Later.....

Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jim's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jim said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later , Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally

determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

[General Smuts]

How Do The Welsh Eat Thier Cheese?

Caerphilly!

BB Aled from Radio 1 - The Muppet!