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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted

Horse meat has been found in Tesco burgers. I always wondered why they gave me the trots.

I might try their meatballs.I hear there the dogs bollocks.

  • Like 1
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jimmer

jimmer

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ..."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his

F****ing' widow."

  • Like 6
Guest MattP

Guest MattP

Posted
Posted

New releases this week at Blockbuster -

The staff.

:ph34r:

jonthefox

jonthefox

Posted
Posted

It’s official – jokes based on the concept of Schrödinger’s Cat are dead. Or possibly not.

This is the part where my inner thicko comes out.

foz.foz

foz.foz

Posted
Posted (edited)

Is it a coincidence that 'HAMBURGERS' is an anagram of 'SHERGAR BUM' ?

To buy Tesco burgers or not to buy Tesco burgers?..... THAT is equestrian.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Bloody, illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

Can't wait to try the new Tesco meatballs, they're supposed to be the dogs b******s!

Tesco have removed the veggie burgers after finding traces of uniquorn.

(I robbed them off a mates FB page)

Edited by foz.foz
  • Like 3
Guest Bilo

Guest Bilo

Posted
Posted (edited)

Bit of good news for Tesco at least. In a recent taste test between Tesco Burgers, Asda burgers and Sainsbury's, Tesco won by a nose.

Edited by Bilo

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