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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
16 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Actually, I think that's a joke that's wearing a bit thin - I think I've repped as many of his jokes as I've groaned at.

 

gingers-have-feelings-too.jpg.7e830c3f0a4ed7be82174a5e5c83ac69.jpg

 

 

I'm probably more grey than ginger now to be honest mate but I appreciate the sentiment :)

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Strokes

Strokes

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A chap sees an advert in a pet shop window for a talking centipede, priced at £500. Thinking he"s found a bargain, he buys it and takes it home in a box. After about 30 minutes, he opens the box and politeley asks if the centipede would like to go down the pub for a pint, but the centipede doesn"t answer, so a couple of minutes later, he asks again, but still no response. He starts to get a bit pissed off, and thinking he"s been done he shouts the question again, at which the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time you twat, I"m putting my fùcking shoes on!"

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

For those who continue to take to the piss out of my jokes, I'll have you know I did a comedy stand up gig last night for the handmade cigarette appreciation society.

 

I had them rolling in the aisles...

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

For those who continue to take to the piss out of my jokes, I'll have you know I did a comedy stand up gig last night for the handmade cigarette appreciation society.

 

I had them rolling in the aisles...

 

People laughed when you said you were going to be a professional comedian.

 

Nobody's laughing now...

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Guest MattP

Guest MattP

Posted
Posted

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name
'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa. 
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts'. He replied. He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got ****in Allsorts.

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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted

A guy sees an advert for a talking dog for sale as he walks by a house.

He sees the dog in the garden and decides to try and talk to it.

To his amazement the dog says to him
"You must buy me , I was once employed by British intelligence to go behind enemy lines , see what's happening,  then report back.  After that, I did a bit of work in the movie industry before moving here "

The guys amazed age goes up to the owner and asks him why he's selling the dog. 

The owner replies " cos he's a lying bastard, he's never even left the garden "

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
20 minutes ago, DANGEROUS TIGER said:

Kate confesses  to  the Queen, that every time she has sex, Harry throws up. The queen whispers in her ear "Have you tried taking "Andrews"?  :ph34r:

Why's Kate shagging Harry? Megan and William will be pissed off.

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Izzy

Izzy

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Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

 

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

 

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

 

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
On 28/01/2018 at 21:22, Izzy Muzzett said:

My hero :thumbup:

 

Image result for bob monkhouse people laughed when I said I'd be a comedian

 

43 minutes ago, fuchsntf said:

He was for me the no1...seen him so many times live.....

Best mixed repertoire, in one gig, over a season, over the decades, over his complete life's package.

 

You've just burst my bubble, fuchsntf,

 

When he said, "My hero", I thought he meant me. :(

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

 

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

 

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

 

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

 

Your best ever joke, Izzy! You must be buzzing!

 

Just bask in all the acclaim you get for that one. Go and put your feet up and enjoy a celebratory drink of curaçao. You deserve a blue bottle.

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Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
49 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Your best ever joke, Izzy! You must be buzzing!

 

Just bask in all the acclaim you get for that one. Go and put your feet up and enjoy a celebratory drink of curaçao. You deserve a blue bottle.

 

Beehive, Alf, it wasn't that good.

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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

 

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

 

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

 

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

 

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

Today shall be known as "International Izzy Told A Funny Joke Day" from now on!

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