The joke thread

[Izzy]

I bought myself a dog from an Ironmonger this morning.

 

When I got it home the first thing it did was make a bolt for the door.

[Alf Bentley]

12 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I bought myself a dog from an Ironmonger this morning.

 

When I got it home the first thing it did was make a bolt for the door.

 

I went to that ironmonger's recently as my toilet cistern was malfunctioning.

 

I asked for a ballcock and a couple of screws but left with nothing but a sore arse.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Did you hear about the sickly owl who couldn't get a mate?

 

He was too weak to woo.

[Alf Bentley]

My mate developed a sexual obsession with crows.

 

Now he's addicted to hard-caw pornography.

[Strokes]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

[Izzy]

8 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Did you hear about the sickly owl who couldn't get a mate?

 

He was too weak to woo.

What's the difference between a short sighted marksman and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit..... 

[Buce]

 

Paddy and Murphy are down the job centre looking for work.

"How about this?", says Paddy, "Tree fellers wanted".

"That's no good", replies Murphy, "There's only two of us..."

[Izzy]

When I worked for the RAC I was sent to assist a lovely little old lady whose car had suddenly packed in.

 

I soon realised it needed to go into a garage so I said to her “Have you ever been towed before sweetheart?”

 

She said “Eeeee, you cheeky bugger. No, but I‘ve bin fingered a few times when I were younger”.

[Buce]

First prostitute: “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

 

Second prostitute: “No, but I’ve been swung round by my tits a time or two”

[TiffToff88]

On 04/10/2017 at 14:03, TiffToff88 said:

2 prostitutes standing on a street corner, They hear police sirens nearby so they leg it.

 

When they get to safety, one of them says "F**k me that was close! Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

 

to which, the other replies "No, but i have been swung around by the tits"

 

7 minutes ago, Buce said:

First prostitute: “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

 

Second prostitute: “No, but I’ve been swung round by my tits a time or two”

 

I hope you don't get more likes than I did. I'll take it personally 

[Buce]

4 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

 

I hope you don't get more likes than I did. I'll take it personally 

 

Apologies, mate, I don’t remember you posting it. 

[Webbo]

14 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

 

 

I hope you don't get more likes than I did. I'll take it personally 

 

On 08/02/2017 at 17:13, Webbo said:

Two hookers on the street corner. They start discussing business and  one of the hookers says "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? " The other says " No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times."

*Ahem*

[Strokes]

Let’s just hope nobody duplicates Izzy’s jokes this many times.

[separator]

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant.

 

Luckily we found a match in Argentina, and the operation was a success.

 

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

[Trav Le Bleu]

28 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Apologies, mate, I don’t remember you posting it. 

Some time back in 1982 I think.

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 31/01/2018 at 14:10, Izzy Muzzett said:

I bought myself a dog from an Ironmonger this morning.

 

When I got it home the first thing it did was make a bolt for the door.

Whilst I laughed at your joke, it needs correcting in one of two ways.

 

Either:

 

A) I bought myself a dog from the blacksmith this morning.

 

When I got home, the first thing it did was make a bolt for the door.

 

Or

 

B) I bought myself a dog from the ironmonger this morning.

 

When I got home, the first thing it did was acquire stock of general hardware and fittings in order to sell them off at a marked up percentage, for a decent profit.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited 4 February 2018 by Trav Le Bleu

[TiffToff88]

54 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Let’s just hope nobody duplicates Izzy’s jokes this many times.

Doesn't he just repeat the same 7 jokes anyway?

[Izzy]

8 hours ago, Strokes said:

Let’s just hope nobody duplicates Izzy’s jokes this many times.

You stick to picking on Rog and Toddy you nasty piece of work 

 

7 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

Doesn't he just repeat the same 7 jokes anyway?

Jealousy is such an ugly trait 

[Parafox]

10 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Apologies, mate, I don’t remember you posting it. 

I reckon, if you trawl through this thread, you'll find duplicates, triplicates, multi-posts of the same jokes. I've been plagiarised a few times.

[Tinman]

My dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire'. Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

[Filbert_Ross]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…

We went out and had some drinks..

Cool guy..

Wants to be a web developer.

[Buce]

 

A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

 

The barman says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything".

[Buce]

 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

 

We'll see about that.

[notnow john]

2 hours ago, Parafox said:

I reckon, if you trawl through this thread, you'll find duplicates, triplicates, multi-posts of the same jokes. I've been plagiarised a few times.

You lucky b@stard, best I've had is a smiley face!

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, notnow john said:

You lucky b@stard, best I've had is a smiley face!

There ya go