The joke thread

[fuchsntf]

A guy walks Into a bar with a pet alligator

He puts the Alligator in the bar,and turns

to the astonished customers.

"i'll make a deal I will Open the Alligator's

Mouth and place my genitals inside. 

The alligator will Close his mouth for one minute.

He'll then Open his mouth and I will remove my unit

Unscathed...In return  for witnessing this spectacle ,

each of you will buy me a drink  ".

 

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

 

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[separator]

There's a pretty young lady grouting in the bathroom, and singing "Total eclipse of the heart"...

 

I think she's a Bonnie Tiler.

 

[Alf Bentley]

4 minutes ago, separator said:

There's a pretty young lady grouting in the bathroom, and singing "Total eclipse of the heart"...

 

I think she's a Bonnie Tiler.

 

 

If you want to thank her for doing a good job, don't offer Quality Street or Celebrations. She's Holding out for a Hero.

 

I wouldn't hire her to decorate the bathroom of your holiday cottage in the Dordogne, either. She'd only get Lost in France.

[separator]

25 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

If you want to thank her for doing a good job, don't offer Quality Street or Celebrations. She's Holding out for a Hero.

 

I wouldn't hire her to decorate the bathroom of your holiday cottage in the Dordogne, either. She'd only get Lost in France.

Loving You's (Puns) A Dirty Job (But Someone's Gotta Do It)

 

[foxfanazer]

Old but gold, @Izzy Muzzett will appreciate this one

 

A man gets pulled over for speeding.

 

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[Izzy]

I decided to surprise the wife so bought her a huge bouquet the other day.

 

That evening she took off all her clothes, lay down on the bed legs akimbo and said to me "This is for the flowers!"

 

"Don't be silly love” I replied, There's bound to be a vase about here somewhere!” 

[TiffToff88]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I decided to surprise the wife so bought her a huge bouquet the other day.

 

That evening she took off all her clothes, lay down on the bed legs akimbo and said to me "This is for the flowers!"

 

"Don't be silly love” I replied, There's bound to be a vase about here somewhere!” 

Don't worry, she's definitely wet enough to keep the flowers alive

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, TiffToff88 said:

Don't worry, she's definitely wet enough to keep the flowers alive

[Buce]

1 hour ago, TiffToff88 said:

Don't worry, she's definitely wet enough to keep the flowers alive

 

4 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

If I were you, Izzy, I'd be concerned about how he knows that.

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

If I were you, Izzy, I'd be concerned about how he knows that.

I’m assuming you told him? 

[foxfanazer]

Just been to visit my mates new baby, they asked me if I wanted to wind him..

I thought that was a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg.

[Mike Oxlong]

I was having a quiet beer at the bar when this gorgeous  Thai bird came up to me and whispered in my ear “Can I suck your cock ?”

Correcting her I said “I think you’ll find that it’s MAY I suck your cock”

”Okay then, you go first” she said. 

[Mike Oxlong]

During my recent check up I asked the doctor “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life ?

 

“I doubt it somehow” he replied, “Mercury is in Uranus right now”.

 

I said “I don’t go in for any of that astrology shit”.

 

“Neither do I” he replied. “My thermometer just broke”.

 

 

 

[Izzy]

On 2/3/2018 at 07:46, Strokes said:

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

 

10 minutes ago, Mike Oxlong said:

During my recent check up I asked the doctor “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life ?

 

“I doubt it somehow” he replied, “Mercury is in Uranus right now”.

 

I said “I don’t go in for any of that astrology shit”.

 

“Neither do I” he replied. “My thermometer just broke”.

 

One page. You only had to look back one page 

[Buce]

13 minutes ago, Mike Oxlong said:

During my recent check up I asked the doctor “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life ?

 

“I doubt it somehow” he replied, “Mercury is in Uranus right now”.

 

I said “I don’t go in for any of that astrology shit”.

 

“Neither do I” he replied. “My thermometer just broke”.

 

 

 

 

On 03/02/2018 at 07:46, Strokes said:

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

 

One post. I only had to look back one post.  

Edited 6 February 2018 by Buce

[cambridgefox]

2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

One page. You only had to look back one page 

It’s the way he told it though!

[the fox]

What do spanish clocks say? "Tick Taco".

[Durnerz]

11 hours ago, the fox said:

What do spanish clocks say? "Tick Taco".

Did you hear what the German said to the broken clock?

VE-HAF-VAYS-OF-MAKING-YOU-TOCK!

[Bilsthorpe Blue]

Apologies if they have been posted before, can't be arsed to look

 

Patient: "Doctor, one minute I feel like I'm Donald Duck, the next I feel I'm like Micky Mouse"

Doctor: "Exactly how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

 

 

Patient: "Doctor, I can't stop singing Delilah"

Doctor: "You've got the Tom Jones syndrome"

Patient: "Wow is that rare?"

Doctor: "Well it's not unusual" 

[Izzy]

I found £18.47 in a hat today on the floor just outside Asda.

 

I thought the bloke stood near it might have picked it up, but he just had his eyes closed and seemed far more interested in playing his violin.

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 hours ago, Bilsthorpe Blue said:

Apologies if they have been posted before, can't be arsed to look

 

Patient: "Doctor, one minute I feel like I'm Donald Duck, the next I feel I'm like Micky Mouse"

Doctor: "Exactly how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

 

 

Patient: "Doctor, I can't stop singing Delilah"

Doctor: "You've got the Tom Jones syndrome"

Patient: "Wow is that rare?"

Doctor: "Well it's not unusual" 

To be fair, I don't think the forum goes back far enough.

[The Bear]

Q. Who's the most popular guy on a nudist beach? 

 

A. The one who can carry two cups of soft drink at the same time as a dozen doughnuts. 

 

 

 

Q. Who is the most popular girl on a nudist beach? 

 

A. The one who can eat the last doughnut. 

[Tuna]

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

 

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

[Jimothy]

11 minutes ago, Tuna said:

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

 

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

I went to a zoo the other day, and there was only one dog.

 

It was a Shih Tzu.

[DJ Barry Hammond]

On 06/02/2018 at 09:51, foxfanazer said:

Old but gold, @Izzy Muzzett will appreciate this one

 

A man gets pulled over for speeding.

 

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

 

You may as well have posted the Facebook video of the white van man telling this joke!