The joke thread

[Merging Cultures]

1 hour ago, notnow john said:

Why did the vegan cross the road?

 

To tell someone they were a vegan.

Wouldn't the person on the other side know if they were vegan or not? How would the vegan crossing the road know the other person was vegan. And if they were vegan, why tell some what they used to be?

Edited 16 February 2018 by Merging Cultures

[notnow john]

3 hours ago, Merging Cultures said:

Wouldn't the person on the other side know if they were vegan or not? How would the vegan crossing the road know the other person was vegan. And if they were vegan, why tell some what they used to be?

They never thought of that,they feel very foolish.

[Merging Cultures]

3 hours ago, notnow john said:

They never thought of that,they feel very foolish.

Very idiot.

[isaidno]

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

[Alf Bentley]

Four Trinidadians on horseback just rode by me, dancing wildly to Caribbean music.

I think it was the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso. 

[FoxesDeb]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.

[woollett the bullet]

On 09/02/2018 at 16:29, Countryfox said:

 

I think it may have been on here twice ! ...       I've seen a couple that I have posted reposted again ...    wouldn't mind but they got more likes than mine did ! ...   

Its the way they tell them

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, woollett the bullet said:

Its the way they tell them

 

On 09/02/2018 at 16:36, Buce said:

 

 

[Alf Bentley]

1 hour ago, FoxesDeb said:

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.

 

You may joke, Deb, but my ex-wife (think she's "ex" now, though my solicitor hasn't bothered to tell me yet) says one of the reasons we're getting divorced is because we got married. 

To be fair, we're getting on much better now we've split up!

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

You may joke, Deb, but my ex-wife (think she's "ex" now, though my solicitor hasn't bothered to tell me yet) says one of the reasons we're getting divorced is because we got married. 

To be fair, we're getting on much better now we've split up!

The ole spark is back, eh, eh , eh?!?!

[Alf Bentley]

2 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

The ole spark is back, eh, eh , eh?!?!

A bit of calm and civility, that's all!

[Beliall]

8 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

A bit of calm and civility, that's all!

hey, that's all most of us can hope to achieve

[Buce]

11 minutes ago, Beliall said:

hey, that's all most of us can hope to achieve

 

It's the hope that kills you, mate.

[woollett the bullet]

13 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

You may joke, Deb, but my ex-wife (think she's "ex" now, though my solicitor hasn't bothered to tell me yet) says one of the reasons we're getting divorced is because we got married. 

To be fair, we're getting on much better now we've split up!

My  wife ran off with my best friend last Christmas . . 

Oh I do miss him

 

[Izzy]

I was trying to put up a shelf this morning so decided to go to the library to see if they had some DIY books.

 

I asked the librarian if they had any books on shelves but was asked to leave for some reason.

[Parafox]

21 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

You may joke, Deb, but my ex-wife (think she's "ex" now, though my solicitor hasn't bothered to tell me yet) says one of the reasons we're getting divorced is because we got married. 

To be fair, we're getting on much better now we've split up!

 

[Benguin]

Tottenham 

[Parafox]

32 minutes ago, Benguin said:

Tottenham 

Thinking they can win the title yet they struggle against... Rochdale 

[notnow john]

Bought some viagra tea bags

they don't improve your sex life-

but they do stop your biscuits going soft,

Edited 18 February 2018 by notnow john

[Renart]

This may be of interest to one of you... A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar at Twickenham. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding... If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

[Beliall]

I used to date a dyslexic woman, I took her home and she cooked my sock

[Izzy]

5 minutes ago, Beliall said:

I used to date a dyslexic woman, I took her home and she cooked my sock

 

My mate Dave suffers from dyslexia and said he was joining a poetry group because it might help.

 

He hasn't written any poems yet, but he has made a fvcking beautiful vase and matching plate.

[Wolfox]

Lizzie Yarnold takes Team GB’s first gold medal of the Winter Olympics, becomes double Olympic champion and immediately thanks David Beckham for his years of expertise, coaching input and advice on how to ride a skeleton.

[Izzy]

I went to church on Sunday and volunteered to stay behind afterwards and help give the old place a spring clean.

 

Unfortunately I proceeded to spill a bottle of Domestos all over Farther Murphy!

 

I was subsequently arrested and charged with a bleach of the priest.

[Tuna]

Sunderland FC.