The joke thread

[Bob Weasel Fox]

The ParcelForce New Year Eves party has been moved to next door and starts anytime between 8am - 6pm

[Parafox]

On ‎12‎/‎31‎/‎2017 at 08:48, Bob Weasel Fox said:

The ParcelForce New Year Eves party has been moved to next door and starts anytime between 8am - 6pm

Or, it might be in your bin 

[Strokes]

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

[Strokes]

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

[The Bear]

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

That'd work even better if you switched "a taboo subject" with "frowned upon".

[TheLittleBigMan]

Remember- It's not drinking alone if your pregnant. 

[TheLittleBigMan]

My analysis is not as accurate as urinalysis.

Edited 2 January 2018 by TheLittleBigMan

[Tuna]

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.

 

I had it a minute ago.

[ozleicester]

On 28/12/2017 at 01:02, Paddy. said:

I'll try not to be too hilarious Get well soon buddy x

Just copy and paste his own jokes... safe 

[Buce]

 

What do you call it when a bus load of lawyers goes over a cliff?

 

 

 

 

 

 

A start.

[Tielemans63]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

 

 

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

On 03/01/2018 at 00:19, Tuna said:

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.

 

I had it a minute ago.

[TiffToff88]

An old favourite of mine from primary school:

 

What do you call a Forest fan stuck on the moon?

 

A Problem.

 

What do you call a Derby fan stuck on the moon?

 

A Problem.

 

What do you call every Forest and Derby fan stuck on the moon?

 

Problem Solved.

[woznotwos]

[Parafox]

2 hours ago, woznotwos said:

Is that a lifetime limit?

 

There's a theory that human life expectancy is ruled by the number of words spoken, once you reach that limit you cark it.

 

Maybe God has set a maximum wank limit.

 

I'm into my 60's now, I'm cutting my masturbation down, just in case. My intake of pastry and chips will continue as before.

Edited 13 January 2018 by Parafox

[The Bear]

There's a theory that human life expectancy is ruled by the number of words spoken, once you reach that limit you cark it.

That can't be true as women have a higher life expectancy. They'd all be dead by 30 if it was.

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, The Bear said:

That can't be true as women have a higher life expectancy. They'd all be dead by 30 if it was.

 

That's probably counteracted by the years lost through male masturbation...

[Alf Bentley]

2 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

That's probably counteracted by the years lost through male masturbation...

 

Blokes like you and I must have been particularly abstemious, then, to still be alive at our age.

[Buce]

1 minute ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Blokes like you and I must have been particularly abstemious, then, to still be alive at our age.

 

Of course, Alf.

 

Pure as the driven snow.

[Alf Bentley]

1 minute ago, Buce said:

 

Of course, Alf.

 

Pure as the driven piss-holes in the snow.

[bovril]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

 

It's hard to put down. 

[Jimothy]

22 minutes ago, bovril said:

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

 

It's hard to put down. 

Sounds as good as the one I'm reading about an immortal dog.

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Facecloth said:

Sounds as good as the one I'm reading about an immortal dog.

Got it 

[Countryfox]

 

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week.    When he came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees .....      apparently she stood him up.

[TheLittleBigMan]

Porn is frowned upon round our place.

 

That's because we're really concentrating..