The joke thread

[foxfanazer]

My wife has left me. 

She said I was too passive, and didn't stand up for myself enough. 

 

I can't really argue with that.

[Tuna]

Got asked the time by a Yodel delivery driver earlier.

 

I told him it was sometime between 8am and 6pm.

[Foxy harry]

Patient: Doctor I've got a problem with my bowles

Doctor: Okay well do you go regularly?

Patient: yes every day at 7AM

Doctor: well what's the problem then?

Patient: I don't get up till 9

[Strokes]

Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.

Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and ****s her balldeep senseless.

He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry.

"What"s wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won"t fit through the railings!"

Edited 24 January 2018 by Strokes

[Izzy]

17 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.

Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and ****s her balldeep senseless.

He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry.

"What"s wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won"t fit through the railings!"

 

Q: What's touched more balls than Ian Botham's bat?

 

A: Elton John's chin 

[foxfanazer]

My wife has left me for the milkman!

 

Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.

[Izzy]

5 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

My wife has left me for the milkman!

 

Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with 60's pop band The Monkees.

 

I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face...

[Tuna]

6 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with 60's pop band The Monkees.

 

I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face...

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

 

I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?”

[Strokes]

One morning, Dave’s doctor told him that masturbating before sex helped men last longer during the act.

Dave thought “**** it, I’ll give it a try”. He spent the rest of the day wondering where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured it was too unsafe.

Finally he had an idea. On his way home, he pulled his car into the side of a highway. He got out and went round to the back of the car and crawled underneath, as if he was examining the car. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover, as he grew closer to the big finish, he felt someone tug the bottom of his feet.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied “What?” A voice replied “This is the police, what’s going on down there?” Dave said “I’m just checking the rear axle, it’s busted” The policeman replied “Well, you might aswell check your handbrake too whilst you’re down there, your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago”

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 24/01/2018 at 19:36, Strokes said:

Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.

Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and ****s her balldeep senseless.

He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry.

"What"s wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won"t fit through the railings!"

You mean Robbie Williams isn't gay? 

[Izzy]

I woke up this morning, changed a light bulb, crossed the road (with a chicken) walked into a bar, went knock, knock and then found out that my dogs got no nose.

 

Then I thought, my life's just one big joke....

[tom27111]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I woke up this morning, changed a light bulb, crossed the road (with a chicken) walked into a bar, went knock, knock and then found out that my dogs got no nose.

 

Then I thought, my life's just one big joke....

 

Izzy, this is the joke thread...You want a link to the depression thread? Because I'm going right back there 

[Alf Bentley]

My wife has left me for a psychopathic undertaker.

Oh, well, it's her funeral.

 

My previous wife was a glam rock musician but she ran off with Gary Glitter.

I felt as if the sparkle had gone out of my life.

[Alf Bentley]

13 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with 60's pop band The Monkees.

 

I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face...

 

If you're trying to track her down, I think she took the last train to Clarkesville.

[Izzy]

2 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

If you're trying to track her down, I think she took the last train to Clarkesville.

Looking back, I think she was just using me as a steppin stone Alf 

[Alf Bentley]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Looking back, I think she was just using me as a steppin stone Alf 

 

Didn't even know that it was The Monkees who did that. I only knew it by the Sex Pistols. 

[Parafox]

13 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with 60's pop band The Monkees.

 

I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face...

And now you believe her...

[Izzy]

My mate Dave recently dug up some daffodil bulbs from his garden that he thought were onions.

 

He cut and diced them, fried them up and had them for his tea.

 

He's still in hospital, but the Doctor's reckon he'll be out by spring...

[Strokes]

We buried my wife six days ago and now the hopelessness of the situation is finally sinking in...

 

I've run out of clean shirts.

[fuchsntf]

I told my son "A good days work, doesnt hurt   anyone"

 

He replied,     ,'I suppose not, but I aint taking any fking chances'

 

*******

One for the lasses..

 

Grow your own Dope..!   Plant a man.

 

Why did the the female gardner quit her job...?

Because the celery, wasn't high  enough..

 

After all is said and done, a hell of of a lot more is said than done...

 

A man walks into a flower shop  "I'd like some flowers please"

"Certainly sir what do you have in mind ? "

He shrugs, looks clumsy,"well I am not sure..I uh, I uh, errmm"

 

"Perhaps I can help.   What exactly have you done? "

 

 

Edited 26 January 2018 by fuchsntf

[Aus Fox]

On 24/01/2018 at 06:02, foxfanazer said:

My wife has left me. 

She said I was too passive, and didn't stand up for myself enough. 

 

I can't really argue with that.

 

On 26/01/2018 at 09:08, foxfanazer said:

My wife has left me for the milkman!

 

Seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.

 

On 26/01/2018 at 09:15, Izzy Muzzett said:

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with 60's pop band The Monkees.

 

I thought she was joking, and then I saw her face...

 

On 26/01/2018 at 09:21, Tuna said:

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants.

 

I asked “Where’s this stemming from petal?”

 

On 26/01/2018 at 22:27, Alf Bentley said:

My wife has left me for a psychopathic undertaker.

Oh, well, it's her funeral.

 

My previous wife was a glam rock musician but she ran off with Gary Glitter.

I felt as if the sparkle had gone out of my life.

 @DatfoxesKid23

[foxfanazer]

The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga

For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%

[Parafox]

53 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

The local football team I play for have just been sponsored by Wonga

For our pre match talk last week we were told to go out and give 1479%

Izzy, this is "a joke".

 

You know, where people actually laugh? 

[Parafox]

6 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Izzy, this is "a joke".

 

You know, where people actually laugh? 

Izzy, mate, don't get upset, it's just a "gut" reaction. 

[Buce]

32 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Izzy, this is "a joke".

 

You know, where people actually laugh? 

 

Actually, I think that's a joke that's wearing a bit thin - I think I've repped as many of his jokes as I've groaned at.