The joke thread

[Aus Fox]

13 hours ago, separator said:

The wife has just kicked me out the house because of my obsession with Only Fools & Horses.

 

I'd better fetch the suitcase from the van.

I feel for you mate, mine is leaving me and taking the kids because of my obsession with horse racing.

 

They're at the gate, and they're off...

[Beliall]

I was driving on the motorway yesterday in a hearse, Police pulled me over for undertaking

[Strokes]

2 hours ago, Beliall said:

I was driving on the motorway yesterday in a hearse, Police pulled me over for undertaking

They are becoming quite a popular car by all accounts, I heard people are dying to get in them.

[Milo]

Really bad day today - ex wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver...

[Buce]

13 hours ago, Strokes said:

They are becoming quite a popular car by all accounts, I heard people are dying to get in them.

 

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in fear like his passengers.

[Milo]

What’s Mozart doing right now..?

 

 

Decomposing 

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Milo said:

What’s Mozart doing right now..?

 

 

Decomposing 

[Beliall]

18 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

you know its bad when IZZY facepalms

[Buce]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

[Buce]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." 

The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" 

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." 

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

 The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" 

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." 

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." 

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight." 

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Izzy]

I said to the wife that I'd heard our postman had slept with every woman on our street apart from one.

 

The missus replied "I bet it's that stuck up cow at number 52 you know"

[RODNEY FERNIO]

I've not spoken to the Mother in Law for 12 years.

 

Why's that ?

 

I didn't want to interrupt her.

 

RIP DODDY

[Milo]

3.14% of sailors are… π-rates.

 

 

 

 

My 1000th post...I thank you 

 

[ajthefox]

1 hour ago, Milo said:

3.14% of sailors are… π-rates.

 

 

 

 

My 1000th post...I thank you 

 

That's arrrrrguably the best joke of the page... 

[Tuna]

I just drove past sky pundit Jamie Carragher there in his car;

 

Well if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!

Edited 12 March 2018 by Tuna

[Milo]

9 hours ago, ajthefox said:

That's arrrrrguably the best joke of the page... 

So good it was only worthy of one sympathy rep - from Izzy 

[Milo]

9 hours ago, ajthefox said:

That's arrrrrguably the best joke of the page... 

But to carrrry on the theme...

 

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[Izzy]

I refused to believe I was both gay and dyslexic.

 

I was in Daniel...

[Beliall]

[Durnerz]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I refused to believe I was both gay and dyslexic.

 

I was in Daniel...

People at school used to tease me about my dyslexia......so I used to write about it in my dairy.

[Izzy]

10 minutes ago, Durnerz said:

People at school used to tease me about my dyslexia......so I used to write about it in my dairy.

 

Me and some mates formed a band years ago and we called ourselves ‘Dyslexia’

 

We’ve just released an album of our greatest shit 

[Milo]

To the bloke in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

 

 

 

You can hide, but you can't run...

[Aus Fox]

On 13/03/2018 at 07:20, Milo said:

3.14% of sailors are… π-rates.

 

 

 

 

My 1000th post...I thank you 

 

Happy Pi Day!

perosnally I never really liked Pi though, I always found it irrational and it just goes on and on and on...

[fuchsntf]

On 12.3.2018 at 19:48, Izzy Muzzett said:

I said to the wife that I'd heard our postman had slept with every woman on our street apart from one.

 

The missus replied "I bet it's that stuck up cow at number 52 you know"

No she was the only one,who had a french-letter

[Izzy]

10 hours ago, Durnerz said:

People at school used to tease me about my dyslexia......so I used to write about it in my dairy.

I remember seeing my mate crying outside the Doctors once. He said he's just been told he had "The Big C"

 

I said "Cancer?"

 

He said "No, Dyslexia"