The joke thread

[woznotwos]

I went to the doctors for my annual check up.
When I got there he asked me to drop my trousers.
As he gloved up and lubed. He proceeded to finger my prostate saying "This feels fine. Why did you book an anal check up?"
I've now been diagnosed with dyslexia.

[Mayofox]

I like to add big, important-sounding words into my conversations, to try and create the impression that I'm photosynthesis.

[TheLittleBigMan]

Went to the nurse for my annual health check up the other day.

 

She told me to stop wanking.

 

Why? I asked

 

She said 'because I'm trying to examine you'.

[Trav Le Bleu]

My wife just said to me, "You're not even listening, are you?"

 

Which is a weird way to start a conversation.

[woznotwos]

My wife said ''Can you explain why i've just found a pair of women's knickers in your coat pocket ?'' , I said ''Yes , it's because your a nosey **** !''

[Izzy]

Apple have just announced that although their profits may be down, their turnover is still good...

[Carl the Llama]

I just repped an Izzy joke and I feel dirty.

[Milo]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Apple have just announced that although their profits may be down, their turnover is still good...

That's so bad, it's good 

 

 

[Izzy]

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and asked "Can you please have my children? I'll be no longer than a couple of minutes, I promise”

 
"Of course!" She replied. 

"Great!" I said "Get your knickers off then”

[Carl the Llama]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and asked "Can you please have my children? I'll be no longer than a couple of minutes, I promise”

 
"Of course!" She replied. 

"Great!" I said "Get your knickers off then”

Normal service resumed astonishingly quickly  

 

 

[Mayofox]

A corn pie costs $1 in Barbados, and $1.30 in St Lucia.  These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Mayofox said:

 

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I knocked on my neighbours door this morning and asked "Can you please have my children? I'll be no longer than a couple of minutes, I promise”

 
"Of course!" She replied. 

"Great!" I said "Get your knickers off then”

Edited 16 March 2018 by Parafox

[Izzy]

Honestly, the pizza place that just opened at the end of our street is fvckin terrible.

 

I ordered a thin, crusty, supreme and they sent me Diana Ross!

[Milo]

[Beliall]

I hate when people ask me what I'm doing in 2 years, how am i supposed to know? I don't have 20-20 vision

[Izzy]

I was stood in the chemist this morning and I said to the lady behind the counter "Do you have anything that will clear up my diarrhoea?"

 

"Yes, I think we have some Imodium Plus sir" she replied.

 

"No, I don't think you understand" I said. "I've just shit on your floor"

[Buce]

8 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was stood in the chemist this morning and I said to the lady behind the counter "Do you have anything that will clear up my diarrhoea?"

 

"Yes, I think we have some Imodium Plus sir" she replied.

 

"No, I don't think you understand" I said. "I've just shit on your floor"

 

This is the 'Joke Thread', Izzy, not 'How Was Your Day'...

[Milo]

You’ve got to be a certain age for this one...

[TiffToff88]

1 minute ago, Milo said:

You’ve got to be a certain age for this one...

Stupid boy

[fuchsntf]

23 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Apple have just announced that although their profits may be down, their turnover is still good...

Did they use the Pi calculation

[Strokes]

Does anyone know if Professors Stephen Hawking was a registered donor?

Because I really need some parts for my kids Go-Kart....

[Drew Peacock]

You can tell everyone is bored shitless on a Saturday afternoon/evening having had no game to watch.

Very entertaining though. 

[STEVIE B]

Went to see my doctor today. 

“Do you have anything for wind ?”

“A kite !?”

[Aus Fox]

On 17/03/2018 at 03:11, Izzy Muzzett said:

Apple have just announced that although their profits may be down, their turnover is still good...

I think they will crumble by the end of the year...

[The Bear]

I've got a new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs.

 

The birds love it.