The joke thread

[Jimothy]

49 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco today complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up.

 

I think he was suffering from a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

Mods, Izzy has been hacked!

[Izzy]

A Geordie goes to the doctors and the doctor says "What's up?"

 

The Geordie says "I've got knee problems".

 

So the doc says "Well why are you wasting my fvckin time then?"

[Jimothy]

1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

A Geordie goes to the doctors and the doctor says "What's up?"

 

The Geordie says "I've got knee problems".

 

So the doc says "Well why are you wasting my fvckin time then?"

It's ok mods he's sorted it.

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

It's ok mods he's sorted it.

[Aus Fox]

My dad always had one rule when he was in the theatre, ‘always leave them wanting more’.

Great dad, shit anaesthetist.

[Izzy]

My my Dave started his new job as a Bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers he farted really loudly.

 

His boss immediately came over and whispered in his ear "Please don’t ever do that again Dave"

 

"Sorry" said Dave “It must be the nerves"

 

"Fair enough" his boss replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"

[Buce]

26 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

My my Dave started his new job as a Bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers he farted really loudly.

 

His boss immediately came over and whispered in his ear "Please don’t ever do that again Dave"

 

"Sorry" said Dave “It must be the nerves"

 

"Fair enough" his boss replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse"

 

[Vince Vega]

Why doesn't a french man have two eggs for breakfast?  Because to him, one egg is un oeuf! 

[Izzy]

I was at London Zoo a few weeks ago and this woman was there talking about one of the animals.

 

"God! that's ugly and HASN'T it got short legs?” she said. “And when it opens it's mouth!! those teeth are horrible! And it makes a horrible FARTING noise, UGH!"  

 

I can safely say, I have never met anyone so Hippo critical in my life.

[StanSP]

4 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was at London Zoo a few weeks ago and this woman was there talking about one of the animals.

 

"God! that's ugly and HASN'T it got short legs?” she said. “And when it opens it's mouth!! those teeth are horrible! And it makes a horrible FARTING noise, UGH!"  

 

I can safely say, I have never met anyone so Hippo critical in my life.

[Izzy]

I popped into the newsagents this morning and asked if they sold Oyster cards.

 

”Is it for the bus?” asked the man behind the counter.

 

“No, it’s my Oysters birthday” I replied

[Beliall]

5 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I popped into the newsagents this morning and asked if they sold Oyster cards.

 

”Is it for the bus?” asked the man behind the counter.

 

“No, it’s my Oysters birthday” I replied

NO IZZY NO!

[Izzy]

15 minutes ago, Beliall said:

NO IZZY NO!

 

The more people take the piss, the crapper the jokes I post.

 

It's their choice 

[Webbo]

37 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

The more people take the piss, the crapper the jokes I post.

 

It's their choice 

You must have had a lot of piss taken.

[Strokes]

10 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

The more people take the piss, the crapper the jokes I post.

 

It's their choice 

Fanta pants.

[TiffToff88]

23 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

The more people take the piss, the crapper the jokes I post.

 

It's their choice 

I'm curious (but slightly fearful) as to just how bad they can get...

[Buce]

46 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I popped into the newsagents this morning and asked if they sold Oyster cards.

 

”Is it for the bus?” asked the man behind the counter.

 

“No, it’s my Oysters birthday” I replied

 

[Izzy]

25 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Fanta pants.

Coke knickers

 

[Strokes]

3 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Coke knickers

 

That’s just mean. 

[Izzy]

10 minutes ago, Strokes said:

That’s just mean. 

Welcome to my world 

[ozleicester]

5 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

The more people take the piss, the crapper the jokes I post.

 

It's their choice 

This explains SO much

[UpTheLeagueFox]

I saw an advert in a shop window which read: "TV stuck on full volume, for sale, just £1."

 

I thought to myself... "I can’t turn that down."

[1972 Fox]

3 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

I saw an advert in a shop window which read: "TV stuck on full volume, for sale, just £1."

 

I thought to myself... "I can’t turn that down."

 Very Tommy Cooperesque!

[foxfanazer]

Accordion to a new survey, inserting a musical instrument into a sentence goes largely unnoticed 

[davieG]

On 02/03/2018 at 08:25, Paddy. said:

Accordion to research. 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with references to random musical instruments.

 

5 minutes ago, foxfanazer said:

Accordion to a new survey, inserting a musical instrument into a sentence goes largely unnoticed 

Research shows that posting jokes with Accordion in goes  largely unnoticed