The joke thread

[fazzyfox]

News spreads that the C02 crisis will affect the availability of both beer and crumpet

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

3 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

At a travel agency in Shanghai , I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

 

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

 

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

 

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

 

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"What she really said was:  666136429."

 

But the area code for Shanghai is 008621

 

[Beliall]

51 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

But the area code for Shanghai is 008621

 

[davieG]

1 hour ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

But the area code for Shanghai is 008621

 

Surely it's oh oh hate sex too wan

[Izzy]

I once had a Chinese girlfriend.

 

One night in bed I happened to remark that her fanny seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.

 

She went mad and said "You always clittysizing!"

[Parafox]

3 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

But the area code for Shanghai is 008621

 

Oh Oh hate sex to one... gotta be a code for a gangbang

[Izzy]

My mate Dave says to me "Do you want to hear my really good Batman impression?"

"Go on then" I replied.

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.

I said "That's Superman"

He said "Thanks man, I've been practicing"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My sister is very touchy as she isn't very tall. 

She came to visit me the other day in tears after work as people kept taking the piss.

For some reason she even lost her temper with me , all I said was that I would pop upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

[Izzy]

A beautiful young woman was standing at the edge of a cliff preparing to jump off. A homeless drunk stops by and mumbles to her "If you're about to kill yourself, how about a quick shag before you go?"

 

The woman screams... "No! Fvck off you filthy old bastard!".

 

The tramp turns to leave and says "No worries, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then"

[Izzy]

I saw a dwarf earlier today struggling to carry a plasma TV to the back of his car.

 

I shouted over "Can you manage with that tele mate?"

 

"Fvck off" he replied...."It's a Kindle"

[ozleicester]

Wife was cleaning son's bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.

She asks her husband... "what do we do?"

Husband says.... "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fvcking spank him."

Edited 2 July 2018 by ozleicester

[Wortho]

Little known fact about the England striker Danny Wellbeck, His father is a bomb disposal expert called Stan

[Wortho]

David Beckham gets into a taxi... "Heathrow Airport please driver" he says. After few minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the rear view mirror. Driver says "come on mate, give us a clue... "Beckham replies "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played in Italy and America, and won over 100 caps for England.... "Driver says "No you thick ****, what terminal?"..

[Wortho]

I'm truly devastated. A very sad day it is today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

[Wortho]

My grandfather was highly decorated in the Second World War. In fact, many believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

[Parafox]

46 minutes ago, Wortho said:

My grandfather was highly decorated in the Second World War. In fact, many believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

He got shot in the knob?

[Izzy]

I sat down on the sofa to watch the first day of Wimbledon today but all I could hear was grunt after grunt after grunt.

"Shut the door while your having a shit!", I shouted to my wife. "I'm trying to watch the tennis here!"

[Izzy]

My mate had one of his testicles removed today after finding a lump.

 

That's how serious he is about mashed potato.

[Izzy]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport for the EU summit.

 

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

 

"German," she replies.

 

"Occupation?"

 

"No, just here for a few days"

[Wortho]

Have you ever touched your inner self?

 

I did this morning, bloody Tesco value toilet paper.

[Izzy]

12 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Have you ever touched your inner self?

 

I did this morning, bloody Tesco value toilet paper.

I got some given some of that Sudoku toilet paper for Christmas last year.

 

It's bloody useless though. You can only fill it with number ones and number twos  

[DANGEROUS TIGER]

On ‎29‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 14:06, Bob Weasel Fox said:

At a travel agency in Shanghai , I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

 

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

 

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

 

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

 

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,

"What she really said was:  666136429."

 

 Classic,

[Beliall]

[Izzy]

I shagged my best mate's wife last night and today I feel awful.

 

She must have had the flu or something.

[Izzy]

My wife came home from work to find me watching the football as always.

 

She says "I've decided I'm leaving you. All you do is talk about football and all you think about is football. You're totally obsessed by football"

 

She carried on..."Also, I'm seeing someone else. He's younger, handsome, tender, understanding, treats me like a queen, does anything I ask, has a 12" cock and fvcks me every day hard and dirty till I can't take anymore"...

 

"Oh really?" I replied "What team does he support?"