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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

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I was at Tesco's today doing a big shop and my trolley was stacked to the top. The whole place was heaving as I started to place all my stuff on the conveyor belt.

 

This little old lady was behind me in the queue and smiled sweetly at me holding just a pint of milk.

 

"Is that all you've got love?" I asked her.

 

"Yes my dear" she replied.

 

"Well you'd better find another till then" I said, "I'm gonna be fvcking ages here"

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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A married couple are lying in bed on a Sunday morning.

 

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for £100 each and thick dicks were going for £200.”

 

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

 

“They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife.

 

“That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy fannies were going for £500 and tight ones were going for a grand.”

 

“How about mine?” asks the wife.

 

“That’s where they were holding the auction.”

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Izzy

Izzy

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I was in Tesco's again today looking for some washing powder, fabric conditioner and that sort of stuff.

 

I couldn't find what I was after so I went over to a young female assistant and said "Excuse me love, I'm after some Comfort"

 

So she put her arms around me and assured me that everything was going to be alright.

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Izzy

Izzy

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A dishevelled bloke wobbles and weaves his way into a DIY store...


"Bottle of methylated spirit please" he says


“Look mate, I wasn't born yesterday” replies the shop assistant. “I can't sell that to you when I know you're just going to sit and drink it"


“Hey, what are you implying?” says the man. “I'm just using it for woodwork!"


“Ok, Ok..." says the assistant, taking a bottle of the shelf.


“Oh FFS” says the man. “haven't you got a cold one?"

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

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8 hours ago, foxfanazer said:

A runner was killed with a starter pistol yesterday. Police believe it was race related.

 

Bloodied oars have been discovered after an Oxford rower was beaten to death on Boat Race day. Police have arrested the Cambridge crew and are treating it as an eight crime.

However, they also suspect a sexual element as the Cambridge crew had their cox out.

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Izzy

Izzy

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56 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

Yes.

What's green and says "Hey, I'm a frog"?

 

A talking frog.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot 

 

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Izzy

Izzy

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I took my new girlfriend to meet my parents today.

 

My Dad whispered to me "Where the fvck have you found her son?!! Her teeth are like a row of bombed houses, she's fvcking bow legged and has a face like the back end of a bus!"

 

I said "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well"

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ozleicester

ozleicester

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it

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Parafox

Parafox

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19 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning. 

I don't know why, I just started filling up!

I felt like that yesterday when I fetched water from a hole at the bottom of the garden.

I could feel myself welling up.

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