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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Wortho

Wortho

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Just saw a husband and wife having a big old row at the Co-Op. In the end she got so annoyed she picked up a big bottle of fabric conditioner and threw it at him. It was a bad throw, though, and it sailed by him and only missed my head by a couple of inches. I suspect the brand was Lenor because it was too close for Comfort.

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Wortho

Wortho

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A man gets approached by a beautiful lady in Tesco and says he

“Yes I think you’re the father of one of my children” she replies.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infedility and sheepishly responds “Bloody hell are you the bird I had kinky sex with on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and tied me up?”

“No” she replies, “I’m your daughter’s English teacher!”

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Izzy

Izzy

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My wife and I had a load of friends round for dinner the other night and she asked me to prepare the table.

 

So I went in and warned them all about her cooking.

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Izzy

Izzy

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I was having a couple of pints with my mate Paddy last night and we were talking about Brad Pitt films.

 

He said “My favourite one was where he played that hero from Greece, but I cant remember the feckin name of the film”.

 

I said “Troy!!”

 

He said “I feckin am!”

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

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I hate it when you've typed the wrong word but its too late as you've already sent the text.

 

I just texted my mate saying "Do you wanna go for a wank down by the river?"

 

 

 

I meant the canal.

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simFox

simFox

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I had a look out our back window and our neighbours 18yo daughter was sunbathing topless in the garden. I decided to knock one out as I watched, I just finished and went to wipe my nob on the curtain when the wife pipes up "you dirty bastard" she'd been watching my the whole time, I think she's a pervert.

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davieG

davieG

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A one-liner about being sacked by a Jobcentre has been chosen as the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe - now in its 11th year - has been won by Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe.

The joke came from his show Undeniable.

Supported by 41% of the public who voted for the award was:

 

 "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

 

Best of the rest
The other jokes making the top ten were:

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

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