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The joke thread

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I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. 

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He says "No, why the **** would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little ****."

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I heard Liverpool FC asked for permission for their fans to take flares into Old Trafford for their recent game as they thought it would help them with their title challenge. 
Apparently last time they won the league everyone was wearing them...!!

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|n old one I've just rediscovered

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."

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On ‎28‎/‎02‎/‎2019 at 13:01, mick47 said:

BRIAN

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian." 
Passenger: "Who?" 
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time." 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right." 
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....." 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" 
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his bloody widow."

 

10 hours ago, Wortho said:

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. 

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He says "No, why the **** would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little ****."

 

9 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

This girl I was dating said that she wanted a once in a lifetime experience, so I murdered her.

 

4 hours ago, davieG said:

|n old one I've just rediscovered

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."

There are posts like these that make me wish I hadn't looked at the "jokes" thread.. again!

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On 17/02/2019 at 07:45, Aus Fox said:

If you play your cards right she might let you go to Butland

just make sure youve got Woods

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I went to the Doctor today as my crossword addiction was making me depressed.

 

He told me not to get too down.

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My best friend was really upset today because he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older female colleague.

 

I said "Mate, don't cry over skilled milf"

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15 minutes ago, Oxfordfox83 said:

Pancake Day already?

 

That’s crêped up on me 

Did you hear about the angry pancake?

 

He just filpped

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My wife wanted a divorce as she had met someone else, so to stop them leaving me destitute I thought I would find a hitman to kill her.After doing a lot of shady research I met a guy who was supposed to be the best. When and where? I asked, that is my decision, he answered, but I can assure you that it will be painless and instant. How will you do it then? I asked, I will do my trademark single gunshot just below the left breast, works every time. Thats no ****ing use!!!!! I screamed, I want her killed not kneecapped!!!

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Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen, is it yours?
Mick replies, "Don't know, give it here."
He then tries it and says, "yes it is."
Paddy asks, "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."
 
 
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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park".
 
 
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Took the wife to a nightclub last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips the lot. My wife said to me, "That guy proposed to me 15 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating."

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IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

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