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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Aus Fox

Aus Fox

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday.

If I saw that I'd puma pants

Stop lion, it was a cockroach called Brett and he didn’t escape he was just off to CrossFit.

  • Haha 2
woznotwos

woznotwos

Posted
Posted

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked whats on the menu. The waiter said "Whale meat,whale meat,whale meat or Vera Lynn" "Whats Vera Lynn" i ask "Whale meet again"

  • Like 1
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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, woznotwos said:

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked whats on the menu. The waiter said "Whale meat,whale meat,whale meat or Vera Lynn" "Whats Vera Lynn" i ask "Whale meet again"

Fvcksake :D

 

One for the teenagers that is :giggle:

  • Haha 1
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

Welcome to the thread James :thumbup:

 

P.S. There's a search function so you can check if jokes have been posted before mate :giggle:

 

1 hour ago, James the Fox said:

funny-old-lady-joke.jpg

 

On 20/02/2019 at 12:55, Tinman said:

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

 

On 12/11/2018 at 15:01, egg_fried_rice said:

I got fired from my job at the bank today.
 

An elderly lady asked me to check her balance.

 

So I pushed her over.

 

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

A grandmother telephoned Barnsley Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood levels just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff up here tell me F**K ALL"!!!

  • Haha 2
davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Wortho said:

Bloke knocked on door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water

Should have offered a glass of piss.

  • Haha 1
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

The wife stuck a spoon in my anus this morning

I'm sick of her treating me like a mug

 

She's just a shit stirrer.

  • Like 3
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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

A penguin walks in to a pub and says to the barman "I'm looking for my brother, have you seen him?"
The barman replies "What does he look like?"

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake, so I yelled up to my wife,“Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion....
Then, as my wife wasn't sure she yelled "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understood and then signalled back.
She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast,
then she pointed to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,
"What the hell was that?
She replied,"
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !

  • Haha 4
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I think @Wortho is after Izzy's crown...

At least I made the effort to make mine look original rather that blatant copy and paste jobs :D

  • Like 1
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