The joke thread

[Izzy]

2 hours ago, Wolfox said:

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A Tractor

Q: What do you call a bloke who used to own Tractors as a hobby and go to Tractor shows all over the country, but now he doesn't?

 

A: An extractor fan

 

[Benguin]

23 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Q: What do you call a bloke who used to own Tractors as a hobby and go to Tractor shows all over the country, but now he doesn't?

 

A: An extractor fan

 

Funny enough I knew a guy obsessed with tractors, he used to get tractor parts for his birthdays and christmases for 40 years. One year he had enough and snapped at his family for buying him tractor stuff. His wife got upset and started smoking. 2 days later she dropped a cigarette on the carpet and the house was aflame. She managed to get out but by that time the house was was burning down. The man came home, opened the letterbox and inhaled, he kept doing so until the house was no longer on fire. She said how in the bleeding hell did you do that. He said I’m an extractor fan.

 

[Izzy]

Said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis"

 

He said, "Oh right, the one with Adolf in?"

 

I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I went to a pet shop.

 

I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’

 

The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

 

I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.

[TiffToff88]

31 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I went to a pet shop.

 

I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’

 

The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

 

I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.

Nothing Pisces me off more than astrology puns

[Izzy]

3 minutes ago, TiffToff88 said:

Nothing Pisces me off more than astrology puns

My wife was so obsessed with astrology that it eventually taurus apart

[StanSP]

4 hours ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

I went to a pet shop.

 

I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’

 

The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

 

I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.

 

4 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

Nothing Pisces me off more than astrology puns

 

4 hours ago, Izzy said:

My wife was so obsessed with astrology that it eventually taurus apart

These jokes are like a cancer to the forum.

 

[Izzy]

The wife packed my bags and as I walked out the front door she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
 

"Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

3 hours ago, StanSP said:

 

 

These jokes are like a cancer to the forum.

 

That is a new Leo for this thread . . .

[Flamey]

I just saw an advert for a new low fat milk.....it says it 'tastes like semi'......i reckon I'll pass ?

[Tinman]

How many roses are you meant to give the missus on Valentines Day? My mate said in the pub yesterday he was giving his wife 6 of them, but I figured it would be more romantic to give 12; so that’s what I did. 
Anyway, now she’s moaning about it and I’m starting to wonder if I should have just given her the whole tin?

[Izzy]

4 hours ago, Tinman said:

How many roses are you meant to give the missus on Valentines Day? My mate said in the pub yesterday he was giving his wife 6 of them, but I figured it would be more romantic to give 12; so that’s what I did. 
Anyway, now she’s moaning about it and I’m starting to wonder if I should have just given her the whole tin?

I asked the wife “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

 

She said “I’ll give you a clue - ex England goalkeeper”

 

I think she’s expecting Flowers, but she’s getting Seaman 

[ealingfox]

3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I asked the wife “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

 

She said “I’ll give you a clue - ex England goalkeeper”

 

I think she’s expecting Flowers, but she’s getting Seaman 

 

Have you no Hart?

[TiffToff88]

6 minutes ago, ealingfox said:

 

Have you no Hart?

The last thing he wants to give his mrs is a massive flop

[davieG]

I reckon he'll end up with a Kasper (kicked into touch)

[jonthefox]

Gianfranco Zola gave me a Valentine’s Day card earlier.

 

I thought he’s a little forward. 

[Izzy]

I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back, when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai.

 

I was the only thing between H and JK

[Tinman]

Let's spare a thought now for all those blokes who gave their love a single red rose tonight...and are now watching in horror as one of the thorns is deflating her

[Wortho]

Probably been on before. I'm sure I will be told.
Went home early as its Valentines day. The wife was stood at the top of the stairs virtually naked.
"Look!" She said I found a pair of my old crutchless knickers, and they still fit!"

I didn't have the heart to tell her they were actually one of my old vests.

[Wortho]

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

I asked how she was.

They said "critical"

I said "what's she complaining about now?

[Parafox]

On ‎14‎/‎02‎/‎2019 at 15:17, ealingfox said:

 

Have you no Hart?

I've seen him take a shot on his face, maybe that helps?

[Parafox]

21 hours ago, Izzy said:

I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back, when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai.

 

I was the only thing between H and JK

You must have a lot of time on your hands 

Edited 15 February 2019 by Parafox

[Parafox]

20 hours ago, Tinman said:

Let's spare a thought now for all those blokes who gave their love a single red rose tonight...and are now watching in horror as one of the thorns is deflating her

I gave my wife a dozen red roses for valentines day. When I went up to bed she was lying there with her legs open. I asked her what she was doing. She said "It's for the roses".

I said, surely a vase will do.

[Aus Fox]

On 15/02/2019 at 02:13, Izzy said:

I asked the wife “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

 

She said “I’ll give you a clue - ex England goalkeeper”

 

I think she’s expecting Flowers, but she’s getting Seaman 

If you play your cards right she might let you go to Butland

[VLC86]

Went to a comedy gig last night with some absolute bell ends on the front row and the comedian pulls out this one to one of them...

 

”What’s your favourite accent?”

”NOTTINGHUUUMM”

”Can you do one”

”I AM”

”No, I meant can you **** off” 

 

howling.