The joke thread

[Izzy]

I met this beautiful woman down at the park yesterday.

 

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we ended up having sex there and then.

 

God, I love my new Taser

[Bob Weasel Fox]

When nan died, clearing her house was such fun. Every room, floor to ceiling, with box after box of oxo cubes of every different variety.

We could kill that financial adviser who told her to put all her money into stocks.

[Wortho]

My Mother in Law is always complaining about the price of stuff. '£2.50 for a cup of tea and £1 for a biscuit! That's ridiculous!'

'Look' I said, 'I didn't invite you round here, you just turned up'.

[Wortho]

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door. Before I could speak he tipped a bucket of dogshit over my carpet and said, "If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left"...

I replied, "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electricity this morning"

[Wortho]

Old bloke goes out shopping on his and buys a nice shiny pair of shoes, comes home and decides to surprise the Mrs by standing stark naked with nothing but his shoes on.
" Notice anything love...."
"What..."
" New shoes, cant you tell my knob's pointing at them......."
" Shame you didn't buy a hat"

[Wortho]

I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.

[Milo]

Two wind turbines in a field, one says to the other...

 

"Whats your favourite type of music?"

 

The other one replied "Me..? I'm a huge metal fan"

 

 

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Milo said:

Two wind turbines in a field, one says to the other...

 

"Whats your favourite type of music?"

 

The other one replied "Me..? I'm a huge metal fan"

 

[Izzy]

If I owned a DeLorean, I'd only drive it from time to time...

[Izzy]

My mate down the pub asked me "If you could be in a band with any musician alive or dead, who would it be?"

 

I said "Bono, dead"

[Izzy]

I've made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.

 

It's ruggish.

[Izzy]

I've just been thrown out of Weight Watchers.

 

I accepted the decision with huge grace, because they threw her out as well.

[woznotwos]

I applied to the Origami University. Just got a rejection letter. Don't know what to make of it!

[TiffToff88]

22 minutes ago, woznotwos said:

I applied to the Origami University. Just got a rejection letter. Don't know what to make of it!

I wouldn't get too upset about your rejection. They were having serious cashflow problems. They just folded

[Benguin]

18 hours ago, Izzy said:

I've just been thrown out of Weight Watchers.

 

I accepted the decision with huge grace, because they threw her out as well.

I went to my premature ejaculators meeting today and no one was there, turns out it’s tomorrow.

[Beliall]

6 minutes ago, Benguin said:

I went to my premature ejaculators meeting today and no one was there, turns out it’s tomorrow.

I started laughing before the end of that joke

[davieG]

53 minutes ago, Benguin said:

I went to my premature ejaculators meeting today and no one was there, turns out it’s tomorrow.

I thought it was going to be everyone had already left as they came early 

[Stadt]

I went to a premature ejaculators meeting as well but it was pants

[Jimothy]

I felt a bit over dressed when I went to a premature ejaculation meeting. I wore jeans and a t shirt, everyone else came in their pants.

[Izzy]

How do you think the unthinkable?

 

With an itheberg.

[Izzy]

My posh friends' Butler has no left arm.

 

Serves him right.

[Izzy]

Murder she wrote.

 

Written by Yoda was it?

[Aus Fox]

Found a dwarf in the middle of my bed wanking last night.

i said to the wife, I think there’s a little something coming between us.

[Wolfox]

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician 

 

 

And Czech one too…. A Czech one too

[Tinman]

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.