The joke thread

[Tinman]

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.

[Izzy]

On 01/03/2018 at 14:40, Milo said:

Sad news from the Nestle factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a large box of chocolate that fell 20 foot off some racking on to him. 

 

He he repeatedly called for help, but every time he shouted “The Milky Bars are on me”, his colleagues cheered. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Tinman said:

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.

 

It was sad news last March, and it's still sad news today 

[Jimothy]

16 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

 

It was sad news last March, and it's still sad news today 

Or it happened again, in which case you'd hope they'd improve their health and safety procedures.

[Ian Nacho]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? She made choking sounds.

[Tinman]

Applications are invited for prospective builders interested in the construction of Stoke City’ new Manager Nathan Jones new house in Stoke. It’s a 2 up/3 down.

[Wortho]

There was a young man called Kane 
whose ankle was worse than a sprain
despite all of his good touches 
he ended up on crutches 
and his team won nothing again

[glenny_fox]

4 hours ago, Wortho said:

There was a young man called Kane 
whose ankle was worse than a sprain
despite all of his good touches 
he ended up on crutches 
and his team won nothing again

Which Kane is this on about?

 

As this poem wouldn't apply to Harry Kane as his team hasn't won anything before.

 

 

[yorkie1999]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine,

an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani,

a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian,

a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian,

a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian,

a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian,

a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian,

a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean,

a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese,

a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican,

a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti,

a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean,

an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean,

an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn,

a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian,

a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan,

a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian,

a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati,

an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi,

an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican,

a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan,

a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian,

a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner,

a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy,

a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese,

a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican,

a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian,

a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican,

a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander,

a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean,

a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani,

a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean,

a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari,

a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran,

a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot,

a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean,

a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander,

a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard,

a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede,

a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan,

a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan,

a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan,

a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

 

all go to a nightclub ..................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.

[Jimothy]

@Izzy I'm sure you've posted the one above before?

[Countryfox]

 

Why aren’t Pakistanis any good at football ....   cus every time they get a corner they open a shop ...    

[yorkie1999]

39 minutes ago, Facecloth said:

@Izzy I'm sure you've posted the one above before?

Have i, can't remember. Just found it in some files i was deleting.

[Jimothy]

2 minutes ago, yorkie1999 said:

Have i, can't remember. Just found it in some files i was deleting.

I tagged Izzy, I think he's posted it before and is usually quick to point out repeat jokes 

[Jon the Hat]

25 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Why aren’t Pakistanis any good at football ....   cus every time they get a corner they open a shop ...    

Nice bit of racial stereotyping there.

[bovril]

24 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

Why aren’t Pakistanis any good at football ....   cus every time they get a corner they open a shop ...    

Warning: The following joke must be said in a gruff Northern tone, preferably while holding a pint. 

[Izzy]

2 hours ago, Facecloth said:

@Izzy I'm sure you've posted the one above before?

 

1 hour ago, Facecloth said:

I tagged Izzy, I think he's posted it before and is usually quick to point out repeat jokes 

 

Yeah I did post that before mate. A long, long, time ago.

 

Last month 

[TiffToff88]

14 hours ago, yorkie1999 said:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine,

an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani,

a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian,

a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian,

a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian,

a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian,

a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian,

a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean,

a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese,

a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican,

a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti,

a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean,

an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean,

an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn,

a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian,

a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan,

a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian,

a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati,

an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi,

an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican,

a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan,

a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian,

a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner,

a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy,

a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese,

a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican,

a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian,

a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican,

a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander,

a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean,

a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani,

a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean,

a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari,

a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran,

a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot,

a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean,

a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander,

a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard,

a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede,

a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan,

a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan,

a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan,

a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

 

all go to a nightclub ..................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.

Which was he? Trinidadian or Tobagonian? He couldn't be from both islands. I believe the correct term for collective residents of the country are Trinibagonians.

 

The whole joke has been ruined by that monumental error ?

[yorkie1999]

1 minute ago, TiffToff88 said:

Which was he? Trinidadian or Tobagonian? He couldn't be from both islands. I believe the correct term for collective residents of the country are Trinibagonians.

 

The whole joke has been ruined by that monumental error ?

Did you actually read through them all?

[TiffToff88]

Just now, yorkie1999 said:

Did you actually read through them all?

Yes. Yes I did.

[hejammy]

20 hours ago, Countryfox said:

 

Why aren’t Pakistanis any good at football ....   cus every time they get a corner they open a shop ...    

I'm guessing you added the "tanis" to make it more acceptable? Good one!

[Countryfox]

20 hours ago, Jon the Hat said:

Nice bit of racial stereotyping there.

 

11 minutes ago, hejammy said:

I'm guessing you added the "tanis" to make it more acceptable? Good one!

 

To tell  the truth me and the Mrs were having a discussion on the 70’s and how dramatically things have changed ...   some for the better and some for the worse ..   she said even jokes are completely different and said you can tell the decade by the joke in many cases,  and told me this one as an example of a seventies joke ...     I’d never heard it, and must admit it made me titter, so shoved it in.   

 

[Izzy]

35 minutes ago, Countryfox said:

 

 

To tell  the truth me and the Mrs were having a discussion on the 70’s and how dramatically things have changed ...   some for the better and some for the worse ..   she said even jokes are completely different and said you can tell the decade by the joke in many cases,  and told me this one as an example of a seventies joke ...     I’d never heard it, and must admit it made me titter, so shoved it in.   

 

As defences go, that’s a pretty crap one mate tbh 

[Countryfox]

2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

As defences go, that’s a pretty crap one mate tbh 

 

Not defending it in the slightest mate ..   just giving a bit of background which I thought was slightly  interesting ...    if I really thought that was offensive I wouldn’t have posted it.  And if someone was really offended by it,  it would get hooked, and I’d have my cyber knuckles rapped ...      

[Mike Oxlong]

2 hours ago, Countryfox said:

 

 

To tell  the truth me and the Mrs were having a discussion on the 70’s and how dramatically things have changed ...   some for the better and some for the worse ..   she said even jokes are completely different and said you can tell the decade by the joke in many cases,  and told me this one as an example of a seventies joke ...     I’d never heard it, and must admit it made me titter, so shoved it in.   

 

 

Edited 18 January 2019 by Mike Oxlong

[Mike Oxlong]

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

[boots60]

The Missus said to me you love football more than you love me.

That's not true I replied. 

Yes it is she said, go on then, how long have we been together?

That's easy, twelve & a half seasons.