The joke thread

[Izzy]

On 06/07/2018 at 13:40, boots60 said:

My wife said to me "You love football more than me"

"Don't be silly, you know that's not true" I replied.

"OK then, how long have we been married? You don't know do you?" she asked.

Of course I do darling I retorted.

Eleven & a half seasons.

 

 

6 minutes ago, boots60 said:

The Missus said to me you love football more than you love me.

That's not true I replied. 

Yes it is she said, go on then, how long have we been together?

That's easy, twelve & a half seasons.

 

Bloody hell mate, you're repeating your own jokes now 

[Parafox]

3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

Bloody hell mate, you're repeating your own jokes now 

He's still a year out, though

[boots60]

2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

Bloody hell mate, you're repeating your own jokes now 

It's what you do when you get older. You'll be doing it yourself before too long ☺

BTW great historical awareness of the joke thread.

 

[Parafox]

2 minutes ago, boots60 said:

It's what you do when you get older. You'll be doing it yourself before too long ☺

BTW great historical awareness of the joke thread.

 

That's because they're mostly his own jokes

[Wortho]

A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a ground breaking operation of having two replacement ears grafted on that are made from pig skin.

A hospital spokesperson said that the operation was a success and that the man can hear, though he's experiencing a bit of crackling.

[Wortho]

Chatting to girl at a party, I asked her what do your friends call you?
“Vivaldi” she replied
“Ahh I see, bit of a violin player then?”
She said “Naaah, my names Viv & I work in Aldi”

[Tinman]

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To be fair they were right, we had six matching balls.

[Wortho]

I went to a porn stars reunion today.

 

It was nice to come across old faces again.

[Wortho]

I've just bought a house with old period features.

 

She f**king hates it when i call her that.

[Wolfox]

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it weigh now

[Tielemans63]

Men think about sex every 7 seconds.

 

So I eat hotdogs in 6, just to be on the safe side.

[Mayofox]

If Dyson left the UK it would be disastrous. It would leave a huge vacuum. 

[Jattdogg]

1 hour ago, Mayofox said:

If Dyson left the UK it would be disastrous. It would leave a huge vacuum. 

Wasnt this in the news thread as a comment. 

[yorkie1999]

On 17/01/2019 at 19:25, bovril said:

Warning: The following joke must be said in a gruff Northern tone, preferably while holding a pint. 

There's a pakistani chap on twitter who's always doing videos with those types of jokes. I think you're living 10 years out of date with the stereotyping remarks. 

[Wortho]

My missus dumped me so I stole her crutches. 

Guess who’s just come crawling back.

[Wortho]

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

[Tielemans63]

My teacher told me that I'd never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

 

Jokes on her, I've made two jugs and a vase so far and they look great.

 

 

Edited 26 January 2019 by Paddy.

[tom27111]

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

 

Brenda 

 

@Izzy is gonna tell me that's already been said 

[Izzy]

3 hours ago, tom27111 said:

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

 

Brenda 

 

@Izzy is gonna tell me that's already been said 

Nah, that's an original on here matey 

 

@Paddy.s dyslexia joke above however  

 

On 20/02/2018 at 10:08, Izzy said:

 

My mate Dave suffers from dyslexia and said he was joining a poetry group because it might help.

 

He hasn't written any poems yet, but he has made a fvcking beautiful vase and matching plate.

 

[Wortho]

Andy Murray wants to end his career at Wimbledon this year. 
Looks like Andy Carroll pipped him at the post

[boots60]

On 23/01/2019 at 23:30, Mayofox said:

If Dyson left the UK it would be disastrous. It would leave a huge vacuum. 

Blatant theft 

[Wortho]

Apparently Marie Fredrickson of the Swedish band Roxette has replaced her deodorant for butter to keep sweat at bay. 

It must of been dove, but it's clover now.

[Wortho]

I looked out of my window in horror last night as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through."

A woman at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?"

I said, "No, that's my bloody pizza."

[Parafox]

On ‎27‎/‎01‎/‎2019 at 05:36, tom27111 said:

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head?

 

Brenda 

 

@Izzy is gonna tell me that's already been said 

Already said in 1986 

[ozleicester]

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

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