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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Innovindil

Innovindil

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Courtesy of reddit. lol

 

 

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

 

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

 

Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

 

In it, was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.

 

Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long.”

 

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it, was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.

 

All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.”

 

“I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day”, commented Donald.

 

The devil opened a third door.

 

Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.

 

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

 

The devil smiled and said, “Okay: Monica, you're free to go."

 

 

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woznotwos

woznotwos

Posted
Posted

Did you know the average locust can jump higher than a house. This is due to its powerful hind legs, and the fact that the average house lacks the ability to jump at all.

Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

I just split up with my girlfriend Lorraine, ive been having an affair with an older woman called Deirdre.

Anyway all's good because ... 

I can see Deirdrie now Lorraine has gone...

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

The two ladies in my local chip shop are called Tina & Marge . I went in there just before they were closing, they had run out of chips , but said they would make some more . I said “ Don’t fry for me Marge & Tina”.

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, Wortho said:

As my old Grandad used to say, "When you're in a hole stop digging, son".
Great grandfather but a useless gravedigger.

Quite appropriate how you stopped your string of "jokes" after this one ;)

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
31 minutes ago, Wortho said:

I just split up with my girlfriend Lorraine, ive been having an affair with an older woman called Deirdre.

Anyway all's good because ... 

I can see Deirdrie now Lorraine has gone...

 

30 minutes ago, Wortho said:

The two ladies in my local chip shop are called Tina & Marge . I went in there just before they were closing, they had run out of chips , but said they would make some more . I said “ Don’t fry for me Marge & Tina”.

Image result for ouch gif

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
53 minutes ago, Carl the Llama said:

I'm almost tempted to forgive Izzy his transgresses after those :nigel:

 

I don't know that Izzy was a transgressual.

 

Does that mean he's chopped his knob off or just that he wears a frock while compiling his jokes? 

 

:ph34r:

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

I can't believe that Gary Barlow has blocked me on Twitter!

 

I've no idea why..... but whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it...

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VLC86

VLC86

Posted
Posted
On 03/02/2019 at 21:01, woznotwos said:

Did you know the average locust can jump higher than a house. This is due to its powerful hind legs, and the fact that the average house lacks the ability to jump at all.

Does anyone know how I delete someone else’s post? That’s vile.

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Izzy

Izzy

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When I was young I wanted to be a Doctor.

 

One of the tests was:

 

Rearrange these letters to name a part of the body with which you stand erect: PNISE

 

Those who wrote SPINE are now Doctors, the rest of us tell jokes on Foxestalk :D

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Izzy

Izzy

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A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But, she had a large house.

 

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

 

Unable to separate them; perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet who answered the phone in a very grumpy voice.

 

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

 

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

 

"Just worked for me" he replied.

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Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

an old man told me to rub potato on my windscreen and it prevents ice forming.so last night I tried it but must have rubbed too hard as theres a chip on the windscreen

Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

Johnny and James are in the playground at school when Johnny notices that James has a smart new watch.Where did you get that Johnny asks, oh said James I was walking past my sisters bedroom and heard strange moaning noises, so I went in, and my sister and her boyfriend had no clothes on and were lying on the bed together. When they saw me they promised to buy me a brand new watch if I didnt tell anyone what I saw.Wow, thought Johnny, I hear those noises from mum n dads room all the time. So that night Johnny waits on the landing, and sure enough he hears his mum making moaning sounds so he bursts in, there is his mum on all fours with his dad banging her from behind. Upon seeing him his mum lets out a scream and his dad says what the **** do you want son, er... I want a watch says Johnny nervously, ok says his dad, you can sit there but dont make a noise.

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