The joke thread

[Wortho]

 

I can't believe that Peter Beardsley is facing charges of racism. I'm sure anything he might have said was tongue in cheek.

[foxfanazer]

My wife once went to prison for beating her ex-husband with his guitars! At trial the judge said “first offender?” 
“No!” she said “first a Gibson, then a Fender!”

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I've been sacked from my job as a theatre designer.

 

I left without making a scene.

[The Bear]

I was sexually assaulted by a group of mimes...........they did unspeakable things to me.

[Wortho]

What's the difference between Victoria Beckham and a counterfeit dollar bill?

 

One's a phoney buck......

[Bob Weasel Fox]

To the little rascal who stole my glasses.

I will find you.

I've got contacts.

[Otis]

8 hours ago, Wortho said:

What's the difference between Victoria Beckham and a counterfeit dollar bill?

 

One's a phoney buck......

What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom.

 

One snatches watches....

[Izzy]

The wife asked if I loved her or football the most. 

 

I said “open your legs love and I’ll show you”. 

 

Nutmegged her. 

[Buce]

8 hours ago, Izzy said:

The wife asked if I loved her or football the most. 

 

I said “open your legs love and I’ll show you”. 

 

Nutmegged her. 

 

 

New name, new avatar, new jokes.

 

That's some makeover you've had, bro.

[TiffToff88]

29 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

 

New name, new avatar, new jokes.

 

That's some makeover you've had, bro.

New jokes? Where is he posting them then? 

[Beliall]

2 hours ago, Buce said:

 

 

New name, new avatar, new jokes.

 

That's some makeover you've had, bro.

 i hadnt even noticed the name change

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My girlfriend's dream has always been to get married in a castle.

So when I proposed I made that dream come true. 

Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on the miserable ****ers face as we were bouncing around inside it!

[Aus Fox]

35 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My girlfriend's dream has always been to get married in a castle.

So when I proposed I made that dream come true. 

Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on the miserable ****ers face as we were bouncing around inside it!

Same with my missues, as we sat there watching Kate and Wills tie the knot she sat there saying how she didn’t like the cathedral and if she was them she would have got married at the Palace.

I said in that case your wish is my command got down on one knee and asked her to marry me there and then.

Six months later I had it all booked and she couldn’t believe it as we got in the car that morning and drove down to London.

Shoudl have seen the miserable look on her face when she pulled up at Selhurst Park... 

Edited 3 April 2019 by Aus Fox

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges... I told him probably to put them on eBay...

[Wortho]

I was interviewed by the police last night.
I answered every question with 'No Comment'.
They rang this morning, I didn't get the job 

[Wortho]

I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died. "What the f**k are doing to do with that hammer".

[StanSP]

 

[Izzy]

32 minutes ago, StanSP said:

 

50/50 guess. Could easily have said "THE NOSE HAVE IT. THE NOSE HAVE IT" 

[Beliall]

Teacher: “Can anybody tell me which part of the body contains the optic nerve?”

John Bercow: “You already asked that question before and i wont let you ask it again”

[Buce]

25 minutes ago, Izzy said:

50/50 guess. Could easily have said "THE NOSE HAVE IT. THE NOSE HAVE IT" 

 

Not really. 

 

A) The optic nerve isn’t in the nose.

B) If it was, he would say ‘the nose has it. 

[StanSP]

1 hour ago, StanSP said:

 

 

11 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Teacher: “Can anybody tell me which part of the body contains the optic nerve?”

John Bercow: “You already asked that question before and i wont let you ask it again”

 

[Izzy]

2 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Not really. 

 

A) The optic nerve isn’t in the nose.

B) If it was, he would say ‘the nose has it. 

[Parafox]

I could tell you about the optic nerve and its functions and its pathways if you really, really want me to...

[Nalis]

My mate could tell you all about optic nerve, he stole some spirit bottles from the bar in broad daylight.

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 06/04/2019 at 08:59, Nalis said:

My mate could tell you all about optic nerve, he stole some spirit bottles from the bar in broad daylight.

I did the  rep, but at the same time I also want to