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The joke thread

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My wife once went to prison for beating her ex-husband with his guitars! At trial the judge said “first offender?” 
“No!” she said “first a Gibson, then a Fender!”

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8 hours ago, Wortho said:

What's the difference between Victoria Beckham and a counterfeit dollar bill?

 

One's a phoney buck......

What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom.

 

One snatches watches....

  • Haha 3

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8 hours ago, Izzy said:

The wife asked if I loved her or football the most. 

 

I said “open your legs love and I’ll show you”. 

 

Nutmegged her. 

 

lol

 

New name, new avatar, new jokes.

 

That's some makeover you've had, bro.

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29 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

lol

 

New name, new avatar, new jokes.

 

That's some makeover you've had, bro.

New jokes? Where is he posting them then? :ph34r:

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2 hours ago, Buce said:

 

lol

 

New name, new avatar, new jokes.

 

That's some makeover you've had, bro.

lol i hadnt even noticed the name change

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My girlfriend's dream has always been to get married in a castle.

So when I proposed I made that dream come true. 

Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on the miserable ****ers face as we were bouncing around inside it!

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35 minutes ago, Bob Weasel Fox said:

My girlfriend's dream has always been to get married in a castle.

So when I proposed I made that dream come true. 

Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on the miserable ****ers face as we were bouncing around inside it!

Same with my missues, as we sat there watching Kate and Wills tie the knot she sat there saying how she didn’t like the cathedral and if she was them she would have got married at the Palace.

I said in that case your wish is my command got down on one knee and asked her to marry me there and then.

Six months later I had it all booked and she couldn’t believe it as we got in the car that morning and drove down to London.

Shoudl have seen the miserable look on her face when she pulled up at Selhurst Park... 

Edited by Aus Fox
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I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges... I told him probably to put them on eBay...

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32 minutes ago, StanSP said:

 

50/50 guess. Could easily have said "THE NOSE HAVE IT. THE NOSE HAVE IT" 

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Teacher: “Can anybody tell me which part of the body contains the optic nerve?”

John Bercow: “You already asked that question before and i wont let you ask it again”

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25 minutes ago, Izzy said:

50/50 guess. Could easily have said "THE NOSE HAVE IT. THE NOSE HAVE IT" 

 

Not really. 

 

A) The optic nerve isn’t in the nose.

B) If it was, he would say ‘the nose has it. 

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1 hour ago, StanSP said:

 

 

11 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Teacher: “Can anybody tell me which part of the body contains the optic nerve?”

John Bercow: “You already asked that question before and i wont let you ask it again”

 

giphy.gif

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2 hours ago, Buce said:

 

Not really. 

 

A) The optic nerve isn’t in the nose.

B) If it was, he would say ‘the nose has it. 

Image result for oh shut up you tart

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I could tell you about the optic nerve and its functions and its pathways if you really, really want me to...

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My mate could tell you all about optic nerve, he stole some spirit bottles from the bar in broad daylight.

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On 06/04/2019 at 08:59, Nalis said:

My mate could tell you all about optic nerve, he stole some spirit bottles from the bar in broad daylight.

I did the lol rep, but at the same time I also want to :doh:

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