The joke thread

[woznotwos]

The kidz got the right hump 'cos i put ginger in the curry...........................they bloody loved that cat

[Beliall]

From QI

 

Damage to the right frontal cortex of the brain can cause a "compulsive need to constantly make and tell jokes".

 

sorry @Izzy

[Wortho]

Went to the doctors a few weeks back and he prescribed me suppositories for my ailment.

Took one every day with a glass of water.
For what good they did I might as well stuck them up my arse

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Went to the doctors a few weeks back and he prescribed me suppositories for my ailment.

Took one every day with a glass of water.
For what good they did I might as well stuck them up my arse

 

I think we have the same doctor - he gave me some medicine and told me to drink it after a hot bath.

 

A complete waste of time - it's been a week and I'm barely halfway through drinking the bath.

[winteriscoming]

Could anyone of done a better job than teresa may

Sorry read that wrong. 

Anyone could of done a better job than teresa may. 

[Parafox]

7 hours ago, Wortho said:

Went to the doctors a few weeks back and he prescribed me suppositories for my ailment.

Took one every day with a glass of water.
For what good they did I might as well stuck them up my arse

I'm sure they were telling that joke way back in the 60's. Around the time of Carry On Doctor?

[Parafox]

On ‎15‎/‎05‎/‎2019 at 20:39, foxfanazer said:

Today I got mugged by 6 dwarves.

 

Not happy.

I bet the grumpy one was the ringleader. I'm surprised you weren't helped out by the doc. Maybe he was sleepy.

[Parafox]

7 hours ago, Buce said:

 

I think we have the same doctor - he gave me some medicine and told me to drink it after a hot bath.

 

A complete waste of time - it's been a week and I'm barely halfway through drinking the bath.

Grammatically incorrect, sorry. 

 

"The doctor told me have a hot bath, then drink it"

[Parafox]

2 hours ago, winteriscoming said:

Could anyone of done a better job than teresa may

Sorry read that wrong. 

Anyone could of done a better job than teresa may. 

Have 

[Buce]

2 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Grammatically incorrect, sorry. 

 

"The doctor told me have a hot bath, then drink it"

 

I don't know why you're telling me, it was the doctor that said it.

[Parafox]

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I don't know why you're telling me, it was the doctor that said it.

Then you need to get a better doctor that understands the English language. Difficult, I know...

[Buce]

5 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Then you need to get a better doctor that understands the English language. Difficult, I know...

 

It's the Joke thread, mate.

 

I think you're probably looking for the I've had a shitty day, so I'll bring my buzzkill on to FT thread. 

[Parafox]

4 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

It's the Joke thread, mate.

 

I think you're probably looking for the I've had a shitty day, so I'll bring my buzzkill on to FT thread. 

I was joking. Did you miss that?

 

I've had very good day. Thanks for your concern

Edited 24 May 2019 by Parafox

[Buce]

25 minutes ago, Parafox said:

I was joking. Did you miss that?

 

 

 

Well, yeah, tbh.

 

I guess nuance is difficult to read on the internet.

Edited 24 May 2019 by Buce

[Parafox]

6 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Well, yeah, tbh.

 

I guess reading nuance is difficult to read on the internet.

T'is so. As well as in texts. . I never want to fall out with anyone because they've misconstrued my written response/contribution.

[st martin]

A daughter returned home to  her parents house in Ireland after spending 5 years in New York. She hugged her mum and dad, then turned to her dad and said "I have something to tell you dad, i'm a prostitute" her dad flew into a rage and said "get out of this house and don't darken these walls again"  The daughter said "okay dad but first can I give mum £2 million pounds and these keys to a new mansion down the road" and  she added "can I also give you these car keys to the new Tesla parked outside"  The Father said ah sure I thought you said Protestant !

[st martin]

Quite a few years back when Leicester were in financial trouble, a supporter threw a pound coin onto the pitch. 

The police didn't know if it was a dangerous missile or a take over bid.

[st martin]

I love travelling on trains.. don't you.

 

I love the Eurostar it's so friendly, so comfortable. But it's murder on the Orient Express !

[st martin]

Do you know the punishment for Bigamy ?

 

Two mother in laws !

[winteriscoming]

Even though I’m dyslexic I’m still a good dancer. 

Except when they play the village people. 

I hate that CMYA song. 

[Wolfox]

A young cleric is preparing to board a plane when he hears the Pope is on the same flight.

"This is exciting," he thinks, "I've always wanted to see the Pope in person." 

He's therefore even more surprised when the Pope sits down next to him, and starts work on a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thinks the young priest. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turns to him. Excuse me," he croaks, "but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman? It ends in '-unt'?"

Only one word leapt to the priest's mind. My goodness," he thinks, beginning to sweat. "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

Racking his brains, it finally hits him, and he turns to the Pontiff. "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." he says, relieved.

"Of course," says the Pope. "Hmm. You don't have any Tippex do you?"

[Wolfox]

Mary had a little skirt
With slits right up the sides
And every time she crossed her legs
The boys could see her thighs

Mary had another skirt
With a slit right up the front
She never wore that one...

[Wortho]

My wife came down from having a bath, gave me wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"

 

I said, "The plug hole is blocked?".

[Buce]

 

I call my mother-in-law laxative.

 

She irritates the shit out of me.

[Parafox]

Jokes about sugar are rare.

 

Jokes about brown sugar, well, demerara. 

 

What kind of cheese isn't yours?

 

Nacho cheese...

 

I'm here all week... 

Edited 28 May 2019 by Parafox