Our system detected that your browser is blocking advertisements on our site. Please help support FoxesTalk by disabling any kind of ad blocker while browsing this site. Thank you.
Jump to content
 Share
Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

Recommended Posts

Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

In the old days of the Soviet Union, a factory worker has managed to save enough to buy a new Lada. So he goes to the showroom and orders his car.
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'

  • Like 1
  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway., you're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the crash and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor continues. "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that'll work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is,it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want but you'd better discuss your decision with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-inch, she might be a bit put out but if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five-inch this time, she might be disappointed so it's important that she plays a role in helping you decide."
The man agrees to talk with his wife during that evening's visiting hours.
The doctor returns the next day.
"So," he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," the man replies.
"And, has she helped you in making the decision?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, she has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

  • Like 1
  • Haha 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Wortho said:

Have you ever touched your inner self?

 

I did this morning, bloody Tesco's value toilet paper

 

8 hours ago, Wortho said:

The Kama Sutra contains 64 sexual positions.

The wife's position on all of them is...

"No..!!!"

Get yourself over to either the Forest or Derby Cunty forums with that kind of contribution to our beloved FT lol:thumbdown:

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

An undercover cop called at a farm...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, the farmer replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f..k I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f...ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?”
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores. A short while later, he heard loud screams and looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by an angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
The farmer threw down his tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs,

“Your badge, show him your f...ing badge!”

  • Like 2
  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Suzie the Fox

Suzie the Fox

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes to see him.

 

Mick says 'How ya doing?'

 

Paddy replies 'Okay but you couldn't do me a favour and run upstairs and grab my slippers could you, my feet are freezing.'

 

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

 

He says, 'Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you.'

 

They say 'No way, prove it.'

 

Mick shouts downstairs, 'Paddy, both of them?'

 

Paddy shouts back, 'Of course, both of them, whats the point of fvcking one'?

 

 

 

 

  • Like 2
  • Haha 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
LiberalFox

LiberalFox

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted
On 17/05/2019 at 09:11, Wortho said:

An undercover cop called at a farm...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, the farmer replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f..k I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f...ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?”
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores. A short while later, he heard loud screams and looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by an angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
The farmer threw down his tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs,

“Your badge, show him your f...ing badge!”

Not very good at being undercover was he?

  • Haha 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
21 hours ago, Benguin said:

Has anyone been to the new nightclub in Leicester, “The Hokey Cokey”? 

 

It’s awful, I put my left foot in but then turned myself straight back around.

 

 

Maybe you should have given it the benefit of the doubt and put your left foot in again and waited to see what happened if you'd shaken it all about.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

It was a rare, bright, sunny day in the Scottish Highlands, and a hiker was enjoying his holiday, exploring the beautiful landscape.

He paused for a moment, leaning against a stone wall and took a long drink from his water bottle.

As he stood, there, taking in the scenery, an older gentleman in a wax jacket, with a border collie at his heel approached and wished him a good afternoon. The hiker nodded a greeting and took another drink. "Beautiful day for it," he said.

"Aye, that it is, that it is." the man replied. After a short silence, he spoke again. "Ya see this here wall, laddie?"

The hiker indicated that, yes, he could indeed see the very wall he was leaning on.

"This wall, laddie, it stretches for five miles, right tae the border of the McAngus property. And I built the whole thing wi' me own bare hands. But do they call me Hamish the wall builder? Nae, they dinnae."

The hiker wasn't sure how to respond to this, so he merely shrugged and said: "I see".

Hamish continued. "You see the barn over yonder? I built that barn with me own two hands when the previous one was taken down in the great storm of '86. I built the previous one as well."

"With your own bare hands?" interjected the hiker.

"Aye laddie, aye! Wi' me own bare hands. But do they call me Hamish the barn builder? Nae, laddie, they dinnae."

He pointed to the coast. "On a clear day such as this, ya ought to be able to see the wee jetty at the end of the road down there."

The hiker indicated that, yes, he could just about make out the jetty.

"I built that jetty wi' me own two hands, and three others like it hereabouts. But do they call me Hamish the jetty builder? Nae, they dinnae. The jetties, the barns. They were built wi' timber I cut my own self from the forest over yonder. I felled the trees, hauled them oot o' the forest, cut them intae planks. But do they call me Hamish the tree feller?"

"I don't suppose they do?" ventured the hiker.

"You'd suppose right laddie."

Hamish sighed a deep, mournful sigh.

"But ya shag one sheep..."

 

Edited by Buce
  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Wortho

Wortho

Posted
Posted

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop. Then she slipped it up her fanny... I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
 Share
Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...