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The joke thread

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In the old days of the Soviet Union, a factory worker has managed to save enough to buy a new Lada. So he goes to the showroom and orders his car.
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'

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My dad's sister made a weird sound like a snake when she took her anti-allergy medication.

Auntie hissed, I mean.

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8 hours ago, Wortho said:

Have you ever touched your inner self?

 

I did this morning, bloody Tesco's value toilet paper

 

8 hours ago, Wortho said:

The Kama Sutra contains 64 sexual positions.

The wife's position on all of them is...

"No..!!!"

Get yourself over to either the Forest or Derby Cunty forums with that kind of contribution to our beloved FT lol:thumbdown:

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13 hours ago, Parafox said:

 

Get yourself over to either the Forest or Derby Cunty forums with that kind of contribution to our beloved FT lol:thumbdown:

I am sorry you do not appreciate good jokes :D

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It’s a festival of foreigners camping it up, mincing about shrieking like girls and having hissy fits if they lose. 

 

And after the fa cup final I might watch Eurovision. 

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Has anyone been to the new nightclub in Leicester, “The Hokey Cokey”? 

 

It’s awful, I put my left foot in but then turned myself straight back around.

 

 

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Have you heard a country in Africa has banned petrol cars? Mad at gas car I think it’s called. 

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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

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Just now, Tinman said:

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

This joke is copyright @FerrisBueller

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21 hours ago, Benguin said:

Has anyone been to the new nightclub in Leicester, “The Hokey Cokey”? 

 

It’s awful, I put my left foot in but then turned myself straight back around.

 

 

Maybe you should have given it the benefit of the doubt and put your left foot in again and waited to see what happened if you'd shaken it all about.

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It was a rare, bright, sunny day in the Scottish Highlands, and a hiker was enjoying his holiday, exploring the beautiful landscape.

He paused for a moment, leaning against a stone wall and took a long drink from his water bottle.

As he stood, there, taking in the scenery, an older gentleman in a wax jacket, with a border collie at his heel approached and wished him a good afternoon. The hiker nodded a greeting and took another drink. "Beautiful day for it," he said.

"Aye, that it is, that it is." the man replied. After a short silence, he spoke again. "Ya see this here wall, laddie?"

The hiker indicated that, yes, he could indeed see the very wall he was leaning on.

"This wall, laddie, it stretches for five miles, right tae the border of the McAngus property. And I built the whole thing wi' me own bare hands. But do they call me Hamish the wall builder? Nae, they dinnae."

The hiker wasn't sure how to respond to this, so he merely shrugged and said: "I see".

Hamish continued. "You see the barn over yonder? I built that barn with me own two hands when the previous one was taken down in the great storm of '86. I built the previous one as well."

"With your own bare hands?" interjected the hiker.

"Aye laddie, aye! Wi' me own bare hands. But do they call me Hamish the barn builder? Nae, laddie, they dinnae."

He pointed to the coast. "On a clear day such as this, ya ought to be able to see the wee jetty at the end of the road down there."

The hiker indicated that, yes, he could just about make out the jetty.

"I built that jetty wi' me own two hands, and three others like it hereabouts. But do they call me Hamish the jetty builder? Nae, they dinnae. The jetties, the barns. They were built wi' timber I cut my own self from the forest over yonder. I felled the trees, hauled them oot o' the forest, cut them intae planks. But do they call me Hamish the tree feller?"

"I don't suppose they do?" ventured the hiker.

"You'd suppose right laddie."

Hamish sighed a deep, mournful sigh.

"But ya shag one sheep..."

 

Edited by Buce
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The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When I came up the stairs, I found her lying naked on the bed, licking a lollipop. Then she slipped it up her fanny... I said, "Careful with that, love. You'll need it to help the children across the road tomorrow!"

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