The joke thread

[Wortho]

16 minutes ago, Izzy said:

At least I made the effort to make mine look original rather that blatant copy and paste jobs 

My jokes are all originals!!

[Buce]

10 minutes ago, Wortho said:

My jokes are all originals!!

 

 Wortho's originals.

 

 

[Tinman]

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A610 just outside Nottingham early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat roadkill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[ozleicester]

I bumped into an old mate in town earlier - I asked him what he was up to these days...

 

"I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing".

 

"Charity work?" I asked.

 

"No. Wetherspoons."

Edited 6 May 2019 by ozleicester

[Wortho]

I went to bed last night convinced that I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.

Woke up this morning feeling fine

[Izzy]

15 minutes ago, Wortho said:

I went to bed last night convinced that I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.

Woke up this morning feeling fine

Another one for the teenagers on here 

[Wortho]

2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Another one for the teenagers on here 

Do you have teenagers on here?

[Izzy]

15 minutes ago, Wortho said:

Do you have teenagers on here?

Only about 80% of posters 

[Wortho]

My wife used to work as a magician's assistant years ago. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early yesterday and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Brad came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor b*stard must have wondered what the **** was going on...

[Wortho]

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

[Wortho]

As my old Grandad used to say, "When you're in a hole stop digging, son".
Great grandfather but a useless gravedigger.

[Izzy]

On 06/02/2019 at 12:30, Wortho said:

As my old Grandad used to say, "When you're in a hole stop digging, son".
Great grandfather but a useless gravedigger.

 

3 hours ago, Wortho said:

As my old Grandad used to say, "When you're in a hole stop digging, son".
Great grandfather but a useless gravedigger.

[Jimothy]

26 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

He told it better second time.

[ajthefox]

13 hours ago, Izzy said:

Only about 80% of posters 

I assume you're going off mental age...

[Wortho]

16 hours ago, Izzy said:

 

 

You can't honestly expect me to remember what i have posted previously. I don't even remember what I did last night.

[adam1]

 

[Wymsey]

One of the worst "jokes" that one can come up with..

Completely unnecessary tbh.

[Tiny earl]

I think my girlfriend may be self harming

but she won't open up to me!

[Izzy]

On 21/05/2018 at 11:47, Wortho said:

I bumped into an old mate who I hadn't seen for years.
"What you doing now mate" I asked.
"I feed meals to the drop outs,down and outs,druggies,piss heads and the doleites" he said."So you working for a charity" I asked.
"No" he replied.
"I work for Wetherspoons".

 

On 06/05/2019 at 12:20, ozleicester said:

I bumped into an old mate in town earlier - I asked him what he was up to these days...

 

"I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol. That sort of thing".

 

"Charity work?" I asked.

 

"No. Wetherspoons."

FFS, Oz is nicking Worthos gags now 

[Buce]

2 minutes ago, Izzy said:

 

FFS, Oz is nicking Worthos gags now 

 

 

Do they even have 'Spoons Down Under?

[Tielemans63]

A North Korean soldier walks into a bar

 

The landlord asks, "How's it going?"

 

The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

[foxfanazer]

Never bet on a horse to win at 15/1.

 

They're crap at general knowledge

[Tielemans63]

John O'Neill hoisted his pint in the air and shouted "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My wife can do a far better West Midlands accent than me.

This goes to show that the female of the species is more Dudley than the male...

[ozleicester]

On 10/05/2019 at 23:28, Izzy said:

 

FFS, Oz is nicking Worthos gags now 

 

 

On 10/05/2019 at 23:31, Buce said:

 

 

Do they even have 'Spoons Down Under?

No, but we have lived the spoons high life across the uk