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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
On 30/05/2019 at 08:52, Wortho said:

Why is Mickey Mouse's helicopter no use in Scotland?

Disneyland.

 

2 hours ago, Wakeyfox said:

Why did the airline stop the Scottish pilot from flying to the French capital? 

 

Because he Disneyland Paris. 

Image result for cant speak gif

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Beliall said:

Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching. I asked how she was getting on. She said, "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".

 

That's funny. I was just asking her if she'd say a few words of introduction before my new stage show. She refused.

When I asked her why, she replied "Nothing compères to you" 

 

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Beliall

Beliall

Posted
Posted
54 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

That's funny. I was just asking her if she'd say a few words of introduction before my new stage show. She refused.

When I asked her why, she replied "Nothing compères to you" 

 

Reminds of the time i was asked to speak at a funeral, i said "abundance" She thanked me , saying that means a lot

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Beliall said:

Reminds of the time i was asked to speak at a funeral, i said "abundance" She thanked me , saying that means a lot

I was also asked to say a few words at a funeral, i said "Water Pit"

 

The widow replied "Thanks, i know you mean Well"

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orangecity23

orangecity23

Posted
Posted

Depeche Mode are staying at a hotel in France. They go down to the restaurant for breakfast, and the waiter comes around to take their order. After looking at the menu, everyone orders the omelette. The waiter goes away, then comes back with a bowl of cereal for everyone, and a few rounds of toast. The band are furious, and call the hotel manager over to complain. The manager apologises profusely, but says he can't serve the omelette, due to supplier problems. One of the band asks what he means. The manager replies ...... "I just can't get un oeuf."

 

 

 

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Nalis

Nalis

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 13/06/2019 at 12:59, TiffToff88 said:

I was also asked to say a few words at a funeral, i said "Water Pit"

 

The widow replied "Thanks, i know you mean Well"

Me too actually, so I said 'Earth'

 

The widow said 'thanks, that means the world to me'.

Edited by Nalis
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Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Nalis said:

Me too actually, so I said 'Earth'

 

The widow said 'thanks, that means the world to me'.

I was as well actually. So I stood up and said "Bargain".

 

The widow thanked me and said "That means a great deal".

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
On 25/10/2018 at 19:48, Izzy said:

It's funny because I was also at a funeral recently and asked the widow of the deceased if I could say a word. She said "Of course", so I stood up and said "Bargain".

 

She touched me on the arm and said "That means a great deal".

 

1 hour ago, Facecloth said:

I was as well actually. So I stood up and said "Bargain".

 

The widow thanked me and said "That means a great deal".

:rolleyes:

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TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Wymeswold fox said:

You lot like putting in the fun in funerals..>_<

 

Not a joke, but that reminds me of a school project I did for Business Studies. Had to create a company and an advert. My group did a funeral directors and the slogan was "We put the 'Fun' in Funerals" ?

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Buce said:

My blind neighbour was found dead this morning. 

 

She bled to death trying to read a cheese grater. 

 

 

 

True story: i was once helping someone  get ready for a birthday party and was given the job of grating the cheese. was going like the clappers with the last bit and ended up taking the top of my knuckle off, bled like crazy.  couldn’t find the top of my knuckle anywhere so just put a plaster on it and kept quiet.

 

 

:ph34r:

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Strokes

Strokes

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, MPH said:

 

 

 

True story: i was once helping someone  get ready for a birthday party and was given the job of grating the cheese. was going like the clappers with the last bit and ended up taking the top of my knuckle off, bled like crazy.  couldn’t find the top of my knuckle anywhere so just put a plaster on it and kept quiet.

 

 

:ph34r:

lol

Someone got a knuckle sandwich.

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On ‎17‎/‎06‎/‎2019 at 08:51, Wortho said:

The wife's sister knocked me out earlier, I was so f**king angry.
What sort of sick b*tch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers!

 

23 hours ago, Wortho said:

I told the doctor ''I think I've broken my leg in three places.''
He said, ''Well, you shouldn't have gone to those places.''

 

28 minutes ago, Wortho said:

I took a girl back to my place.

"You haven't removed many bras have you", she sighed.

"What gave it away?"

"The scissors, mainly!".

At least you took the weekend off to give us some respite :P

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