What's the worst fart you have ever done

[Rob1742]

A pub called Kirkpatricks in South Shields around 15 years ago. Cleared the whole pub, grown men leaving their drinks. A very proud moment.

[tom27111]

Bookies in Great Yarmouth, the cashier apologised as she thought it was the drains!

[Guest MattP]

A packed lift in Edinburgh, a woman said 'ohh nooooo' in her lovely Scottish accent and all hell broke loose, people were banging numbers to get out and one lad jumped out the door and I just saw him being sick as it closed again.

[Sharpe's Fox]

You need to be like ten minutes from a poo, after living off leftover egg curry for a few days, for a proper stonker. The out flowing gas picks up more poo particles this way. This is science.

Also it can't be a big dense poo, otherwise the restriction of space in the anal cavity makes it just a little squeaky fart. The poo has gotta be soft, but still hold its shape. This is also science.

[One Legged Beaver]

Managed to clear a little area for myself in the library a few years ago.

[Mike Oxlong]

The one that turned from an anticipated guff of wind into a torrent of dirty brown water down the trouser leg of my suit, shortly before an important meeting.

[Bilo]

Some of my home brew ones are fvcking disgusting and could gag a maggot. 

 

As a teacher, it's not unheard of for me to let a silent one go whilst teaching and blame the kids. 

 

One I did do was a lingerer, you know the sort. It started in the fresh air and even there smelled like something had crawled up my arse and died. I was quite proud when I heard a woman behind me saying 'God, it makes me feel sick when the farmers start spraying their fields.'

[z-layrex]

I shit in my ex girlfriend's bed once a few years ago when I thought it was a fart (she was out having breakfast I was too hungover to go). Luckily I was wearing jogging bottoms so it contained the explosion to give me korma trousers. The worst part was I was still drunk and I had got it on my hands without realising and got it all up the walls and door handles on the way to the toilet. Then when I was on the toilet shitting my liver out her mum came upstairs and saw it all...

[HEGGSY]

I shit in my ex girlfriend's bed once a few years ago when I thought it was a fart (she was out having breakfast I was too hungover to go). Luckily I was wearing jogging bottoms so it contained the explosion to give me korma trousers. The worst part was I was still drunk and I had got it on my hands without realising and got it all up the walls and door handles on the way to the toilet. Then when I was on the toilet shitting my liver out her mum came upstairs and saw it all...

lol

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I shit in my ex girlfriend's bed once a few years ago when I thought it was a fart (she was out having breakfast I was too hungover to go). Luckily I was wearing jogging bottoms so it contained the explosion to give me korma trousers. The worst part was I was still drunk and I had got it on my hands without realising and got it all up the walls and door handles on the way to the toilet. Then when I was on the toilet shitting my liver out her mum came upstairs and saw it all...

Brilliant

Had a similar "follow through" incident recently with my second Wife and several chairs . . .

[Vardinhio]

Wowzers some of these stories! Mine would be clearing my own sections of nightclubs on numerous ocassions, oh and blaming it on a mate!

[MikeyT]

I shit in my ex girlfriend's bed once a few years ago when I thought it was a fart (she was out having breakfast I was too hungover to go). Luckily I was wearing jogging bottoms so it contained the explosion to give me korma trousers. The worst part was I was still drunk and I had got it on my hands without realising and got it all up the walls and door handles on the way to the toilet. Then when I was on the toilet shitting my liver out her mum came upstairs and saw it all...

Almost reminds me of that scene from Trainspotting  

[Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo]

I woke the missus up with a dutch oven once, I say dutch - it was Full English. The stink was unbearable

[FoxesAreBlue]

Was in one of the bars in town, think it was The Glass House and decided that the bird talking to the lad on the stairs was far, far too good looking for him and dropped my guts on my way past to the toilets to let out some of the dirty petrol.

It was obviously a decent effort because on the way back she was blaming him and a few moments later left.

I'd love to finish this by telling you I swooped in there and gave her clout a good seeing too, alas, that is not the case.

[rico]

My ex was selling her house and just before she was having a viewing i went round and dropped my guts in the living room,no matter how much air freshener she used she couldn't get rid of the stench

[z-layrex]

I'm moving to a new flat today, I'm sat in my car waiting for the check in bloke, and I'm pretty hungover. Doing some absolutely delicious farts in here, I'm in heaven. Good thing I'm alone.

[bovril]

I did a lot of great ones this Christmas and blamed my 2 year old nephew.

[screwitt]

I did a lot of great ones this Christmas and blamed my 2 year old nephew.

evil but i like it

[Brenfox]

I was in Asda one morning hungover desperately needed to fart. I thought I could silently squeeze it out but I felt a warm dribbling down my leg. I rushed down the meat aisle like John Wayne to the toilets but someone was in there. I waited for what seemed like eternity for this big fat scruffy bloke to come out & say "I'd give it five minutes if I were you mate" I obviously didn't have five minutes so barged past him into the cubicle.

It absolutely stank in there but I didn't care. My boxers were unsalvageable so I took them off & cleaned myself up, leaving me with the dilemma of where to stash my soiled under crackers. I poked my head out of the cubicle & not only nobody in there but there was a bin conveniently placed nearby. Jackpot I thought. Just as I was dropping my cack covered boxers in the bin the toilet attendant came in & looked horrified.

[GingerrrFox]

I bust a fart so bad on Christmas Day years ago that it made my Grandmother sick. I was sat on a leather sofa at the time and the heat combined turned the fart into a complete vaccum of shit that when released wafted a foot towards her and she wretched and was sick. One of my most shameful but at the same time proudest moments in my life.

Edited 15 January 2015 by GingerrrFox

[Bellend Sebastian]

A couple of times I've had the trumps something rotten, and been merrily silently trumping away producing cubic metres of completely inert, odourless emissions, to the point that you get cocky and therefore careless, and then suddenly from nowhere, they're followed by the worst fart ever, one that makes even your own eyes bleed, let alone everyone else's.  Without a doubt, these are worse than your typical stinker.

 

Can any fart experts here explain this phenomenon?  I'm sure there'll be a Horizon special on it before too long, but in the meantime I'm intrigued

[bovril]

I bust a fart so bad on Christmas Day years ago that it made my Grandmother sick. I was sat on a leather sofa at the time and the heat combined turned the fart into a complete vaccum of shit that when released wafted a foot towards her and she wretched and was sick. One of my most shameful but at the same time proudest moments in my life.

 

In many ways this captures the true spirit of Christmas.

[Vardinhio]

A couple of times I've had the trumps something rotten, and been merrily silently trumping away producing cubic metres of completely inert, odourless emissions, to the point that you get cocky and therefore careless, and then suddenly from nowhere, they're followed by the worst fart ever, one that makes even your own eyes bleed, let alone everyone else's.  Without a doubt, these are worse than your typical stinker.

 

Can any fart experts here explain this phenomenon?  I'm sure there'll be a Horizon special on it before too long, but in the meantime I'm intrigued

 

You must have dislodged a poor particle initally with the final push gliding straight past it and thus emitting the toxic gas from your anus.

[z-layrex]

A couple of times I've had the trumps something rotten, and been merrily silently trumping away producing cubic metres of completely inert, odourless emissions, to the point that you get cocky and therefore careless, and then suddenly from nowhere, they're followed by the worst fart ever, one that makes even your own eyes bleed, let alone everyone else's.  Without a doubt, these are worse than your typical stinker.

 

Can any fart experts here explain this phenomenon?  I'm sure there'll be a Horizon special on it before too long, but in the meantime I'm intrigued

 

It's because the poo is further up your GI tract and moving along via peristalsis. So you're farting out the mostly odourless gas between the turd and your anus, until eventually you fart out the gas that was in close proximity to the sewer serpent. That means it's time to drop anchor in poo bay my friend.

[Bellend Sebastian]

You must have dislodged a poor particle initally with the final push gliding straight past it and thus emitting the toxic gas from your anus.

 

I thought this was a good explanation and but then a true scientist of the art entered the fray.....

 

It's because the poo is further up your GI tract and moving along via peristalsis. So you're farting out the mostly odourless gas between the turd and your anus, until eventually you fart out the gas that was in close proximity to the sewer serpent. That means it's time to drop anchor in poo bay my friend.

 

Well I'm convinced.  If it happens again, I'll be sure to relay this to the assembled throng and they're bound to take great comfort from it, before making my excuses and dropping my kids off at the pool