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Rob1742

What's the worst fart you have ever done

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If a tree falls in a field and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

 

Yes, of course it does.

 

But when one is wearing headphones and listening to loud music and breaks wind does one just kinda not acknowledge it's happened or just presume that it was a fairly silent affair?

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  • 3 years later...
9 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Farted at work and made one of the lads gag from it.

 

Anyway i started a new job and i said I'd stay for some overtime, went break into the canteen.. sat down with the lads and suddenly had to run to the toilet..

 

Got to the toilet for a west indian lady to be cleaning them.. she could see i was in need so let me go, i sat down started my poo and i farted at the same time...

 

In her west indian accent she said "oh nooo that a bad one" 

 

Can you imagine how embarrassing that was for me and she was just smiling away at me when i came out? Lol

lol

 

I went to my Uncles 60th birthday party a few years ago at a village hall. It was full of his mates who are mostly farmers.

 

I desperately needed a dump so went to the bogs and did the smelliest, vile poo imaginable.

 

I heard a couple of blokes walk in and one says to the other (in a typical farmer accent) "Fvckin el, it stinks like silage in here!" 

 

I laughed out loud in the cubicle and the other one says "You need to see a doctor mate" and I laughed even more.

 

Oh how we all laughed...

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I was into bodybuilding back in the day so all that protein used to produce some corking flatulence. 

 

I let one rip in the gym between a particularly heavy set of incline flyes. I knew it was bad because it was a silent blast of hot air that literally deflated my stomach and set my ring on fire. You could literally see it travel down the full length of the gym. People were just dropping weights and cutting sets short to get out the path of this intense vile odour, people further down the gym were watching the carnage unfold, wondering what was going on then realising the full horror of what was happening when the foul stench hit their nostrils. Never too this day have I managed to reproduce the same toxic concentration of fart gas, it was like nothing I've smelt before or since and sadly unlikely to ever again.

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First day on hol in Portugal. Got in last night and ate an absolute shitload of sheep cheese and this weird raw sausage stuff, washed down with 6 pints of super bock.

 

Having lunch on the balcony an hour ago, I felt a great pain in the bowels and let out a gigantic hot fart before I could think to hold it in. It cleared the entire balcony, just about made it to the toilet for the diarrhea phase.

 

Glad my fiance's parents are chill.

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14 minutes ago, z-layrex said:

First day on hol in Portugal. Got in last night and ate an absolute shitload of sheep cheese and this weird raw sausage stuff, washed down with 6 pints of super bock.

 

Having lunch on the balcony an hour ago, I felt a great pain in the bowels and let out a gigantic hot fart before I could think to hold it in. It cleared the entire balcony, just about made it to the toilet for the diarrhea phase.

 

Glad my fiance's parents are chill.

Portugal, fascinating culture and heritage, beautiful country, wonderful climate - no idea why, but last time I was there I got this irrepressible urge to visit a football forum to discuss flatulence and intestinal motility. 

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7 minutes ago, Line-X said:

Portugal, fascinating culture and heritage, beautiful country, wonderful climate - no idea why, but last time I was there I got this irrepressible urge to visit a football forum to discuss flatulence and intestinal motility. 

Lol lol lol

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I’ve always wondered when on public transport with earphones in if any of the presumed silent eventualities have been far louder than expected. And if so why is the guilt and public preparedness ratio so lessened?

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5 minutes ago, Swan Lesta said:

I’ve always wondered when on public transport with earphones in if any of the presumed silent eventualities have been far louder than expected. And if so why is the guilt and public preparedness ratio so lessened?

Because ignorance is bliss. As a daily train commuter, on mornings when I've forgotten my own headphones I hear people all around me with headphones on letting out little stinkers, they must think it's safe.

 

I'm quite sure mine are silent tho, I am very good at farting silently. I work in a hospital and get gas when im stressed or upset so letting it out silently in bad situations at work is key for me to function adequately.

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26 minutes ago, z-layrex said:

Because ignorance is bliss. As a daily train commuter, on mornings when I've forgotten my own headphones I hear people all around me with headphones on letting out little stinkers, they must think it's safe.

 

I'm quite sure mine are silent tho, I am very good at farting silently. I work in a hospital and get gas when im stressed or upset so letting it out silently in bad situations at work is key for me to function adequately.

Yeah, that’s what I think too.

 

You’re probably rubbish at it.

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On 15/01/2015 at 00:28, z-layrex said:

I shit in my ex girlfriend's bed once a few years ago when I thought it was a fart (she was out having breakfast I was too hungover to go). Luckily I was wearing jogging bottoms so it contained the explosion to give me korma trousers. The worst part was I was still drunk and I had got it on my hands without realising and got it all up the walls and door handles on the way to the toilet. Then when I was on the toilet shitting my liver out her mum came upstairs and saw it all...

You sound like spud off trainspotting

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I was out doing delivery’s the other month when my next drop was out to market harborour,I was dropping off some building equipment so assumed I would ask the builder if I could use the shitter at the address I was delivering to,

but upon knocking on the door a women answered,

and i couldn’t  bring myself to take a shit at her house,

so upon getting back in the van,

my stomoch was churning big time,

im not familiar with the area  so thought I would google McDonald’s as the best place to let it out,

as im driving there I see a kfc,

so quickly drove in,

but there was a ****in chicken shortage so they was shut,

im close to touching cloth at this stage and when I pull in at McDonald’s,

i know as soon as I stand up I would shit myself,

so slowly and with bum cheeks clenched I slowly made my way to the toilet,

but there was only one cubicle and that was in use,

now my situation is desperate,

when i finally get in the toilet which reeks from the previous person,

half the shit is i my pants,half in the toilet,

so after cleaning myself up had to bin my boxers and go commando for the rest of the day,

now I always carry bog roll with me when I do deliveries 

Edited by Russell sprout
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23 minutes ago, Russell sprout said:

I was out doing delivery’s the other month when my next drop was out to market harborour,I was dropping off some building equipment so assumed I would ask the builder if I could use the shitter at the address I was delivering to,

but upon knocking on the door a women answered,

and i couldn’t  bring myself to take a shit at her house,

so upon getting back in the van,

my stomoch was churning big time,

im not familiar with the area  so thought I would google McDonald’s as the best place to let it out,

as im driving there I see a kfc,

so quickly drove in,

but there was a ****in chicken shortage so they was shut,

im close to touching cloth at this stage and when I pull in at McDonald’s,

i know as soon as I stand up I would shit myself,

so slowly and with bum cheeks clenched I slowly made my way to the toilet,

but there was only one cubicle and that was in use,

now my situation is desperate,

when i finally get in the toilet which reeks from the previous person,

half the shit is i my pants,half in the toilet,

so after cleaning myself up had to bin my boxers and go commando for the rest of the day,

now I always carry bog roll with me when I do deliveries 

 

 

Bet the poor sod on bin duty wasn’t lovin it 

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