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Rob1742

What's the worst fart you have ever done

By Rob1742, in General Chat

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Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo

Julian Joachim Jr Shabadoo

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It's because the poo is further up your GI tract and moving along via peristalsis. So you're farting out the mostly odourless gas between the turd and your anus, until eventually you fart out the gas that was in close proximity to the sewer serpent. That means it's time to drop anchor in poo bay my friend.

That went from a science lesson to absolute poetry. Excellent

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Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

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It's because the poo is further up your GI tract and moving along via peristalsis. So you're farting out the mostly odourless gas between the turd and your anus, until eventually you fart out the gas that was in close proximity to the sewer serpent. That means it's time to drop anchor in poo bay my friend.

Your a legend mate

Nurse if I remember rightly?

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Tommy G

Tommy G

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Few years back now but a work colleague picked me up from my house. Heard the pip so went outside, I had had a chicken jalfrezi the night before and was at the point whether I was in two minds whether to go for a poo or wait until I'd had a coffee..so I chanced it and penciled in a 10/11am job at the clients.

 

Felt a bit of gas coming when I closed the front door so I let it out.

 

My back was to the car as SHE pulled up, thought I was safe. There was no wind that day, it was probably the most still summers day you can ever imagine.

 

I had a suit on. She pulled up and jestured for me to hurry up so I obliged, still pushing out the last of the gas. Didn't smell a thing. Jumped in the car and the smell followed me in, it was like I had dragged a corpse in with me. It had got trapped under my suit jacket I reckon.

 

It was awful, imagine it - my more senior work colleague in shock as to what I had brought in with me about 7.45am. She was hoping for some aftershave but got a Jalfrezi and what smelt like 12 rotten scotch eggs. The window was wound down immediately. It was the most awkward moment of my life.  

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GingerrrFox

GingerrrFox

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Few years back now but a work colleague picked me up from my house. Heard the pip so went outside, I had had a chicken jalfrezi the night before and was at the point whether I was in two minds whether to go for a poo or wait until I'd had a coffee..so I chanced it and penciled in a 10/11am job at the clients.

 

Felt a bit of gas coming when I closed the front door so I let it out.

 

My back was to the car as SHE pulled up, thought I was safe. There was no wind that day, it was probably the most still summers day you can ever imagine.

 

I had a suit on. She pulled up and jestured for me to hurry up so I obliged, still pushing out the last of the gas. Didn't smell a thing. Jumped in the car and the smell followed me in, it was like I had dragged a corpse in with me. It had got trapped under my suit jacket I reckon.

 

It was awful, imagine it - my more senior work colleague in shock as to what I had brought in with me about 7.45am. She was hoping for some aftershave but got a Jalfrezi and what smelt like 12 rotten scotch eggs. The window was wound down immediately. It was the most awkward moment of my life.  

 

That is heroic. Utterly heroic. Window straight down, job done. 

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Rob1742

Rob1742

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Not the worst, but still quite bad, and well worth a mention.

I went with my boss to see an extremely wealthy client who was a multimillionaire. I didn't know my boss all that well, as I had just joined the company.

The wealthy client took us out for lunch, him driving his £100k merc, my boss sitting next to him in the front, me sitting in the back.

Then someone farted, it was horrible, a real eggy one and as we were all unsure of each other, nobody said anything.

Then the wealthy guy opened the window to let it out.

But this has left me with a few unanswered questions.

1. Was it my boss, or was it the wealthy guy?

2. Was the wealthy guy opening the window to let his own fart out, or did he think it was me or my boss?

It has also taught me something very important. If you are in a group of just three and you don't know them well, the farter will only get 50% of the blame from the other two people.

I think it was the wealthy one. He has always been a very calculated guy and I think he did it, knowing that my boss would only give at most 50% of the blame to the wealthy one. In fact, my boss would probably think the wealthy one wouldn't do such a thing, so he will probably only take 30% of the blame.

Whoever of the two did it, it taught me a lesson and to this day, 16 years on I am non the wiser who dropped it.

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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Was feeling pretty ropey on a trip back from Leicester to Leeds when I was a student. Went for a sneaky fart around about Barnsley and it turned into a full-on shart - not so much a turtle's head as the whole turtle and then some. It was literally down my trouser leg.

 

I drove the rest of the way too Leeds by which time the floodgates had opened. When I got back to my house in Headingley I avoided all my housemates, shuffled up to the top bathroom and the world fell out of my arse. I had ruined my boxer shorts so badly that I opened the skylight and lobbed them & my jeans out onto the roof where they probably still are to this day.

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Vardinhio

Vardinhio

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Was feeling pretty ropey on a trip back from Leicester to Leeds when I was a student. Went for a sneaky fart around about Barnsley and it turned into a full-on shart - not so much a turtle's head as the whole turtle and then some. It was literally down my trouser leg.

 

I drove the rest of the way too Leeds by which time the floodgates had opened. When I got back to my house in Headingley I avoided all my housemates, shuffled up to the top bathroom and the world fell out of my arse. I had ruined my boxer shorts so badly that I opened the skylight and lobbed them & my jeans out onto the roof where they probably still are to this day.

The roof! Surely there was a better choice! haha

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

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The roof! Surely there was a better choice! haha

Honestly mate, there was no way I could put them back on and if one of the 7 other people I lived with had seen me I would have seriously struggled to explain / never ever lived it down.

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Filbert Walker

Filbert Walker

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17 years old....driving to the polytechnic in 1983, when i saw waiting at a bus stop a girl i had lusted after since school days....  the traffic was slow so she noticed me as I noticed her.... this was it I could wave her over and in start to achieve a long thought after dream.....

 

Reverse 10 minutes.....   Getting into the car and after a heavy night in the local Pub... and a late night Chinese....  Gas was leaving my body at a desperate rate.... long ones... short ones... wet ones....the car was rapidly becoming a mobile no go zone.... lifting the left butt cheek... lifting the right... then lifting the butt up.... it was flowing like north sea gas.... 

 

.....the fear that I felt as my dream girl started to move towards the car for a lift was unbelievable ... i realised that a snap decision had to be made.... i hit the indicator  checked my mirrors and went off down the outside of everyone else like Jackie Stewart......and turned up a street that was nearest....

 

Needless to say I never saw her again....

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MPH

MPH

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 Had a right good night, the night before. Worked in the children's intensive care unit at the Leicester Royal Infirmary at the time.

 

 

Was a mad morning at work. could feel it brewing. I was holding it in with everything i had.  I mean, these parents had enough on their plate without some rank smell lingering about, Excused myself out of the department and made my way to the toilet just to be beaten to it. Almost panicked and low and behold right before me a lift opened up. Felt like the gates of heaven. Angels singing and everything.  Stepped in, pressed the ground floor doors started to close and i LET RIP, i tell you. .  Such relief.  Saw a hand just managed to stop the door from closing. Sheer horror. In stepped a nurse. She was so disgusted. My " oops. didnt think anyone else needed the lift" and a little smile and chuckle  Did not change the disgusted look on her face.  It was a very awkward ride down to the ground floor.

 

 

 

What was i thjinking? anyone who has ever been to the Royal infirmary knows you never get a lift to yourself for long anyway....

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z-layrex

z-layrex

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Had a right good night, the night before. Worked in the children's intensive care unit at the Leicester Royal Infirmary at the time.

Was a mad morning at work. could feel it brewing. I was holding it in with everything i had. I mean, these parents had enough on their plate without some rank smell lingering about, Excused myself out of the department and made my way to the toilet just to be beaten to it. Almost panicked and low and behold right before me a lift opened up. Felt like the gates of heaven. Angels singing and everything. Stepped in, pressed the ground floor doors started to close and i LET RIP, i tell you. . Such relief. Saw a hand just managed to stop the door from closing. Sheer horror. In stepped a nurse. She was so disgusted. My " oops. didnt think anyone else needed the lift" and a little smile and chuckle Did not change the disgusted look on her face. It was a very awkward ride down to the ground floor.

What was i thjinking? anyone who has ever been to the Royal infirmary knows you never get a lift to yourself for long anyway....

Hahahahahaha!! Why of all places would you choose a lift in a busy hospital as a safe place to fart?? lol lol

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MPH

MPH

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Hahahahahaha!! Why of all places would you choose a lift in a busy hospital as a safe place to fart?? lol lol

 

 

 

I got all confused! it was a desperate moment. If you see the carpet burns comment.... I don't always make the best decisions - i dont think things through properly sometimes! :D

Edited by MPH
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