What's the worst fart you have ever done

[surrifox]

Well this thread has a lot more traction than I thought - scatalogical but something that FT has warmly embraced 

[Jattdogg]

2 hours ago, Russell sprout said:

I was out doing delivery’s the other month when my next drop was out to market harborour,I was dropping off some building equipment so assumed I would ask the builder if I could use the shitter at the address I was delivering to,

but upon knocking on the door a women answered,

and i couldn’t  bring myself to take a shit at her house,

so upon getting back in the van,

my stomoch was churning big time,

im not familiar with the area  so thought I would google McDonald’s as the best place to let it out,

as im driving there I see a kfc,

so quickly drove in,

but there was a ****in chicken shortage so they was shut,

im close to touching cloth at this stage and when I pull in at McDonald’s,

i know as soon as I stand up I would shit myself,

so slowly and with bum cheeks clenched I slowly made my way to the toilet,

but there was only one cubicle and that was in use,

now my situation is desperate,

when i finally get in the toilet which reeks from the previous person,

half the shit is i my pants,half in the toilet,

so after cleaning myself up had to bin my boxers and go commando for the rest of the day,

now I always carry bog roll with me when I do deliveries 

 

Lol. An extra pair of pants, boxers and baby wipes might be good idea in a small bag.

[RonnieTodger]

Was watching boxing in the Soar Point about 5 years ago when some of the older aftershaves were on. 

 

I'd eaten a Maryland from Narborough Road on the walk up that didn't agree with me and I thought I'd get away with it because it was packed, so I farted all the way from the pool tables to the bar and one bloke next to me said "this place ****ing stinks of shit and Joop!" 

Edited 2 July 2018 by RonnieTodger

[Costock_Fox]

12 hours ago, RonnieTodger said:

Was watching boxing in the Soar Point about 5 years ago when some of the older aftershaves were on. 

 

I'd eaten a Maryland from Narborough Road on the walk up that didn't agree with me and I thought I'd get away with it because it was packed, so I farted all the way from the pool tables to the bar and one bloke next to me said "this place ****ing stinks of shit and Joop!" 

 

If I had to smell of one of them things it would be shit.

[simFox]

When I was at school, during assembly some kid farted loudly, as if the embarrassment of farting wasn't enough, he got pulled out of the line and made to sit at the front facing the wall. Being the shy quiet type, watching his ridicule take place, terrified me to the point that almost every assembly after that, I found myself holding one in. Farts know.

 

 

[Rob1742]

November 2016 Knowle High Street, a pub called The Red Lion. In there with a mate, standing at the bar and he let one go.

 

It lifted me off the ground, as he just stood there laughing. I would describe it as heavy and toxic, and it didn’t go down to well with the locals.

 

Tensions were rising as they clearly took offence by it, and it threatened to boil over as the locals were genuinely offended by a stranger farting in their pub.

 

Let’s focus on the offending fart for a while. It was atrocious, and most people walked away, trying to find clean air, with only those spoiling for a fight hanging around trying to goad the perpetrator. 

 

I knew it was a belter and one that would be talked about for a while, so I decided to measure it’s impact.

 

The pub was quite a size, and I walked around to see how far the fart stretched, and I concluded that this one fart covered 75% of the area of the pub.

 

You literally couldn’t get away from it, it felt that it stuck to your clothes, and even those sitting in little alcoves, well away from the incident were party to what happened.

 

When I had concluded my studies, I stood in the small area that wasn’t affected, and it must have been 20 minutes before I could re-enter the main part of the pub.

 

This really was a serious fart. Apart from the one I did in South Shields 20 years previously, this was the worst fart I have been lucky enough to witness in my lifetime.

 

If you are ever in Knowle, pop into The Red Lion, have a beer and a chat with the locals, I am sure some of them will clarify this story. 

[Col city fan]

On 30/06/2018 at 22:31, Jattdogg said:

Wife was queefing away again?

‘Queefing’

[Guest MattP]

My mate farted so bad in a pub the other week someone started on him.

Edited 15 July 2018 by MattP

[simFox]

If anyone was in costa at Birmingham airport a few minutes ago, sorry about that. Had to move myself, was lingering badly.

[The Fox Covert]

Walked out of the High Cross shopping centre once and there must have been something inside that turned it to max volume. Kept a straight face and kept on walking.

Four youngsters walking in the opposite direction started blaming eachother for the massive eruption which was mine. Had to keep a straight face until they were out of sight!!!

[z-layrex]

On 30/07/2018 at 04:44, simFox said:

If anyone was in costa at Birmingham airport a few minutes ago, sorry about that. Had to move myself, was lingering badly.

****ing people in airports and their farts. I guess it's because everyone is getting up really early and having their normal routine messed up.

 

I worked in a shop in Gatwick as a kid and people would just walk up to the counter, release their putrid, early morning, anxiety-fueled stench and then just wander off.

[foxile5]

I did one once that came out silent, burnt not only my ring but my thighs also and it entirely filled the air. 

 

I can't accurately describe the smell - unethereal. It stung my nostrils and filled my sinus cavity. It was really oniony and garlicky, but in a sort of hot and sour way. So ****ing overwhelming - it was almost tangible. 

 

I tolerated it, but it wasn't a pleasurable way. I imagine it is like having a child you dislike personally ; you love it but you don't like it. 

[Rob1742]

I once did a burp that was as bad as a fart. 

 

I’d had a kebab prior to a game v Palace away, then after the game I downed a full can of coke quickly before getting in the car.

 

It was one of those full blown coke burps. It rebounded against the windscreen and literally burnt my eyes. 

 

I was driving through Croydon, with my mate half hanging out the window gagging, with my eyes stinging and me trying to keep the car on the road. 

 

I will I’ll never forget it, I think it was about 1987. The year of the perfect burp. 

[Costock_Fox]

I would like to think whoever was standing around me at the match last night will be making an appearance in this thread. Shocking and vile.

[mhs123]

On the tube in London after a very rich meal and heavy night, it was that bad almost everyone was coughing there guts up,I distinctly remember two young ladies crying.

A very proud moment.

[Ian Nacho]

20 hours ago, Rob1742 said:

I once did a burp that was as bad as a fart. 

 

I’d had a kebab prior to a game v Palace away, then after the game I downed a full can of coke quickly before getting in the car.

 

It was one of those full blown coke burps. It rebounded against the windscreen and literally burnt my eyes. 

 

I was driving through Croydon, with my mate half hanging out the window gagging, with my eyes stinging and me trying to keep the car on the road. 

 

I will I’ll never forget it, I think it was about 1987. The year of the perfect burp. 

Would've acted as a an air freshener in that part of the world. 

[Md9]

In our old flat when my lad was about 6 months old I let one go and it must have been a bad one because my son was asleep in his pushchair she went over to him to smell him to see if he had done a pooh while sleeping ?

[Monk]

On 11/08/2018 at 21:57, Costock_Fox said:

I would like to think whoever was standing around me at the match last night will be making an appearance in this thread. Shocking and vile.

Probably those pesky Saudis ?

[Wortho]

A bloke I work with is a serial farter. He went in to a local boozer, and whilst there was a lull in people talking he let rip an enormous fart. He said it was the loudest he'd ever done. Everyone looked up and wondered what the hell it was. He said it was phenomenal.

[Costock_Fox]

7 minutes ago, Monk said:

Probably those pesky Saudis ?

Lol chemical warfare.

[Rob1742]

There is a new garment that is aimed at taking the fun out of farting. The product is called Shreddies, and they are basically pants with a carbon layer inserted between the cloth that neutralises the fart.

 

I have contacted them and told them the product is not required, as they are taking the fun out of farting. Their response though was that some people (some on here by the sounds of it) have medical problems which mean they end up farting all day and the actual farts are horrendous and so they are adamant there is a real need for these fart pants.

 

The thing that really interests me, is they say you can do an absolute humdinger and no smell will escape. It will neutralise the smell even if you do one that has the strength 200 times of an average fart.

 

God knows how they measured an average fart, but there you go.

 

Check them out, it’s very interesting. I would never wear them personally, it’s wrong and would ruin my day. However, good luck to them. I am interested to understand the type of person who would actually wear them.

 

NB - it’s a Leicestershire company, so the very best of luck to them

Edited 15 August 2018 by Rob1742

[Tielemans63]

Forgot that this rather brilliant thread existed so anyway, this happened to me about week before last (It's more of a shitting story than a farting story but who cares?).

 

I was in a Mexican restaurant in Durham having a few drinks and a meal with some my wife's old uni friends and their husbands. I'd been out in Leicester the night before and had a curry and wasn't feeling 100% as it was. Anyway, more beer, Mexican and yesterday's madras is a toxic combination for me and pretty much straight after the meal my stomach had gone and I needed to empty my guts and quickly.

 

Anyway, I excuse myself from our table and run to the toilets. I make it but it's an absolute tidal wave of brown. To the point when I'm worried there's literally nothing left to expel from my body.

 

Tired, emotionally and physically drained I'm finally ready to clean up the devastation....except there's no ****ing toilet paper.

 

I kid you not, I had to fight back the tears a bit. I was literally thinking this is the unluckiest anyone has ever been in history. I sat there for about 5 minutes wondering whether to text my missus, maybe ring the restaurant or what to do.

 

I realise this is all academic because my phone is on our table. There's one toilet for each gender so it's not like I could waddle to get some toilet paper from another cubicle. All there is, is the toilet and a bin.

 

Then suddenly I have a plan. A brilliant plan whereby no-one will ever know what's gone on. 

 

So I carefully take off my trainers and then my socks. I put my shoes to one side. It's not perfect but I use the socks to clean up my ravaged anus. It's absolutely disgusting but hey, no-one will notice if I'm not wearing socks.

 

I stand up and carefully place the shit-covered socks in the bin and bury them a bit below all the other crap in there. I put my trainers back on. Nailed it. However it ****ing stinks - better open the window that's right above the toilet.

 

It's at that very moment I notice that there's 3 ****ing toilet rolls on the window sill

 

 

 

[isaidno]

On a tram in Nice. I'd been struggling with a dodgy tummy all day, even had to stop for an emergency splash and dash at the services on the way to the airport. Anyway, we got on board a tram on the way to our apartment and I thought I'd let off a silent one. It absolutely stunk, to the point that a French guy got on the Tram , started gagging, and got off again. 

[UniFox21]

Sat in Sports Direct with my family, I was nursing a hangover and let a silent one go and walk away. Minute or so later my Dads watering at the eyes and coughing and rest of the staff and everyone around us has walked as far away from the area as possible all coughing and complaining. My dad's shot me with this look "I swear to god if that's you" as I walked off triumphantly

[lee7]

I was trying to hold in a fart about 3 years ago on an escalator in the bull ring eventually I had to let it out as it was hurting to hold it in. Fortunately for me it was silent too. Not so fortunately for everyone else was the fact it absolutely stunk like shit. I turned around and soon enough everyone on the escalator had shirts covering their nose