Depression

[Izzy]

The key for me over the years is letting go of the need to be in control of everything. I've learnt that nothing is really under control, and the only option is to dance with the uncertainty of life.

 

All had been going swimmingly for me recently and then BAM! - unexpectedly back into hospital last week. Completely out of the blue, unplanned for, and a bit of a shock.

 

I lay there in my hospital bed with a drip in my arm waiting for yet another operation thinking "What's it all about?", "What have I done to deserve this?", "Why me?" etc. etc. 

 

I could feel the black dog licking his lips and I thought, fvck this, I ain't disappearing down that rabbit hole of doom again. I had a wander around the ward and saw a young lad of 24 with a newly formed stoma, an NG tube down his nose, and clearly in a lot of pain - that was me 18 years ago. I had a good chat with him as he'd hit rock bottom and I think he really appreciated it. I asked him what he thought the reason was that he'd got ill and he said "just bloody bad luck".

 

I reckon we all have our fair share of bad luck in life weather it's health, relationships, money, career, whatever. I guess the challenge for us all is how we bounce back when the temptation is to feel like a victim and 'done to'. 

 

I really CBA to be depressed anymore. Life is too short and life is for living. There's always something to be grateful for and there's always someone worse off. 

 

P.S. I had a few moments last week where I broke down and the nurses were incredible in dealing with me. I truly believe our human instinct is to want to help others and that's when we're at our best. When we help others, we're not focused on our own shit.

 

[Phil Bowman]

17 minutes ago, Izzy said:

The key for me over the years is letting go of the need to be in control

This is such a very good point.

 

17 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I could feel the black dog licking his lips

He’s a bugger. Always bloody there waiting to sit on you and squash you given half a chance.

 

19 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I really CBA to be depressed anymore

Hopefully you’ve turned a corner and it’ll stay turned!

 

(btw I’m absolutely certain you didn’t mean it to suggest this, but I’m just pointing out that nobody should be blamed for not being able (or ready yet) to decide this for their own depression!)

[TAFKA Castroneves]

17 minutes ago, Izzy said:

The key for me over the years is letting go of the need to be in control of everything. I've learnt that nothing is really under control, and the only option is to dance with the uncertainty of life.

 

All had been going swimmingly for me recently and then BAM! - unexpectedly back into hospital last week. Completely out of the blue, unplanned for, and a bit of a shock.

 

I lay there in my hospital bed with a drip in my arm waiting for yet another operation thinking "What's it all about?", "What have I done to deserve this?", "Why me?" etc. etc. 

 

I could feel the black dog licking his lips and I thought, fvck this, I ain't disappearing down that rabbit hole of doom again. I had a wander around the ward and saw a young lad of 24 with a newly formed stoma, an NG tube down his nose, and clearly in a lot of pain - that was me 18 years ago. I had a good chat with him as he'd hit rock bottom and I think he really appreciated it. I asked him what he thought the reason was that he'd got ill and he said "just bloody bad luck".

 

I reckon we all have our fair share of bad luck in life weather it's health, relationships, money, career, whatever. I guess the challenge for us all is how we bounce back when the temptation is to feel like a victim and 'done to'. 

 

I really CBA to be depressed anymore. Life is too short and life is for living. There's always something to be grateful for and there's always someone worse off. 

 

P.S. I had a few moments last week where I broke down and the nurses were incredible in dealing with me. I truly believe our human instinct is to want to help others and that's when we're at our best. When we help others, we're not focused on our own shit.

 

 

Man what a post 🙇‍♂️ I’ve really come to

appreciate this idea that our life journey is linked to our growth and how we find a way to grow and build - against all the odds, against the cards we’ve been dealt to play. Having seen you post for years here and always being such a top man inspite of your experiences that could cloud you - thank you 🙇‍♂️ you’ve been there for me and so,

so many others before despite what you’ve been facing, that’s the most human thing anyone can do when feeling so vulnerable and having life kick lumps out of you. A kindred spirit no doubt, my life has got so much better since I’ve owned everything and just done what I can day to day for myself and others, it might sound a tad morbid (which I don’t intend it to honestly) but day by day all I can do is do what I can for others while ensuring I’m giving myself the best care I possibly can. 

 

The internet is highlighed by the worst qualities as they stand out more for shock value, what isn’t seen or spoken loudly is those who are here for the right reasons, I’ve got louder because of people like you my friend 💙 thank you

[Izzy]

11 minutes ago, Phil Bowman said:

 

(btw I’m absolutely certain you didn’t mean it to suggest this, but I’m just pointing out that nobody should be blamed for not being able (or ready yet) to decide this for their own depression!)

Totally. I'll never sit in judgement of anyone who's suffering from depression or blame them for how they feel.

 

It's taken me years to deal with it (if only I knew then what I know now etc.) 

 

My point is I'm tired of 'battling' depression. I'm tired of overthinking, I'm tired of catastrophizing, and I'm tired of making things up bad. I'm tired of feeling 'done to' and I'm tired of trying to work it all out. I'm tired of my own excuses and I'm tired of wishing I was someone else.

 

I'm tired of feeling tired so I've adopted a 'fvck it' attitude to life - it'll be what it'll be. I've surrendered to life's rich pattern and I've handed my life over to the universe to decide.

 

Call it what you want but I haven't got the energy to live in the past or worry about the future anymore. All I'm dealing with each day by day is what's right in front of me - and that helps me to stay present and connected to those around me.

[ajthefox]

Two really well written posts @Izzy. I've absolutely no doubt that that young lad will have been very grateful for the conversation you had with him.

 

Hope you're feeling better this week mate.

 

[Espimas_7]

Hi all - not new here by any means but posting under a different username given the topic/wanting to avoid any personal details etc.

 

I'm having a total sh1tter of a week to put it lightly - me and the Mrs had planned a week long break somewhere, leaving Monday morning. This was to be the first proper time we've had away on a holiday since Covid, and as of the days leading upto it, we were both excited, had booked meals and some plans etc. My wife has suffered with depression for years, and perhaps has some kind of emotional disorder, meaning she very quickly can feel low, worthless, emotional, not appreciated/heard etc. We've been together over 13 years, and like many couples have some things to work through, but she only told me the other week that she thoughts things were good and we were closer than we had been in a long time.

 

Skip to Sunday night we have a bit of a fallout (but not an argument by any means - she'd come back from dropping our dog off with a friend and wasn't happy with me not having taken the bins out etc etc.). I grumbled back about how she was talking to me. I wake up Monday morning, in a good mood, and as I'm packing she calls me downstairs and tells me she's going to stay with her mum for a week or two for her to think about things and her head to clear. This has happened a couple of previous times in the relationship - it's like everything piles up all of a sudden and she has to get away. I personally suffer from anxiety, so I'm hit like a tonne of bricks, try and talk her down/around to no avail. I have a week off work, stuck without the car, trying to keep things level, but going through severe anxiety and 'what if'... moments. Often she is unable to separate our relationship from how she feels about her own individual mental health and image. 

 

We've messaged very sporadically in whatsapp (I've been trying to give her the space she asked for, she 's told me she's really struggling, feeling dreadful and has been pretty much sleeping since she got there with her mum looking after her), we were due to have a chat today but she wasn't up to it. I know how severe her depression is, and frankly have been worried about her doing something drastic, as to me (without wanting to marginalise any concerns she might have about the relationship) this seems like a depressive episode of sorts.

 

I'm scared, hurting and luckily have my anti anxiety tablets to get me through (along with diazepam if needed). I don't have many people I can really talk to this about, so would really appreciate any thoughts/opinions of any kind from any fellow Foxes.

 

I'm in a few minds:

 

1. Give her time and space and see what happens tomorrow.

2. Message her mum on Whatsapp (who I don't have an especially close relationship with, although not unfriendly) and carefully express my concerns. Not sure what 'the ask' is though here. Feels risky and if my wife were to find out would not help things.

3. Go nuclear and get the train down there and see her (probably not a good idea)

[Izzy]

20 minutes ago, Espimas_7 said:

Hi all - not new here by any means but posting under a different username given the topic/wanting to avoid any personal details etc.

 

I'm having a total sh1tter of a week to put it lightly - me and the Mrs had planned a week long break somewhere, leaving Monday morning. This was to be the first proper time we've had away on a holiday since Covid, and as of the days leading upto it, we were both excited, had booked meals and some plans etc. My wife has suffered with depression for years, and perhaps has some kind of emotional disorder, meaning she very quickly can feel low, worthless, emotional, not appreciated/heard etc. We've been together over 13 years, and like many couples have some things to work through, but she only told me the other week that she thoughts things were good and we were closer than we had been in a long time.

 

Skip to Sunday night we have a bit of a fallout (but not an argument by any means - she'd come back from dropping our dog off with a friend and wasn't happy with me not having taken the bins out etc etc.). I grumbled back about how she was talking to me. I wake up Monday morning, in a good mood, and as I'm packing she calls me downstairs and tells me she's going to stay with her mum for a week or two for her to think about things and her head to clear. This has happened a couple of previous times in the relationship - it's like everything piles up all of a sudden and she has to get away. I personally suffer from anxiety, so I'm hit like a tonne of bricks, try and talk her down/around to no avail. I have a week off work, stuck without the car, trying to keep things level, but going through severe anxiety and 'what if'... moments. Often she is unable to separate our relationship from how she feels about her own individual mental health and image. 

 

We've messaged very sporadically in whatsapp (I've been trying to give her the space she asked for, she 's told me she's really struggling, feeling dreadful and has been pretty much sleeping since she got there with her mum looking after her), we were due to have a chat today but she wasn't up to it. I know how severe her depression is, and frankly have been worried about her doing something drastic, as to me (without wanting to marginalise any concerns she might have about the relationship) this seems like a depressive episode of sorts.

 

I'm scared, hurting and luckily have my anti anxiety tablets to get me through (along with diazepam if needed). I don't have many people I can really talk to this about, so would really appreciate any thoughts/opinions of any kind from any fellow Foxes.

 

I'm in a few minds:

 

1. Give her time and space and see what happens tomorrow.

2. Message her mum on Whatsapp (who I don't have an especially close relationship with, although not unfriendly) and carefully express my concerns. Not sure what 'the ask' is though here. Feels risky and if my wife were to find out would not help things.

3. Go nuclear and get the train down there and see her (probably not a good idea)

Hi mate.

 

First of all, you sound like an incredibly supportive and understanding husband and I'm sure your wife recognizes and appreciates it. From her point of view, I can totally understand the need to get away from life for a week and clear her head. I'm sure that's not a reflection on you or your relationship, but just her way of coping (I've fvcked off a few times over the years and stayed in a hotel for a few nights just to get away from the wife and kids, but it's not their fault)

 

I'm sure it's tough for you this week but if she's with her Mum then I'd like to think your wife is safe and not 'at risk' of doing anything drastic. I'm certainly not going to offer you any advice here but reading your three options, it sounds like your airing towards option 1 (which is what I'd do FWIW)

 

Once she's back home and in a better frame of mind I'm sure you'll both sit down and talk it through (I've always done this either on a walk or somewhere outside the house which seems to work better). I don't know if your wife is on meds or has therapy but it sounds like she's got some underlying issues that need professionally addressing. I'm sure when she's calm and rational that she'll apologize for letting you down on the weeks break, feel bad about it, and make it up to you.

 

I feel for you mate but if you value your marriage and it's worth fighting for, you'll work it through together.

 

In sickness and in health and all that....

 

Stay strong. 

 

 

 

[Espimas_7]

58 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Hi mate.

 

First of all, you sound like an incredibly supportive and understanding husband and I'm sure your wife recognizes and appreciates it. From her point of view, I can totally understand the need to get away from life for a week and clear her head. I'm sure that's not a reflection on you or your relationship, but just her way of coping (I've fvcked off a few times over the years and stayed in a hotel for a few nights just to get away from the wife and kids, but it's not their fault)

 

I'm sure it's tough for you this week but if she's with her Mum then I'd like to think your wife is safe and not 'at risk' of doing anything drastic. I'm certainly not going to offer you any advice here but reading your three options, it sounds like your airing towards option 1 (which is what I'd do FWIW)

 

Once she's back home and in a better frame of mind I'm sure you'll both sit down and talk it through (I've always done this either on a walk or somewhere outside the house which seems to work better). I don't know if your wife is on meds or has therapy but it sounds like she's got some underlying issues that need professionally addressing. I'm sure when she's calm and rational that she'll apologize for letting you down on the weeks break, feel bad about it, and make it up to you.

 

I feel for you mate but if you value your marriage and it's worth fighting for, you'll work it through together.

 

In sickness and in health and all that....

 

Stay strong. 

 

 

 

Thank you so much mate. Your words are spot on and have helped my evening pass a little easier. I like the idea of talking things through outside of the house/on a walk. One day at a time and all that. 

[Buce]

21 hours ago, Espimas_7 said:

Hi all - not new here by any means but posting under a different username given the topic/wanting to avoid any personal details etc.

 

I'm having a total sh1tter of a week to put it lightly - me and the Mrs had planned a week long break somewhere, leaving Monday morning. This was to be the first proper time we've had away on a holiday since Covid, and as of the days leading upto it, we were both excited, had booked meals and some plans etc. My wife has suffered with depression for years, and perhaps has some kind of emotional disorder, meaning she very quickly can feel low, worthless, emotional, not appreciated/heard etc. We've been together over 13 years, and like many couples have some things to work through, but she only told me the other week that she thoughts things were good and we were closer than we had been in a long time.

 

Skip to Sunday night we have a bit of a fallout (but not an argument by any means - she'd come back from dropping our dog off with a friend and wasn't happy with me not having taken the bins out etc etc.). I grumbled back about how she was talking to me. I wake up Monday morning, in a good mood, and as I'm packing she calls me downstairs and tells me she's going to stay with her mum for a week or two for her to think about things and her head to clear. This has happened a couple of previous times in the relationship - it's like everything piles up all of a sudden and she has to get away. I personally suffer from anxiety, so I'm hit like a tonne of bricks, try and talk her down/around to no avail. I have a week off work, stuck without the car, trying to keep things level, but going through severe anxiety and 'what if'... moments. Often she is unable to separate our relationship from how she feels about her own individual mental health and image. 

 

We've messaged very sporadically in whatsapp (I've been trying to give her the space she asked for, she 's told me she's really struggling, feeling dreadful and has been pretty much sleeping since she got there with her mum looking after her), we were due to have a chat today but she wasn't up to it. I know how severe her depression is, and frankly have been worried about her doing something drastic, as to me (without wanting to marginalise any concerns she might have about the relationship) this seems like a depressive episode of sorts.

 

I'm scared, hurting and luckily have my anti anxiety tablets to get me through (along with diazepam if needed). I don't have many people I can really talk to this about, so would really appreciate any thoughts/opinions of any kind from any fellow Foxes.

 

I'm in a few minds:

 

1. Give her time and space and see what happens tomorrow.

2. Message her mum on Whatsapp (who I don't have an especially close relationship with, although not unfriendly) and carefully express my concerns. Not sure what 'the ask' is though here. Feels risky and if my wife were to find out would not help things.

3. Go nuclear and get the train down there and see her (probably not a good idea)

 

I think what's interesting about this post is that it highlights something we possibly haven't addressed as much as we should, ie the effect that mental health issues have on those around us.

 

For what it's worth, I don't see anything sinister in your wife needing space; getting out of one's environment for a while can be the best option sometimes, and is probably not as rare as you might be thinking. When life starts to be a bit overwhelming, it's my go-to response; I'll take-off hiking or canoe camping for a few days, not just to get some relief from life's 'noise' but the freedom to not have to try and put a smile on my face for other people. It also gives my family a break from treading on eggshells.

 

Absolutely give her time and space, she'll be thankful for it, and it can only strengthen your relationship.

 

Good luck and keep posting if it helps.

Edited 28 October 2021 by Buce

[Finnegan]

16 hours ago, Espimas_7 said:

Hi all - not new here by any means but posting under a different username given the topic/wanting to avoid any personal details etc.

 

I'm having a total sh1tter of a week to put it lightly - me and the Mrs had planned a week long break somewhere, leaving Monday morning. This was to be the first proper time we've had away on a holiday since Covid, and as of the days leading upto it, we were both excited, had booked meals and some plans etc. My wife has suffered with depression for years, and perhaps has some kind of emotional disorder, meaning she very quickly can feel low, worthless, emotional, not appreciated/heard etc. We've been together over 13 years, and like many couples have some things to work through, but she only told me the other week that she thoughts things were good and we were closer than we had been in a long time.

 

Skip to Sunday night we have a bit of a fallout (but not an argument by any means - she'd come back from dropping our dog off with a friend and wasn't happy with me not having taken the bins out etc etc.). I grumbled back about how she was talking to me. I wake up Monday morning, in a good mood, and as I'm packing she calls me downstairs and tells me she's going to stay with her mum for a week or two for her to think about things and her head to clear. This has happened a couple of previous times in the relationship - it's like everything piles up all of a sudden and she has to get away. I personally suffer from anxiety, so I'm hit like a tonne of bricks, try and talk her down/around to no avail. I have a week off work, stuck without the car, trying to keep things level, but going through severe anxiety and 'what if'... moments. Often she is unable to separate our relationship from how she feels about her own individual mental health and image. 

 

We've messaged very sporadically in whatsapp (I've been trying to give her the space she asked for, she 's told me she's really struggling, feeling dreadful and has been pretty much sleeping since she got there with her mum looking after her), we were due to have a chat today but she wasn't up to it. I know how severe her depression is, and frankly have been worried about her doing something drastic, as to me (without wanting to marginalise any concerns she might have about the relationship) this seems like a depressive episode of sorts.

 

I'm scared, hurting and luckily have my anti anxiety tablets to get me through (along with diazepam if needed). I don't have many people I can really talk to this about, so would really appreciate any thoughts/opinions of any kind from any fellow Foxes.

 

I'm in a few minds:

 

1. Give her time and space and see what happens tomorrow.

2. Message her mum on Whatsapp (who I don't have an especially close relationship with, although not unfriendly) and carefully express my concerns. Not sure what 'the ask' is though here. Feels risky and if my wife were to find out would not help things.

3. Go nuclear and get the train down there and see her (probably not a good idea)

 

Firstly, I think you know this really but absolutely don't do option 3. You are right, it's not a good idea. That's an impulse born of your anxiety. It's completely and totally understandable but it's probably self defeating. 

 

Anxious people (and sadly I can say this from experience) have to be extremely careful in this sort of situation. What you're describing from your wife is fairly classic avoidant behavior, pulling away to create distance when there's some pain or insecurity. I don't mean avoidant in the sense of your wife currently avoiding something (you) here but avoidant in the more broad sense of attachment styles. Anxious people and avoidant people can make for a horrible combination if not checked because all of your instincts will be to reach out, cling on, close the gap and fix the problem urgently. 

 

This then triggers their instincts to pull further away, so you try harder to get closer, they try harder to pull away, you see the problem? 

 

It's way more easily said than done but one of you will need to conjure the security to break that cycle. If you have the means to do so, taking a spell right now to get some control of your panic and work on yourself while she's processing whatever she's processing will be a much better way of helping your relationship than rushing off to crowd her, even if all your instincts are screaming the opposite. 

 

Have you ever spoken to a professional together? Is it something you think she'd consider? Or would you for that matter? 

 

If you're in Leicester I can recommend someone if you want to inbox me. 

[Espimas_7]

1 hour ago, Buce said:

 

I think what's interesting about this post is that it highlights something we possibly haven't addressed as much as we should, ie the effect that mental health issues affect those around us.

 

For what it's worth, I don't see anything sinister in your wife needing space; getting out of one's environment for a while can be the best option sometimes, and is probably not as rare as you might be thinking. When life starts to be a bit overwhelming, it's my go-to response; I'll take-off hiking or canoe camping for a few days, not just to get some relief from life's 'noise' but the freedom to not have to try and put a smile on my face for other people. It also gives my family a break from treading on eggshells.

 

Absolutely give her time and space, she'll be thankful for it, and it can only strengthen your relationship.

 

Good luck and keep posting if it helps.

Thank you mate.

[Espimas_7]

1 hour ago, Finnegan said:

 

Firstly, I think you know this really but absolutely don't do option 3. You are right, it's not a good idea. That's an impulse born of your anxiety. It's completely and totally understandable but it's probably self defeating. 

 

Anxious people (and sadly I can say this from experience) have to be extremely careful in this sort of situation. What you're describing from your wife is fairly classic avoidant behavior, pulling away to create distance when there's some pain or insecurity. I don't mean avoidant in the sense of your wife currently avoiding something (you) here but avoidant in the more broad sense of attachment styles. Anxious people and avoidant people can make for a horrible combination if not checked because all of your instincts will be to reach out, cling on, close the gap and fix the problem urgently. 

 

This then triggers their instincts to pull further away, so you try harder to get closer, they try harder to pull away, you see the problem? 

 

It's way more easily said than done but one of you will need to conjure the security to break that cycle. If you have the means to do so, taking a spell right now to get some control of your panic and work on yourself while she's processing whatever she's processing will be a much better way of helping your relationship than rushing off to crowd her, even if all your instincts are screaming the opposite. 

 

Have you ever spoken to a professional together? Is it something you think she'd consider? Or would you for that matter? 

 

If you're in Leicester I can recommend someone if you want to inbox me. 

Cheers so much - at times like this it really shows what a close knit and supportive group our supporters are.

 

Definitely not doing option 2 or 3. At the moment I'm just sending a whatsapp once to her in a while to ask how she is (but really trying to limit this, and I'm not chasing etc.).

 

We've never done relationship counselling/therapy, but I think it's something we should seriously consider, and that I'd be up for it. I think part of the issue is that with how unpredictable her depression can be, she understandably can't work and is limited in what she can do and when. And I think that at times, maybe something hits her like "what am I doing", or "am I happy" etc. I don't know - all conjecture. I try and be there for her as much as I can, but between my work, and needing my own space sometimes for anxiety, I can see how she might feel alone when she has so much spare time on her hands. This is all stuff I believe we can work through.

 

The attachment styles thing is really interesting. In our normal mode of life, she is definitely Anxious Pre-occupied, and I'm definitely Fearful Avoidant. Will PM you re the therapist  - thank you 

[Finnegan]

33 minutes ago, Espimas_7 said:

Cheers so much - at times like this it really shows what a close knit and supportive group our supporters are.

 

Definitely not doing option 2 or 3. At the moment I'm just sending a whatsapp once to her in a while to ask how she is (but really trying to limit this, and I'm not chasing etc.).

 

We've never done relationship counselling/therapy, but I think it's something we should seriously consider, and that I'd be up for it. I think part of the issue is that with how unpredictable her depression can be, she understandably can't work and is limited in what she can do and when. And I think that at times, maybe something hits her like "what am I doing", or "am I happy" etc. I don't know - all conjecture. I try and be there for her as much as I can, but between my work, and needing my own space sometimes for anxiety, I can see how she might feel alone when she has so much spare time on her hands. This is all stuff I believe we can work through.

 

The attachment styles thing is really interesting. In our normal mode of life, she is definitely Anxious Pre-occupied, and I'm definitely Fearful Avoidant. Will PM you re the therapist  - thank you 

 

I think an unhelpful preconception of couples therapy is that it's where you go when your relationship has, essentially, already failed. We see it on TV or in the movies, someone's had an affair, someone spends all their time at work, someone's fallen out of love, the spark has gone from the marriage, etc. 

 

But really it's a lot more than that. As personal therapy is about you developing the skills to have a better life, so is couples therapy about you learning and understanding the skills to help you have a better relationship. 

 

I think this is particularly important in relationships where mental health is clearly an issue. Those of us with mental illnesses bring extra obstacles in to a relationship that need to be navigated and it's unreasonable to expect people to just know how to do that without help. 

 

Even the healthiest of couples could benefit from speaking to a therapist sometimes, maybe you only go for a few sessions, that's fine. It doesn't have to be about "fixing" or "saving" a marriage, you can see it as going on a training course to learn a few things that make navigating parts of your relationship easier. 

 

When I first started having problems with attachment, my own personal therapist recommended Attached by Levine and Teller. I can't speak for everyone but I know that, personally, understanding my behaviour and breaking it down in to a more scientific, mechanical sense helps me process it so I thrived on learning more with stuff like this. 

 

A book my partner enjoyed and helped her get more understanding about how we communicate was The 5 Love Languages by Chapman. 

 

Edited 28 October 2021 by Finnegan

[VLC86]

.

Edited 3 November 2021 by Costock_Fox

[Buce]

1 hour ago, Costock_Fox said:

.

 

Are you ok, Costock?

[Izzy]

1 hour ago, Costock_Fox said:

.

Talk to us dude. I thought you'd just been to Vilamoura and life was good?

[VLC86]

12 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

Are you ok, Costock?

 

7 minutes ago, Izzy said:

Talk to us dude. I thought you'd just been to Vilamoura and life was good?

Just being a dick, ignore me.

[foxfanazer]

Feel like I'm only alive because I don't wanna ruin my kids lives. Which in itself is enough to stop me from doing anything stupid but I feel next no joy in any aspect of my life. I've seeked professional help but I feel like I'm just existing rather than living 

[Buce]

 

I hope I die before I get old.

[Crinklyfox]

On 03/11/2021 at 20:54, foxfanazer said:

Feel like I'm only alive because I don't wanna ruin my kids lives. Which in itself is enough to stop me from doing anything stupid but I feel next no joy in any aspect of my life. I've seeked professional help but I feel like I'm just existing rather than living 

Sorry I haven't responded before I've been away from this thread for a while.  I understand what you're saying, one of the things that kept me going through my darkest times was that I couldn't stand the thought of my children thinking that Daddy didn't want to look after them any more if I took the easy way out.  All I can say is that for what seemed like a long time things would never get better but they did and it was worth hanging on in there.

 

I've no idea if any of your personal circumstances have contributed to you feeling this way but speaking only for myself I found that I could handle the pain if either my home life or work life was OK as one gave relief from the other, but when both were bad there seemed no escape and things just got worse.  I've had to review my life and pinpoint what was the main cause of my depression, and then take steps to address it (mostly but not 100% in my case work).

 

Well done for seeking professional help, in my limited experience some professionals are more able to help than others.  The fact that you've done it shows that you care, that you want to be well which is a positive in itself.

[Crinklyfox]

45 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I hope I die before I get old.

Having got there I'm glad I didn't die before I got old.  There was a time in my life when I hated my own existence but that was temporary.  There have been good times that made it worth going through the bad times.  These days I'm old but definitely don't want to die.

[foxfanazer]

22 hours ago, Crinklyfox said:

Sorry I haven't responded before I've been away from this thread for a while.  I understand what you're saying, one of the things that kept me going through my darkest times was that I couldn't stand the thought of my children thinking that Daddy didn't want to look after them any more if I took the easy way out.  All I can say is that for what seemed like a long time things would never get better but they did and it was worth hanging on in there.

 

I've no idea if any of your personal circumstances have contributed to you feeling this way but speaking only for myself I found that I could handle the pain if either my home life or work life was OK as one gave relief from the other, but when both were bad there seemed no escape and things just got worse.  I've had to review my life and pinpoint what was the main cause of my depression, and then take steps to address it (mostly but not 100% in my case work).

 

Well done for seeking professional help, in my limited experience some professionals are more able to help than others.  The fact that you've done it shows that you care, that you want to be well which is a positive in itself.

Thank you for the kind words and the great advice. You're spot on about if one of home or work life is OK then it balances things.

 

Slowly building myself back up again but everything just feels so temporary 

[HighPeakFox]

1 hour ago, foxfanazer said:

Thank you for the kind words and the great advice. You're spot on about if one of home or work life is OK then it balances things.

 

Slowly building myself back up again but everything just feels so temporary 

I'm sorry I said nothing. I had words but wasn't sure they'd have been useful. 

 

I was going to advise against using too much social media, but that might mean maybe not writing here. My recent experience is that limiting my time on FT has helped me draw a boundary better, and to be able to recognise better what is my issue and what is someone else's. 

 

I don't know if that is helpful, and I don't want to slag what is largely an excellent forum. 

[Espimas_7]

On 27/10/2021 at 18:35, Espimas_7 said:

Hi all - not new here by any means but posting under a different username given the topic/wanting to avoid any personal details etc.

 

I'm having a total sh1tter of a week to put it lightly - me and the Mrs had planned a week long break somewhere, leaving Monday morning. This was to be the first proper time we've had away on a holiday since Covid, and as of the days leading upto it, we were both excited, had booked meals and some plans etc. My wife has suffered with depression for years, and perhaps has some kind of emotional disorder, meaning she very quickly can feel low, worthless, emotional, not appreciated/heard etc. We've been together over 13 years, and like many couples have some things to work through, but she only told me the other week that she thoughts things were good and we were closer than we had been in a long time.

 

Skip to Sunday night we have a bit of a fallout (but not an argument by any means - she'd come back from dropping our dog off with a friend and wasn't happy with me not having taken the bins out etc etc.). I grumbled back about how she was talking to me. I wake up Monday morning, in a good mood, and as I'm packing she calls me downstairs and tells me she's going to stay with her mum for a week or two for her to think about things and her head to clear. This has happened a couple of previous times in the relationship - it's like everything piles up all of a sudden and she has to get away. I personally suffer from anxiety, so I'm hit like a tonne of bricks, try and talk her down/around to no avail. I have a week off work, stuck without the car, trying to keep things level, but going through severe anxiety and 'what if'... moments. Often she is unable to separate our relationship from how she feels about her own individual mental health and image. 

 

We've messaged very sporadically in whatsapp (I've been trying to give her the space she asked for, she 's told me she's really struggling, feeling dreadful and has been pretty much sleeping since she got there with her mum looking after her), we were due to have a chat today but she wasn't up to it. I know how severe her depression is, and frankly have been worried about her doing something drastic, as to me (without wanting to marginalise any concerns she might have about the relationship) this seems like a depressive episode of sorts.

 

I'm scared, hurting and luckily have my anti anxiety tablets to get me through (along with diazepam if needed). I don't have many people I can really talk to this about, so would really appreciate any thoughts/opinions of any kind from any fellow Foxes.

 

I'm in a few minds:

 

1. Give her time and space and see what happens tomorrow.

2. Message her mum on Whatsapp (who I don't have an especially close relationship with, although not unfriendly) and carefully express my concerns. Not sure what 'the ask' is though here. Feels risky and if my wife were to find out would not help things.

3. Go nuclear and get the train down there and see her (probably not a good idea)

Hi all, I thought I'd drop an update here on my last post. It's helpful typing/writing things out.

 

For the last 2 weeks, we've messaged very sporadically in whatsapp. Communication has been nigh on impossible. 

She had asked me what I thought about marriage counselling, which got my hopes up, and she had started communicating with me more about just day to day stuff via whatsapp. I sent her a long email with my positive, constructive thoughts and how we can improve things, including taking counselling. She read it a few days ago, said she was taking time to think -I didnt get a reply until today - worryingly she had disconnected again the last day or two.

yesterday I get an email from her confirming that she's been unhappy for a long time, and doesnt think counselling would help, and that I need to understand and respect her decision, she doesn't want to be married any more, and for the time being she will live with her dad. An example of her thinking is that "nothing ever improves", but personally I can step back and see where we have continued to grow, but it's this all or nothing thinking that can be such a struggle for us. But I also have to respect how she sees things.

For clarity, we don't have kids (thankfully in this case).

In the last few weeks I've developed my own routine, have been coping ok, and really strangely today, while I feel emotional, I also feel excited and hopeful.

I were to allow my thoughts to go down a certain route, I feel devastatingly sad that we won't grow old together, and I've lost someone so close to me, with so many memories (we've known each other since 16), but the last few years and our individual struggles with mental health have meant we have grown apart in many ways, she is unable to connect intimately. We have both felt lonely. I feel relief that I don't have to fight this huge ongoing 'battle' to try and maintain a relationship with someone who can't self reflect or communicate, excited for the freedom in front of me (I don't mean re relationships, I just mean the ability to shape my own life without these pressures). I have to also be honest and say that in my opinion the way she has gone about the last few weeks has been a bit brutal (she has barely asked how I am, we haven't spoken verbally once,  and had become incredibly cold), and this had already led me to some conclusions and thinking of my options. I have replied amicably to the email yesterday and will make sure to keep things friendly and calm.

I'm sorry if this is a long ramble. I'm slightly scared of being lonely, and scared of the emotions that are yet to hit me. Any advice, similar situations and outcomes or thoughts in general would be really appreciated. thank you again

Edited 7 November 2021 by Espimas_7

[stripeyfox]

7 minutes ago, Espimas_7 said:

Hi all, I thought I'd drop an update here on my last post. It's helpful typing/writing things out.

 

For the last 2 weeks, we've messaged very sporadically in whatsapp. Communication has been nigh on impossible. 

She had asked me what I thought about marriage counselling, which got my hopes up, and she had started communicating with me more about just day to day stuff via whatsapp. I sent her a long email with my positive, constructive thoughts and how we can improve things, including taking counselling. She read it a few days ago, said she was taking time to think -I didnt get a reply until today - worryingly she had disconnected again the last day or two.

yesterday I get an email from her confirming that she's been unhappy for a long time, and doesnt think counselling would help, and that I need to understand and respect her decision, she doesn't want to be married any more, and for the time being she will live with her dad. An example of her thinking is that "nothing ever improves", but personally I can step back and see where we have continued to grow, but it's this all or nothing thinking that can be such a struggle for us. But I also have to respect how she sees things.

For clarity, we don't have kids (thankfully in this case).

In the last few weeks I've developed my own routine, have been coping ok, and really strangely today, while I feel emotional, I also feel excited and hopeful.

I were to allow my thoughts to go down a certain route, I feel devastatingly sad that we won't grow old together, and I've lost someone so close to me, with so many memories (we've known each other since 16), but the last few years and our individual struggles with mental health have meant we have grown apart in many ways, she is unable to connect intimately. We have both felt lonely. I feel relief that I don't have to fight this huge ongoing 'battle' to try and maintain a relationship with someone who can't self reflect or communicate, excited for the freedom in front of me (I don't mean re relationships, I just mean the ability to shape my own life without these pressures). I have to also be honest and say that in my opinion the way she has gone about the last few weeks has been a bit brutal (she has barely asked how I am, we haven't spoken verbally once,  and had become incredibly cold), and this had already led me to some conclusions and thinking of my options. I have replied amicably to the email yesterday and will make sure to keep things friendly and calm.

I'm sorry if this is a long ramble. I'm slightly scared of being lonely, and scared of the emotions that are yet to hit me. Any advice, similar situations and outcomes or thoughts in general would be really appreciated. thank you again

Good to post mate. I can't comment on your marriage - only you know how it really is, but I few things you said hit home with me.

 

I was married for 17 years until last year. We had our good times and bad like everyone but then one day pretty much out of the blue she told me she didn't want to be married anymore. Although it was a shock, I realised almost immediately that she'd made her mind up and it was no use trying to change it.

 

We seperated - what is different about my situation to yours (based on what you've said) is that she immediatley became involved in a relationship with someone else. In the last 16 months we have sold the house, they have moved in together and last week got engaged! Which is a lot to process, and I can't tell you how much it hurts but if I look at it totally objectivally - seperating was the correct decision. We weren't really happy, we were just existing and I would have carried on like that for the next god knows how many years. So much as I didn't want this to happen, part of me actually admires her for having the balls to stand up and say "this isn't working".

 

The other person just muddies the waters for me. Her new partner is the focus of my bitterness but really, if you told me you could wave a magic wand and send me back a couple of years, I would 100% say "no way".

 

I don't know if this helps in any way, but just wanted you to know I've read what you put and wanted to respond to it.

 

It may well be that you both end up being happier in the long run. You mention lonliness and I'll admit that there are plenty of times when I do miss being married but it can be just as lonely being in a relationship which has run it's course - which is exactly what does happen in many cases.