Depression

[Carl the Llama]

2 minutes ago, Strokes said:

Yeah you’re probably right, just surreal hearing stories of a successful, funny, loving man but nobody knew of the suffering.

Makes me question what I’m seeing with my eyes now. Why do we hide it?

Lots of possible reasons.  I'd imagine the impact of toxic masculinity, the idea that experiencing these difficulties is weakness and we should 'man up' is a big common factor for male sufferers.  But it will also depend on an individual's personal situation:  Perhaps they already have a person or people they confide in and don't want to keep talking about it with everybody.  Perhaps they've reached out previously to people who are unreceptive and this discourages them from seeking help elsewhere.  Perhaps they tried tackling the issue in the past and having it resurge feels like a 'failure' which they don't want to talk about.  It's very subjective and not necessarily, if ever, rational.

[tom27111]

33 minutes ago, Strokes said:

So been to the funeral today, such a strange day. Celebrating the life of someone we knew but did we really know him? I’m not so sure.

RIP buddy.

 

Oh mate 💔

 

Devastating. I hope you and others who loved him are OK.

 

There's still a huge stigma, it's a guy thing.

 

Whilst going through my own personal hell, there were very few mates I could speak to.

 

This place, in anonymity, dragged me through it by the scruff of my neck.

 

Asking for help is the hardest thing you can do.

[Izzy]

55 minutes ago, Raj said:

A high proportion of comedians have depression in the past.

Therefore relating to normal life, that person who is always chatting, smiling, the fun of the party, MIGHT actually not be so happy within

[tom27111]

29 minutes ago, Izzy said:

@Izzy As always, you're an absolute gem and your contribution on here is fvcking priceless.

 

You've experienced things first hand and I for one will be eternally grateful to you.

 

I WILL buy you a pint before a game we're both at one day. And I'd gladly do that every week forever.

 

Even though hanging round with the ginger guy would ruin my street cred 

[Rain King]

Couple of months of feeling relatively OK have come crashing down tonight for no discernible reason.

 

Really can't be arsed to wake up and carry on tomorrow. I've tried, I've talked but it never gets better, not for long anyway.

 

I know I will get up and carry on for the sake of other people but I wish it could just end.

[tom27111]

14 minutes ago, Rain King said:

Couple of months of feeling relatively OK have come crashing down tonight for no discernible reason.

 

Really can't be arsed to wake up and carry on tomorrow. I've tried, I've talked but it never gets better, not for long anyway.

 

I know I will get up and carry on for the sake of other people but I wish it could just end.

 

Pm me.

 

Seriously, I know it's easy to say, but do it.

 

Look back 4 or 5 years on this very thread.

 

There's living proof. You might not feel like it, but give it time x

[Buzzell]

29 minutes ago, Rain King said:

Couple of months of feeling relatively OK have come crashing down tonight for no discernible reason.

 

Really can't be arsed to wake up and carry on tomorrow. I've tried, I've talked but it never gets better, not for long anyway.

 

I know I will get up and carry on for the sake of other people but I wish it could just end.

Aye, speak out my friend and get help please. We’re all here for you if this place is your way of opening up. Please stay safe man x

[ajthefox]

5 hours ago, Strokes said:

So been to the funeral today, such a strange day. Celebrating the life of someone we knew but did we really know him? I’m not so sure.

RIP buddy.

4 hours ago, Strokes said:

Yeah you’re probably right, just surreal hearing stories of a successful, funny, loving man but nobody knew of the suffering.

Makes me question what I’m seeing with my eyes now. Why do we hide it?

I can only really speak from my own experience but I don't think most people intentionally hide it, so much as they don't express it. Point being there is a difference between something consuming you and taking advantage of your passivity, and actively hiding something from others.

 

I don't think I've ever intentionally hidden anything, so much as the thing I struggle with most is talking about how I feel when I feel it. And that is where the problem starts, because if you don't express it when you feel it, it only ever gets worse. I know better but I scare myself sometimes with how habitually I repress certain things.

 

I can't imagine what it is like to be in your position @Strokesbut please don't beat yourself up about it. Easy for me to say sitting here, but some of us are incredibly good at pretending. 

 

It's absolutely tragic that us gents under the age of 45 (could be 40, not 100%) are more likely to die by our own hands than anything else. 

[ajthefox]

2 hours ago, Rain King said:

Couple of months of feeling relatively OK have come crashing down tonight for no discernible reason.

 

Really can't be arsed to wake up and carry on tomorrow. I've tried, I've talked but it never gets better, not for long anyway.

 

I know I will get up and carry on for the sake of other people but I wish it could just end.

Tomorrow is always a new day, and you never know what might happen.

All that really matters is what is in front of us. I find that just focusing on what's right in front of me can help. Deal with the next minute. And then the next 5 minutes. And then the next hour. It can help get through whatever it is I'm going through in more manageable chunks and avoids trying to overcome the bigger and more daunting things that may well send me downwards into a negative head space.

 

You're still here and you're talking mate, that is what matters right now.

 

Keep going, and give us a shout when you need to. I might not know you, but I know that you are stronger than you think you are. 

[urban.spaceman]

4 hours ago, Izzy said:

His death truly broke me. I was a big fan, and was extremely low at that time myself and had just suffered one bereavement with another family member in terminal decline. I was in bits for days afterwards. Horrible, horrible time. 

[Leicester_Loyal]

3 hours ago, Rain King said:

Couple of months of feeling relatively OK have come crashing down tonight for no discernible reason.

 

Really can't be arsed to wake up and carry on tomorrow. I've tried, I've talked but it never gets better, not for long anyway.

 

I know I will get up and carry on for the sake of other people but I wish it could just end.

Many of us (including me) are only ever a PM away. Hopefully you'll wake up tomorrow and feel much better.

 

All the best to you and please seek help if you feel that you need it.

[HighPeakFox]

This is slightly off topic, but related, and possibly helpful. 

 

I've had long standing feelings for someone, and have edged towards telling them properly. There was some risk involved, but I took the plunge and just the relief of finding the right words and having them treated with care and respect has been very good for my mental health. Perhaps there's a parallel here for talking as honestly as possible about depression too. 

 

My very best wishes go to whoever reads this. 

[drumbeat]

Picking up on the point above, who you speak to is important. Not everyone knows how to respond (obviously not everyone is trained as a counselor) Some people shut down when approached with subjects difficult for them, or may themselves have recently experienced issues (and you risk 'triggering' them)

 

Talking is hugely important and helpful, and having the right ear equally so. There's nothing worse than having rallied the troops and rustled up the courage to speak only for the conversation to be shut down before it starts. It just throws you back further and makes you feel shittier.

 

My wife for example, and I obviously love her dearly, is a crap listener. She tries and obviously cares (and that's the bit that counts here) but she can't but help to try and tell me what to do, to answer me, to solve my problems for me, rather than simply listen and empathise, to encourage me to talk and explore my own feelings.  I have to take that into account when I talk with her.  I can't blame for being who she is and responding as she does, that would just build a wall.

 

So if and when you do talk to someone (i.e. a non-professional, for the first time) be prepared for the off chance that it may not to go as you'd hope. But don't let it set you back, just know and accept that not everyone has those listening skills. Don't hold it against them, listening IS a skill and, like all skills, not everyone has it.

 

It's not my intention to discourage anyone from talking, quite the opposite, personal experience has shown me the benefit of talking, I'm simply flagging up something to be aware of.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited 24 September 2021 by drumbeat

[Crinklyfox]

2 hours ago, pmcla26 said:

I feel like everything I can't control goes wrong, and everything that I can control I fail at.

 

I just want to be a better person but don't know where to start. So many bad habits re drinking, smoking, going out etc. that I want to change but don't think I'm mentally strong enough to say no. I say I want to change, but I do enjoy all of these things too, but the mistakes I make and regrets far outweigh the enjoyment of things. 

 

I've got unresolved hurt that I haven't come to terms with and hide away and try to resolve by getting pissed and stoned. I then take shit out by doing stupid things, hurting the people that love/care about me most. I feel so guilty and bad all of the time and I've let my best friend down big time recently and don't know if they'll forgive me as it's not really just a mistake. I'm a mess and miss the old person I used to be. 

 

Just feel like I'm on an endless quest for being content. Not even happy, just content, but I hinder myself from being able to by not breaking the cycle I'm in. I've tried to get help before but don't find anything useful as it's all just very much "stop everything and take these tablets" and I can't do it. Has anyone got any advice on how to start making things happen in a positive sense, positive thinking or good habits (like exercise for example, I play football twice a week and that helps)? 

 

I feel like I'm not a bad person but I just lack guidance and make bad decisions, but the longer I carry on the way I am I feel closer and closer to the former. Everything is just so far from how it used to be. 

I've been reading this thread for years and know that there are many better placed than me to advise you.  The big positive I take from your post is that you want things to change and seem willing to make whatever moves are necessary to get there.

 

I've never been in your situation but have been dissatisfied with my life, feeling that I've let people down.  And when that happened I tended to concentrate on negative thoughts, ignoring what positives there were in my life, which brought me down.  Apart from medications I found that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped me put my thoughts into some perspective.  I couldn't change my past, some of which I regret, but I could try to do things that gave me a more positive view of myself.

 

One of the activities that gave me great satisfaction was spending some of my free time as a Trustee for a charity.  It didn't cost me much financially but apart from the benefit to the charity it made me feel good about doing something positive to help others who were not able to help themselves.  And before you say that you wouldn't be any good to a charity, you don't know that - many of them are struggling and would appreciate any help they could get.  Please don't discount the idea.

 

This may sound trite but there was a road that took you from the person you liked to where you are now, and there's a road that will take you away from your present situation.  I hope you find it.

[HighPeakFox]

5 hours ago, pmcla26 said:

I feel like everything I can't control goes wrong, and everything that I can control I fail at.

 

I just want to be a better person but don't know where to start. So many bad habits re drinking, smoking, going out etc. that I want to change but don't think I'm mentally strong enough to say no. I say I want to change, but I do enjoy all of these things too, but the mistakes I make and regrets far outweigh the enjoyment of things. 

 

I've got unresolved hurt that I haven't come to terms with and hide away and try to resolve by getting pissed and stoned. I then take shit out by doing stupid things, hurting the people that love/care about me most. I feel so guilty and bad all of the time and I've let my best friend down big time recently and don't know if they'll forgive me as it's not really just a mistake. I'm a mess and miss the old person I used to be. 

 

Just feel like I'm on an endless quest for being content. Not even happy, just content, but I hinder myself from being able to by not breaking the cycle I'm in. I've tried to get help before but don't find anything useful as it's all just very much "stop everything and take these tablets" and I can't do it. Has anyone got any advice on how to start making things happen in a positive sense, positive thinking or good habits (like exercise for example, I play football twice a week and that helps)? 

 

I feel like I'm not a bad person but I just lack guidance and make bad decisions, but the longer I carry on the way I am I feel closer and closer to the former. Everything is just so far from how it used to be. 

Things can change, like anything worth doing it takes time and persistence. 

 

I don't know you, but I do know you're worth it fella. 

[Phil Bowman]

18 hours ago, pmcla26 said:

Has anyone got any advice on how to start making things happen in a positive sense, positive thinking or good habits (like exercise for example, I play football twice a week and that helps)?

All the following is very much with the warning that I am NOT an expert or a professional in this stuff…

 

When you play football I bet for at least some (if not all) of the time you’re not thinking about all the crap but just about the football? ‘Mindfulness’ is something they talk about a lot as part of the way out of the darkness. It sounds like a right load of hippy nonsense but as I understand it it’s basically just living in the moment, focusing on what you’re doing and not dwelling on the negative crap.

As for other positive things to do? Something as simple as going for a walk every day, even for ten minutes, can have a brilliant effect for some people. If you can get to a park or the countryside then even better.

Something as stupid-sounding as doing some tidying up, even if you just clear a shelf or something.

If the football helps, maybe there are other sports?

Basically it doesn’t matter what the activity is! If it has a positive effect on you, then it’s a good thing. Do more of it!

And yeah, try to cut back on the drinking, smoking and going out, but don’t beat yourself up about them when they happen. Focus more on adding positive stuff to your life. You may find that the self-destructive stuff becomes less important to you automatically. And if it doesn’t, well, with luck you’ll be a bit fitter and happier and in a better state of mind to try to address it later!

[urban.spaceman]

Starting walking Hadrian’s Wall today. Wish me luck!

[phoneticerror]

3 hours ago, Phil Bowman said:

When you play football I bet for at least some (if not all) of the time you’re not thinking about all the crap but just about the football?

I think you’re in the money here. I’ve been in some very dark places in the pandemic, and footy has helped no end. That and playing Fortnite with my kid have been some very good distractions 😂😂😂

Edited 25 September 2021 by phoneticerror

[Adrian]

Any type of physical activity fights depression but  if it's too repetitive I find excuses to not do it ...so my routine goes like this i do a few stretches..then clean  something that's been annoying me...bit of gardening ..then some press ups...bit more cleaning  etc etc until I get on my bike and ride to the off licence and ruin my good work......darn you alcohol

[Buce]

1 hour ago, urban.spaceman said:

Starting walking Hadrian’s Wall today. Wish me luck!

 

That's great, Spacey.

 

Keep us informed of your progress if you can find the time.

[urban.spaceman]

9 hours ago, Buce said:

 

That's great, Spacey.

 

Keep us informed of your progress if you can find the time.

Thanks Buce. The group I'm with are all much fitter and faster than me so I've committed to doing what I can, which won't be the whole thing but will be parts of it, which I'm very comfortable with as today I've walked much more than I normally do and burned about 7500 calories which is massive for me. Taking it easy this week though and enjoying some good company and even gooder whiskey

[orangecity23]

On 24/09/2021 at 12:35, pmcla26 said:

I feel like everything I can't control goes wrong, and everything that I can control I fail at.

 

I just want to be a better person but don't know where to start. So many bad habits re drinking, smoking, going out etc. that I want to change but don't think I'm mentally strong enough to say no. I say I want to change, but I do enjoy all of these things too, but the mistakes I make and regrets far outweigh the enjoyment of things. 

 

I've got unresolved hurt that I haven't come to terms with and hide away and try to resolve by getting pissed and stoned. I then take shit out by doing stupid things, hurting the people that love/care about me most. I feel so guilty and bad all of the time and I've let my best friend down big time recently and don't know if they'll forgive me as it's not really just a mistake. I'm a mess and miss the old person I used to be. 

 

Just feel like I'm on an endless quest for being content. Not even happy, just content, but I hinder myself from being able to by not breaking the cycle I'm in. I've tried to get help before but don't find anything useful as it's all just very much "stop everything and take these tablets" and I can't do it. Has anyone got any advice on how to start making things happen in a positive sense, positive thinking or good habits (like exercise for example, I play football twice a week and that helps)? 

 

I feel like I'm not a bad person but I just lack guidance and make bad decisions, but the longer I carry on the way I am I feel closer and closer to the former. Everything is just so far from how it used to be. 

I'm not sure I've ever suffered from full on depression, but I used to suffer badly with low self esteem. It held me back in many ways, and made me miserable so often. That was a few years back, and now, several years on, I've learnt a lot of stuff, and I can honestly say that I actually like myself as a person. I know I have flaws - everybody does, and if we were truly perfect, then how could we connect with other people with their flaws and problems? The thing I wish I could go back and tell myself back then, is the advice I'll give to you now - you need to start to forgive yourself. Nobody else judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves, and we need to be aware that worrying about the negative is a natural trait, but it doesn't reflect how things actually are.

 

You've made mistakes, but everybody does, and mistakes don't even have to be a bad thing if we learn something useful from making them. You need to give yourself more credit when you get things right, and give yourself a break when things go wrong. Even when we do everything right, sometimes things don't work out through no fault of our own. And sometimes we mess things up and they all turn out ok anyway. If you want to cut back on things like drinking, it is difficult to get started, because any large task in life feels overwhelming if we contemplete the entirity of it. The first step is to break it down into smaller managable steps - a few dry days a week, or just a night out where you try and take things a bit easier and still have a good time. Make small steps, and when you complete them, tell yourself you've done well. And if you have a bit of setback, don't overthink it - progress isn't always linear, and if you are drinking less on average, then you are still moving in the right direction.

 

Anyway, hope this is useful, I am nowhere near an expert on these things (or anything I suppose!) but try to show yourself a bit of compassion mate - you seem to have plenty for other people, you need some for you, too.

[Big Dave]

For info:-

The Crisis Cafe has opened at the Symington Building in Market Harborough - 
Every Wednesday 12 noon - 8pm no appointment needed. It’s provided by Turning Point and the Leicestershire Partnership NHS Trust and is for anyone who feels they would benefit from some mental health.

 

Sorry, don’t know too much more myself as taken from a friends Facebook page, but may be useful to some on here.

[urban.spaceman]

Finished Hadrian’s Wall. To be clear I didn’t walk the whole thing, mainly the start and end, with a bit in between. Probably about 40km overall, reverting to the support vehicle or babysitting my niece. Got a massive blister to show for it. Proud of what I did and hope to walk it in the future when my fitness is better. 
 

Also, one of the (genuinely) hundreds of job applications and enquiries I’ve sent over the years has finally got back to me, and I have a job interview next week! 

Edited 1 October 2021 by urban.spaceman

[FoxyPV]

On 23/09/2021 at 22:22, Rain King said:

Couple of months of feeling relatively OK have come crashing down tonight for no discernible reason.

 

Really can't be arsed to wake up and carry on tomorrow. I've tried, I've talked but it never gets better, not for long anyway.

 

I know I will get up and carry on for the sake of other people but I wish it could just end.

People would rather listen to you now than talk at your funeral. Please chat to anyone, PM to vent if you need to, as I can guarantee it will get better.

 

Have you tried CBT? I found it really helpful during one of my more serious depressions for helping expel those intrusive thoughts and desires.