The joke thread

[EnderbyFox]

"I'd have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families."

His comments maybe weren't that politically correct, but when you ask John Terry about the African Cup of Nations in January, what sort of response do you expect to get?

[rico]

Our thoughts and prayers go out to all Blackburn Rovers fans after Steve Kean was found alive and well this morning!

[Fox1651]

6 Reasons why Men prefer Guns to Women

1) You can trade an old 45 for a 22

2) You can admire a friends gun and he will let you try it

3) Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo

4) Guns function normally everyday

5) Your gun doesnt mind if you go to sleep after you use it

6) You can buy a fookin silencer for a gun

[Wherethefoxhat?]

The vicar is in the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when he can't help noticing the attractive girl sitting at the front with her legs open .No matter how hard he tries ,as he preaches on,he can't help a having a quick glance at this girl with her legs ajar .After the service the curate congratulates the vicar on his sermon and the vicar thanks him and says

"Was that Fanny Green sitting on the front pew this morning ?" The curate replies "I don't think so vicar....it was the way the light was shining through the stain glass window !"

[Tielemans63]

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because it was my first wank in two weeks.

[fatmando]

Christmas in the Winehouse family home will be different this year.

There'll still be a tree, but a lot less needles on the floor.

A kid knocks on Kenny Dalglish`s door and starts to sing "Away in a Manger".

Kenny replies "f**k Off, I've already wasted enough money on Carrols"

[StanSP]

I've just seen the 2012 Man Utd calendar. Its quite sexually explicit, theres a cunt on every page.

[Webbo]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,

In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had justloaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favouritecow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are youhurt?'

'Now what would you have said'?

[GLC]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,

In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had justloaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favouritecow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are youhurt?'

'Now what would you have said'?

[lcfcadam]

I take it you didn't get it?

[The Doctor]

- love it.

Little red riding hood is walking through the forest to visit her grandma when a rabbit stops her and says "Little Red, watch out, the wolf is wandering round in this forest", She ignores the rabbit and carries on deeper into the forest.

After a short while of walking she sees the wolf in the bushes and cries out: "Mr Wolf, Mr Wolf, I see you", the wolf grumbles and heads deeper into the forest. Red continues on her way and comes across the wolf hiding behind a tree and once more shouts, "Mr Wolf, Mr Wolf, I see you", the wolf scowls at her and moves deeper into the forest. Once more she continues on her way and later comes across the wolf crouched behind a boulder and yells "Mr Wolf, Mr Wolf, I see you".

The wolf turns around and says "What are you doing?", and she replies "I'm walking through the forest to go see my grandma.".

"Then go and do it," the wolf replies, "And leave me to have a crap in peace!"

[Northants Fox 3]

I found a Lion and a Witch in my wardrobe, I said "what are you doing in there?" They replied "it's Narnia business."

I decided to buy a guard dog to protect my house. It's useless and just lets anybody in. Turns out it's a UK Border Collie.

(Found these in the Daily Star Star today)

[Finnegan]

Edited 7 December 2011 by Finnegan

[Tielemans63]

A tip for any Manchester United fans wanting to make a nice pasta sauce, most herbs are nice but you cant beat basel.

[21st Century Fox]

My girlfriend asked me if we can have something more 'Christmasy' on the television.

So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions.

[Webbo]

My wife is going to have a fit when she see's all the Christmas lights I've put up.

She's epileptic

If its a random breath test, then why do the Police always pick on the driver??

Edited 9 December 2011 by Webbo

[MrCrowley]

Just got the tree & decorations down from the loft & found a present i forgot to give the kids last year.

Pretty gutted really because i know they would have loved a kitten

[The Doctor]

Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a policeman one day whilst driving. The policeman says "Excuse me, do you know how fast you were going?"

"No." Heisenberg replies. "But I know exactly where I was."

=========================================================

Erwin Schroedinger also gets pulled over by a policeman who asks if he can look inside the boot of his car. Inside he finds a box, and opens it. He asks "Sir, did you know there was a dead cat in the boot of your car?"

Schroedinger says "Well, I do now."

=========================================================

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of energy. The bartender hands it over and says 'that'll be 80p

(read it out loud)

===================================================

Last night a friend convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I'm easily Lead.

==========================================

The higgs boson particle walks into a catholic church, and the priest says, "you're not allowed in here, you call yourself the God particle, thats blasphemous!!!", the higgs boson particle replies,

"if you don't allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?"

==========================================================

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing - you can't cross a vector with a scalar.

===================================================

What happened to the statistician when he got thrown into prison?

He had zero degrees of freedom.

===================================================

why could the dog escape from prison? because animal cells don't have walls

===================================================

Did you hear about the criminal gang of Deuterium, Iodine, Seaborgium, Radium & Cerium?

They're a DISgRaCe

I'm such a geek.

Edited 13 December 2011 by LargeAl

[Nick]

This letter was sent to theKirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize, and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Isa.

Edited 13 December 2011 by Nick

[jonthefox]

Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a policeman one day whilst driving. The policeman says "Excuse me, do you know how fast you were going?"

"No." Heisenberg replies. "But I know exactly where I was."

=========================================================

Erwin Schroedinger also gets pulled over by a policeman who asks if he can look inside the boot of his car. Inside he finds a box, and opens it. He asks "Sir, did you know there was a dead cat in the boot of your car?"

Schroedinger says "Well, I do now."

=========================================================

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of energy. The bartender hands it over and says 'that'll be 80p

(read it out loud)

===================================================

Last night a friend convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

I'm easily Lead.

==========================================

The higgs boson particle walks into a catholic church, and the priest says, "your not allowed in here, you call yourself the God particle, thats blasphemous!!!", the higgs boson particle replies,

"if you don't allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?"

==========================================================

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing - you can't cross a vector with a scalar.

===================================================

What happened to the statistician when he got thrown into prison?

He had zero degrees of freedom.

===================================================

why could the dog escape from prison? because animal cells don't have walls

===================================================

Did you hear about the criminal gang of Deuterium, Iodine, Seaborgium, Radium & Cerium?

They're a DISgRaCe

I'm such a geek.

I must be such a thick cnut, because i didnt get one of them.

[marbelladave]

For Large Al.

Firstly with the festive season approaching, all mathematicians should remember not to drink and d'rive.

At the Maths dept Christmas party everyone was supposed to go as a mathematical function.

The new lecturer decided to go as e^x, he did not yet really know anyone so he was standing on his own. A colleague finally came up to him and asked him why he was not integrating.

He replied, "I've tried that but it makes no difference".

Edited 13 December 2011 by marbelladave

[Tielemans63]

One day Little Johnny asks his granddad, "Granddad, what's a '****'?"

His granddad looks at him for a few seconds then gets up and fetches one of his old porn magazines. He flips it open and shows Little Johnny a picture of a naked woman posing and says "You see those stars, Johnny?"

"Yes?" replied Johnny,

"Well, the person that put them there is a ****."    

[The Doctor]

I must be such a thick cnut, because i didnt get one of them.

Not really, I'm just an Ueber nerd.

the first one is a play on Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, which states that it is impossible to know the exact velocity and position of an object.

The second - Schrödinger's theoretical cat to demonstrate wave-particle duality, until the box is opened the cat is in a superposition of both states (alive and dead), upon opening the wave function is collapsed and the cat take one state - in this case dead.

Three, if you say 80p out loud, particularly with a terrible speaking voice like mine, it sounds like ATP, which is the energy currency of a biological cell.

four, Lead is a soft, malleable metal with the atomic number of 82.

five, The higgs boson is a theoretical sub atomic particle which is believed to give all objects mass and is referred to as the god particle. If there are no Higgs Boson's then there is no mass - which is also a catholic church ceremony.

In mathematics a scalar is a dimensionless quantity which is determined solely by it's magnitude, while a vector is a quantity with both magnitude and direction - as such it is impossible for the two to cross on a graph. A mountain climber scales peaks and so is a scaler (scalar) while mosquitoes are sometimes referred to as insect vectors - hence mosquito = vector, mountain climber = scalar - impossible for the two to cross.

In statistics, people measure degrees of freedom, which is the number of values at the end of a calculation that are free to vary. If someone is in prison they have no freedom - combine the two so in a statistical prison there are no degrees of freedom, or a statistician in prison has no degrees of freedom.

The key difference in structure between animal cells and plant cells (biologically) is that plant cells have a cell wall, vacuole and chloroplasts, the animal cell doesn't have this - so an animal cell has no walls - transfer that to prison cells and if a cell has no wall, it can easily be escaped from

The final one is all about chemical symbols - Deuterium is a hydrogen isotope with a Neutron in it's nucleus - much rarer than the other isotope 1-protium, but used in NMR, and has a chemical symbol of D to distinguish it from 1-protium which uses H. Iodine has the chemical symbol I, Seaborgium is Sg, Radium is Ra and Cerium is Ce. So the chemical symbols of Deuterium, Iodine, Seaborgium, Radium and Cerium spell out DISgRaCe or disgrace.

and Marbella Dave - heard that one several times, some great intergrational jokes out there.

Now then - incredibly nerdy pick up lines:

If I was an enzyme I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Hey 1/cos C, want a drink?

I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

You've got to be Sin²x + Cos²x 'cause you are the 1.

If I were an endoplasmic reticulum would you want me rough or smooth?

Nice dress, it would look even better accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 ms^-2

And nerdy insults:

Yo mamma's so fat her dress size is event horizon.

You're so ugly not even fluorine will bond with you.

edit: I really shouldn't be allowed in this thread anymore.

Edited 13 December 2011 by LargeAl

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A Red Indian introduced me to his wife "this is 3 horses" he said

"Wow, thats a beautiful name, what does it mean?" i replied

"nag, nag, nag" he replied

[marbelladave]

It's ms², as I'm sure you know.

Love nerdy type jokes, especially one liners. Sadly these days I have no one to swap them with.

Talking of insults, whilst on holiday earlier this year there was a group of very overweight americans in our hotel. My wife refered to them throughout the holiday as VFS, it took me a few days to work it out, 'Visible From Space'!