The joke thread

[separator]

The Fire Brigade phones up Arsene Wenger in the early hours of sunday morning...

 

"Mr Wenger sir, the Emirates is on fire!"

 

"The cups man!, save the cups!" replies Arsene

 

"Don't worry Mr Wenger, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet"

[ChrisFilter]

The Fire Brigade phones up Arsene Wenger in the early hours of sunday morning...

"Mr Wenger sir, the Emirates is on fire!"

"The cups man!, save the cups!" replies Arsene

"Don't worry Mr Wenger, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet"

That'd be good if they hadn't won the FA Cup two years in a row.

[Webbo]

That'd be good if they hadn't won the FA Cup two years in a row.

This is the joke thread, not the factually correct statement thread.

[Alf Bentley]

This is the joke thread, not the factually correct statement thread.

 

 

That is a factually correct statement, Webbo.

 

Just joking.... 

[Great Boos Up]

Did You know that Riyad Mahrez started dribbling when he was only two months old.

[Great Boos Up]

Mother's day is exactly 9 months after father's day.

[Buce]

Mother's day is exactly 9 months after father's day.

Hehe.

I get the joke, GBU, but it actually is (June-March)

[Great Boos Up]

Hehe.

I get the joke, GBU, but it actually is (June-March)

Webbo !!!

[Buce]

Webbo !!!

Sorry, mate, I couldn't resist it.

[Buce]

Wife: "Darling, do I please you in bed?"

Husband: "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth"

Wife: "What trick?"

Husband: "The one where you shut the fvck up and go to sleep.."

[Izzy]

90 year old husband and wife in bed. Wife says to the husband "It's your lucky day, I'm going to give you super sex!" The husband pauses a second and replies "I think I'll have the soup please..."

[Rincewind]

Two nuns in a bath. One says 'Where's the soap.' The other says 'Yes it does.'

[separator]

I've finally come to accept the fact I'm dyslexic and that I'll always be dyslexic.

 

A leotard can't change its spots.

[Buce]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are going through an acrimonious divorce.

The judge listened to what Mickey had to say, then replied: "I'm sorry, Mickey, but your wife's mental instability isn't a valid reason for me to grant a decree nisi".

"I didn't say she is mentally unstable, Your Honour", said Mickey, "I said she is fvcking Goofy.."

[Buce]

I booked into a hotel the other day. I said to the receptionist, "I assume the porn is disabled?".

"No", she replied, "it's just regular porn, you sick fvck.."

[separator]

A bloke just offered me £40k a year to work for him at the brittle bones society.

I snapped his hand off.

[Buce]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked.

‘Actually, yes, I do.’

‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked.

‘No. I rather like it.’

‘Well, then,’ the doctor continued, ‘there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.’

The woman was mystified.

‘What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’

‘Of course,’ the doctor replied, ‘Where do you think politicians come from?'

[Buce]

Midwife says to Paddy, "your wife's just had triplets!"

"I'm not surprised," says Paddy. "My Manhood is as big as a chimney."

The Midwife replies, "Well you better get the fvcker swept then, because they're all black"

Edited 17 March 2016 by Buce

[The Bear]

Midwife says to Paddy, "your wife's just had triplets!"

"I'm not surprised," says Paddy. "My Manhood is as big as a chimney."

The Midwife replies, "Well you better get the fvcker swept then, because they're all black"

[Renart]

I am terrified of elevators.

 

 

 

I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

[Alf Bentley]

I am terrified of elevators.

 

 

 

I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

 

 

 

This phobia must really bring your mood down.

 

I can understand why you need a lift.

[Buce]

This phobia must really bring your mood down.

I can understand why you need a lift.

I don't think I'll ladder lot to this comment.

Oops, I just did.

[kingcarr21]

I don't think I'll ladder lot to this comment.

Oops, I just did.

That is awful.

 

Wrong on so many levels

[Buce]

That is awful.

Wrong on so many levels

Storey of my life..

[kingcarr21]

Storey of my life..

Sounds like you could do with a lift