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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

Paddy and Murphy at the airport check-in going on their holidays.

"I wish I'd brought my TV with me" says Paddy

"Why's that?" asks Murphy

"Because my fvckin tickets and passport are on top of it"

  • Like 2
ajthefox

ajthefox

Posted
Posted

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

A feminist says the glass is being raped.

 

Not sure if I'm missing something or that's just horribly unfunny.

  • Like 2
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Izzy

Izzy

Posted
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Posted

Can't believe I've been caught masturbating in my local newsagents. It's all over the papers...

  • Like 5
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fazzyfox

fazzyfox

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Last August a Villa fan and City fan are talking about their hopes for their club in the forthcoming season:-

Villa fan - I think we'll get 35 points and be relegated on the final day of the season.

City fan - We'll win the league, have the player of the year and the runner up, Vardy will break the consecutive goalscoring record and star for England and there will be worldwide interest in us.

Villa fan - Stop being ridiculously over ambitious

City fan - Well you started it!

Edited by fazzyfox
  • Like 9
Great Boos Up

Great Boos Up

Posted
Posted

Sh*t  happens:

 

TAOISM: Sh*t happens
ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of sh*t happening?
PROTESTANTISM: Let sh*t happen to someone else
ATHEISTS: Sh*t happens for no apparent reason
HARE KRISHNA: Sh*t happens/ Sh*t happens/ Happens, happens/ Sh*t happens
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says: "Sh*t happens"
HINDUISM: This sh*t happened before
CATHOLICISM: If sh*t happens you deserve it
AGNOSTICS: Facts happen
EVANGELISTS: Send me £8 million or sh*t will happen to you
BUDDHISM: If sh*t happens, it isn't really sh*t
ISLAM: If sh*t happens it is the will of Allah
JUDAISM: Why does sh*t always happen to us?
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS: Only good sh*t happens
JEHOVA'S WITTNESSES: Let us in and we will tell you why sh*t happens

  • Like 1
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fazzyfox

fazzyfox

Posted
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Posted

The North London printing shop who were producing boxes of anti Wenger leaflets was burnt down last night.

Police suspect it was Arsene.

  • Like 13
  • 2 weeks later...
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

Was your head skimmed or were you left with a red top?

 

You're just milking it now  :D

Guest Col city fan

Guest Col city fan

Posted
Posted

You're just milking it now :D

The 'cream' of British Comedy...

MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted

These milk jokes have been going on too long, they're getting cheesey.

 

 

If a mod could condense all these milk jokes into one post, then that would be great...

  • Like 2
Len Finsbury

Len Finsbury

Posted
Posted

I told my friend I could build a car from spaghetti.

 

She couldn't believe it when I drove pasta.

 

I knew a guy that made a car out of oak. Oak engine, oak gearbox, oak wheels, everything.

 

It wooden go.

Jimothy

Jimothy

Posted
Posted

I knew a guy that made a car out of oak. Oak engine, oak gearbox, oak wheels, everything.

It wooden go.

I made a car out of Welsh cheese.

I had to drive it Caerphilly.

  • Like 4

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