The joke thread

[willie-bell-in-rothley]

1 hour ago, Aus Fox said:

Might have been slightly funny 3 years ago...

Did you read the heading Joke thead not Fact thread, lighten up mate

[Tielemans63]

There's a well-known assassin who drinks in a backstreet pub.

 

A guy comes up to him his one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges £10,000 a bullet?"

 

"Yep."

 

"What if you miss?"

 

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

 

"Okay, well I've got £20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at a hotel together right now."

 

"Let's go," the assassin says.

 

So they drive to a shop across the road from the hotel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. 

 

"They're in room 21" the man says. "I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

 

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

 

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

 

"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you £10K".

[jonthefox]

I hate autocorrect.

 

I’ve just text my mate to see if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river.

 

I meant to say canal. 

[Tinman]

[StanSP]

 

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I made my wife go to a fancy dress party last night as an exhaust pipe.

She was fuming.

[Bob Weasel Fox]

When I was a child I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.

Although, I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

[UpTheLeagueFox]

WHEN IT'S BOXING DAY...

 

364 days to Christmas and some people have their decorations up already... 

[StanSP]

On 25/12/2019 at 01:27, UpTheLeagueFox said:

WHEN IT'S BOXING DAY...

 

364 days to Christmas and some people have their decorations up already... 

365 actually as next year is a leap year  

[Beliall]

55 minutes ago, StanSP said:

365 actually as next year is a leap year  

awesome! i only get to sleep with the mrs on the 29th of feb

[Alf Bentley]

Thus, according to my maths and allowing for seasonal variations in shagging, impregnation and childbirth, approximately 1 in every 1461 people is born on 29th February.

 

Yes, I know that's not a joke. It's just interesting information, alright?

 

 

[Tinman]

So many people are too judgemental these days. I can tell just by looking at them ...

[BoyJones]

On 27 December 2019 at 12:29, Alf Bentley said:

Thus, according to my maths and allowing for seasonal variations in shagging, impregnation and childbirth, approximately 1 in every 1461 people is born on 29th February.

 

Yes, I know that's not a joke. It's just interesting information, alright?

 

 

But can they write The William Tell Overture? 

[ozleicester]

On 27/12/2019 at 20:09, Beliall said:

awesome! i only get to sleep with the mrs on the 29th of feb

coz i keep her busy the other 365 

 

[Beliall]

5 hours ago, ozleicester said:

coz i keep her busy the other 365 

 

and i appreciate it, happy wife, happy life and all that

 

[MPH]

 

 

Just saw my brother get jumped by 4 guys! Ran as fast as i could to go help...it didn’t take us long to get him down.

[E.Rose]

 

 

[Saxondale]

On 27/12/2019 at 12:09, Beliall said:

awesome! i only get to sleep with the mrs on the 29th of feb

Show off.

[Parafox]

On 27/12/2019 at 12:09, Beliall said:

awesome! i only get to sleep with the mrs on the 29th of feb

Must be the end of the winter period.

[Mike Oxlong]

FFS I have just accidentally swallowed one of my cats worming tablets. Don’t ask meow

Edited 2 January 2020 by Mike Oxlong

[Tinman]

I used to have a phobia of speed humps.

I'm slowly learning to get over it

[urban.spaceman]

 

[ozleicester]

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

[FerrisBueller]

There are plans to make a new Die Hard film. Unfortunately due to Alan Rickman no longer being with us, this one will be Hans-free.

[UpTheLeagueFox]

23 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

 

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I approve of jokes like this