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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
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Posted

There's a well-known assassin who drinks in a backstreet pub.

 

A guy comes up to him his one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges £10,000 a bullet?"

 

"Yep."

 

"What if you miss?"

 

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

 

"Okay, well I've got £20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at a hotel together right now."

 

"Let's go," the assassin says.

 

So they drive to a shop across the road from the hotel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. 

 

"They're in room 21" the man says. "I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

 

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

 

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

 

"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you £10K".

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jonthefox

jonthefox

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Posted

I hate autocorrect.

 

I’ve just text my mate to see if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river.

 

I meant to say canal. 

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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted
On 25/12/2019 at 01:27, UpTheLeagueFox said:

WHEN IT'S BOXING DAY...

 

364 days to Christmas and some people have their decorations up already... :facepalm:

365 actually as next year is a leap year ;) 

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Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted

Thus, according to my maths and allowing for seasonal variations in shagging, impregnation and childbirth, approximately 1 in every 1461 people is born on 29th February.

 

Yes, I know that's not a joke. It's just interesting information, alright?

 

Image result for "Mr. Logic" Viz

 

BoyJones

BoyJones

Posted
Posted
On 27 December 2019 at 12:29, Alf Bentley said:

Thus, according to my maths and allowing for seasonal variations in shagging, impregnation and childbirth, approximately 1 in every 1461 people is born on 29th February.

 

Yes, I know that's not a joke. It's just interesting information, alright?

 

Image result for "Mr. Logic" Viz

 

But can they write The William Tell Overture? 

ozleicester

ozleicester

Posted
Posted
On 27/12/2019 at 20:09, Beliall said:

awesome! i only get to sleep with the mrs on the 29th of feb

coz i keep her busy the other 365 

 

Image result for mic drop

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
On 27/12/2019 at 12:09, Beliall said:

awesome! i only get to sleep with the mrs on the 29th of feb

Must be the end of the winter period.

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ozleicester

ozleicester

Posted
Posted

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

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UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted
23 minutes ago, ozleicester said:

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

 

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I approve of jokes like this :appl:

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