The joke thread

[bovril]

On 11/08/2024 at 19:57, Parafox said:

I went to the pub last night for quick beer. 

Everyone in there was covered in a painful rash.

 

 

 

Turns out it was shingles night.

I like to try and invent new Sean Connery jokes.

 

- why did Sean Connery get a rash when using Tinder

- because it was full of shingles

 

very bad I know 

[Parafox]

23 minutes ago, bovril said:

I like to try and invent new Sean Connery jokes.

 

- why did Sean Connery get a rash when using Tinder

- because it was full of shingles

 

very bad I know 

 

Yesh, maybe you should shimply shtop?

[Trav Le Bleu]

1 hour ago, Izzy said:

 

Sorry Trav, you can't have two CIEIO's of the same farm 

6.

 

6 years!

 

That's 72 weeks!

 

[The Bear]

10 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

6.

 

6 years!

 

That's 72 weeks!

 

Your maths is as good as your jokes...

[davieG]

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch

Originally from Canterbury, Simmons was named the winner of Comics Comic Award in 2022.

Simmons has appeared on UK panel show Mock the Week and produces the Jokes with Mark Simmons podcast.

Previous winners of the coveted Joke of the Fringe Award include Lorna Rose-Treen, Masai Graham, Ken Cheng, Olaf Falafel, Tim Vine, Rob Auton, Stewart Francis, Zoe Lyons and Nick Helm.

• The funniest Fringe jokes from previous years

A panel of comedy critics attend hundreds of shows, listening out for the best jokes before drawing up a shortlist of 10 favourites.

The jokes were then voted on anonymously by 2,000 members of the public who were asked to select their top three.

The Edinburgh Fringe is the world's biggest performance art festival and takes place over three weeks every August.

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 16/08/2024 at 08:14, The Bear said:

Your maths is as good as your jokes...

I think you'll find it's my English that is at fault.

[Trav Le Bleu]

1 hour ago, davieG said:

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch

Originally from Canterbury, Simmons was named the winner of Comics Comic Award in 2022.

Simmons has appeared on UK panel show Mock the Week and produces the Jokes with Mark Simmons podcast.

Previous winners of the coveted Joke of the Fringe Award include Lorna Rose-Treen, Masai Graham, Ken Cheng, Olaf Falafel, Tim Vine, Rob Auton, Stewart Francis, Zoe Lyons and Nick Helm.

• The funniest Fringe jokes from previous years

A panel of comedy critics attend hundreds of shows, listening out for the best jokes before drawing up a shortlist of 10 favourites.

The jokes were then voted on anonymously by 2,000 members of the public who were asked to select their top three.

The Edinburgh Fringe is the world's biggest performance art festival and takes place over three weeks every August.

Better than recent years.2, 8 and 11 made me laugh and Mark Simmons jokes raised a smile.

[MPH]

4 hours ago, davieG said:

Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe

1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook

3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson

4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby

8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham

9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr

10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel

11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth

12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift

13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall

14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker

15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch

Originally from Canterbury, Simmons was named the winner of Comics Comic Award in 2022.

Simmons has appeared on UK panel show Mock the Week and produces the Jokes with Mark Simmons podcast.

Previous winners of the coveted Joke of the Fringe Award include Lorna Rose-Treen, Masai Graham, Ken Cheng, Olaf Falafel, Tim Vine, Rob Auton, Stewart Francis, Zoe Lyons and Nick Helm.

• The funniest Fringe jokes from previous years

A panel of comedy critics attend hundreds of shows, listening out for the best jokes before drawing up a shortlist of 10 favourites.

The jokes were then voted on anonymously by 2,000 members of the public who were asked to select their top three.

The Edinburgh Fringe is the world's biggest performance art festival and takes place over three weeks every August.

 

my family now think I’m possessed with all the groaning and eye rolling that I did reading that….

[Facecloth]

A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, "Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"

 

The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.

 

The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons. The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.

 

By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation. The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.

 

On the fourth night, there's standing room only. People have traveled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest. The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.

 

But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender's face falls. "I'm sorry, my friend," he says, "but we're all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties."

 

The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The bartender nervously offers, "But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you'll love it."

 

The rabbit eyes him carefully. "Are you sure?" he asks.

 

With a grin, the bartender replies, "I wouldn't steer you wrong. Trust me, you'll love it."

 

"Alright," says the rabbit, "I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie."

 

The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves... never to return.

 

A year later, the pub is in decline. The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders. As he's cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.

 

"Who are you?" he asks.

 

"I'm the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub," comes the reply.

 

The bartender's eyes widen. "I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you'd come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you."

 

"Yes," the rabbit says. "But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead."

 

"That's right," the bartender recalls. "But then you never came back. What happened?"

 

"I died," says the rabbit.

 

The bartender gasps. "No! How?"

 

The rabbit pauses before replying, "Mixin' me toasties."

[MPH]

A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned  yesterday on the M1 losing its entire load.  Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Edited 26 August 2024 by MPH

[Trav Le Bleu]

I bought a thesaurus the other day, it wasn't very good and what's more, it wasn't very good.

 

[Beliall]

On 20/08/2024 at 09:18, Facecloth said:

A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, "Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"

 

The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.

 

The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons. The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.

 

By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation. The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.

 

On the fourth night, there's standing room only. People have traveled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest. The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.

 

But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender's face falls. "I'm sorry, my friend," he says, "but we're all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties."

 

The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The bartender nervously offers, "But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you'll love it."

 

The rabbit eyes him carefully. "Are you sure?" he asks.

 

With a grin, the bartender replies, "I wouldn't steer you wrong. Trust me, you'll love it."

 

"Alright," says the rabbit, "I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie."

 

The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves... never to return.

 

A year later, the pub is in decline. The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders. As he's cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.

 

"Who are you?" he asks.

 

"I'm the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub," comes the reply.

 

The bartender's eyes widen. "I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you'd come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you."

 

"Yes," the rabbit says. "But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead."

 

"That's right," the bartender recalls. "But then you never came back. What happened?"

 

"I died," says the rabbit.

 

The bartender gasps. "No! How?"

 

The rabbit pauses before replying, "Mixin' me toasties."

this joke falls apart at the point where the barman runs out of ham. like if you're expecting a talking rabbit to come in and order it, you would have it. 

sorry. cue the buzz killington memes

[dsr-burnley]

5 hours ago, Beliall said:

this joke falls apart at the point where the barman runs out of ham. like if you're expecting a talking rabbit to come in and order it, you would have it. 

sorry. cue the buzz killington memes

The problem was that the joke got too ambitious and tried to merge with the Two Ronnies Swedish lessons.  "We F N 10 E M".

[Facecloth]

Was in Waterstones earlier today to buy the new Prince Harry book. The assistant informed me that it was available in PDF file. I said “No thanks, that’s his uncle.”

[Trav Le Bleu]

On 19/08/2024 at 13:26, MPH said:

 

my family now think I’m possessed with all the groaning and eye rolling that I did reading that….

Or you trying to say that you're not?

 

It would explain so much.

[davieG]

Old but still relevant

 

[ajthefox]

3 hours ago, davieG said:

Old but still relevant

 

Was it funny when it was new?

[davieG]

2 minutes ago, ajthefox said:

Was it funny when it was new?

More appropriate.

[Tinman]

Englishman: "That your dog?" Welshman: "Aye" Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?' Welshman: "Dog don't talk.” Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing all right." Welshman: (look of shock) Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman) Dog: "Yep." Englishman: How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play." Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Welshman: "Horse don't talk.” Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman) Horse: "Yep." Englishman: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather." Welshman: (Look of total amazement!) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Welshman: "That sheep's a ****ing liar!!”

[Trav Le Bleu]

My South African mate Julius could tell you all about his Dutch heritage, but he doesn't want to be a Boer.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Just been into the supermarket and they wanted me to pay for their range eggs.

 

I call that false advertising!

[NAKC20]

26 minutes ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Just been into the supermarket and they wanted me to pay for their range eggs.

 

I call that false advertising!

Think you may have missed a word out 🤔🤣

[Trav Le Bleu]

2 hours ago, NAKC20 said:

Think you may have missed a word out 🤔🤣

Not at all, I was just being subtle and I think that not putting free is funnier.

[Parafox]

6 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

Just been into the supermarket and they wanted me to pay for their range eggs.

 

I call that false ****ing advertising!

 

6 hours ago, NAKC20 said:

Think you may have missed a word out 🤔🤣

 

I've put it in there for you.

[Trav Le Bleu]

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you can handle the reaper cushions.