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James.

Amusing News Stories

By James., in General Chat

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sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

http://www.sundaysport.com/?p=11661

 

 

jackomain.jpg

By SIMON DEAN

HE may have been dead almost four years – but Michael Jackson remains pop’s most controversial figure. And his reputation for the outlandish grew last night after an outraged pet owner revealed his MONKEY had been BUMMED by the GHOST of the late prancing paedophile.

Primate fan Brian Clowes, who along with wife Beryl keeps two macaques at his Crewe, Cheshire, home – said: “If I could get my hands on the ghost of Michael Jackson I’d wring its perverted otherworldly neck. “Unfortunately, due to the very nature of ghosts, that would be impossible.

But I’d certainly give it a ruddy good exorcism, or something.†Retired logistics manager Brian, 66, said he was woken on Monday evening by a ballyhoo from the converted garage where he keeps his monkeys – Elspeth and Silas.

He said: “We normally don’t get a peep out of them after dark but they were howling and screeching so I went downstairs to have a look. “In some ways, I wish I hadn’t. I opened the door to the garage and Silas was being bummed by what I can only describe as a sort of glowing, shadowy thing. It was obviously a ghost. “The spook looked at me and that’s when it hit me – it was Michael Jackson and it was making that bizarre ‘woo-hoo’ noise that Jacko used to make.

“Then it suddenly disappeared. It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen but I imagine it was more troubling for Silas and his poor monkey bottom.†Brian, who admits he’d been drinking “a bit†on Monday night, said he came to Sunday Sport to warn other monkey owners their pets were at risk of non-consensual buggery by the ghost of Jacko. The attack on Silas would seem to confirm that e m o t i o n a l l y retarded sexual oddball Jackson had formed an “unnaturally close†relationship while alive with his own pet monkey, Bubbles.

Bumming monkeys is not the only escapade that Jacko’s ghost has been getting up to, it would appear. Earlier this month it was reported during the Jackson family’s ongoing £26bn damages claim trial that Lionel Richie’s ex-wife contacted Jacko’s spirit.

The ghost of the singer, who died in 2009, ‘told’ Brenda he “accidentally killed himself†The reports made no mention of any monkey bumming antics.

Leicesterpool

Leicesterpool

Posted
Posted

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/packed-lunches-may-off-menu-schools-040324976.html?vp=1#nswOwnN

 

What a load of rubbish, there is a good reason why some kids have packed lunches. 1) It's too expensive, 2) Food is crap, 3) The choice pathetic, 4) Other kids jump the queue, 5) some kids might be diabetic only get certain foods. The idea of banning students for bringing there own food from home is a bloody disgrace.

 

Myself what i'd do is i'd tell him or she to take there packed lunched in, if i hear they took it off him. Then i'd come and i personally say "try and get the lunch off me"  

 

I wonder if the teachers are going to be stopped bringing packed lunches aswell?

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

A BIZARRE court ruling has sentenced a homeless man to HOUSE ARREST.

Every evening cops arrive at the same spot to check 48-year-old convict Domenico Codispoti is tucked up in his sleeping bag on the street.

The serial crook then has to stay put at 22 Via Vittor Pisani, just in front of the main station in Milan’s city centre, until 7am every morning – until April next year.

He said: “I have always done my stealing at night. That’s why the court gave me this sentence.

“Since I don’t have a house, there was no other solution. During the night I can’t move.â€

His criminal record includes attempted robbery, petty theft, and drug dealing.

He said: “Once I went off to urinate, but a police patrol arrived and stopped me.â€

He added: “I asked to go to jail. At least there is a bed, a hot meal, and water to wash. But I’m not allowed.â€

Codispoti was first sentenced to house arrest in 2006 when he was sentenced to two years of surveillance but after further convictions his sentence has been extended.

He was a bar manager in north-east Italy before he became addicted to drugs and resorted to living on the streets.

 

 

Sorry it's from the Sun

hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted
JK Rowling recorded two dubstep albums as Burial

 


HARRY Potter author JK Rowling has been revealed as the enigmatic dubstep producer Burial.

 

jkrowling250.jpg

It’s got to be beats before wizards

 

The 47-year-old recorded two albums of gritty, introspective dubstep under the name Burial while also writing the Harry Potter books. She was nominated for a Mercury Music Award but didn’t turn up.

Rowling said: “I just hear beats in my head all the time. Bom-ka bom-ka, bom-ka bom-ka, bom-ka, like that.

 

“My label advised me to keep my identity secret because dance music producers aren’t supposed to look like assistant headmistresses.â€

She added: “I only wrote Harry Potter because I was trying to get enough money together for studio equipment and a better laptop.

“The studio I’ve got now is insanely pimped out. It’s in my house so I can smoke in it and everything.â€

 

Raver Nikki Hollis said: “I was certain I saw JK Rowling DJing at a Dalston warehouse party in 2011.

“She had her hooded top pulled right up but you could see it was her, the police turned up to bust the party but she gave them £8 million in cash, just out of her pocket, to go away.

“I was like, ‘Are you JK Rowling?’ and she replied ‘No, you’re just off your head, go and dance’.â€

 

54-year-old Harry Potter fan Stephen Malley said: “As a Rowling completist, the diversity of her career is getting exhausting.

“I already had to wade through The Casual Vacancy, now I’ve got to stay up all night at raves, taking drugs and ruining my hearing.â€

hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

Hairy, that's from the Daily Mash.

 

lol

and therefore as close to the truth as the Daily Mail / Sun / Leicester Mercury etc

davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

http://www.burytimes.co.uk/news/10562403.Horse_rider_s_fast_food_fine/

 

A WOMAN has been fined after walking into McDonald’s in Whitefield with a horse – when she was refused service at the drive-through.

Staff had declined to serve her at the drive-through on Saturday, saying it was against company policy.

The woman then took the horse into the fast-food restaurant, where it left a deposit, and police were called.

A spokesman for Whitefield police said on their Facebook page: “The sight and smell of this caused obvious distress and upset to customers trying to eat, as well as staff members.

“Officers arrived at the location and woman was issued a fixed penalty notice for causing alarm and distress to other customers and staff.”

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

If they had a sign up 'Guide horse only maybe she would not have protested.

 

Actually there was an episode of QI that said Shire horse were capable of being guide 'animals'.

I see nothing wrong with the 'drive through' but there are few restaurants that allow animals in apart from the ones featured on the menus.

Jimothy

Jimothy

Posted
Posted

Can't understand why she went through the drive through on a horse anyway. It's hard enough trying to drive home without spilling your drink in that stupid holder thing, imagine doing it a horse!

Anyway in all seriousness why didn't she just tether it up outside and go in?

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

What was she doing at MacDonalds anyway? I''m sure she could afford better than a Bic Mac. Wouldn't she have servants who could prepare a home made one if she was that desperate.

Guest MattP

Guest MattP

Posted
Posted

What was she doing at MacDonalds anyway? I''m sure she could afford better than a Bic Mac. Wouldn't she have servants who could prepare a home made one if she was that desperate.

Last time I checked pikeys don't generally have servants.

  • 2 weeks later...
Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

You do realise that using the word p----s is now illegal. Political correctness crap does nor allow it.

Did not realise she was one. Thought she might be a member of the local fox hunt lhunting for a foxburger.

The Ozleicester quote was not for me was it? Can#t find it on this page

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