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James.

Amusing News Stories

By James., in General Chat

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  • 4 weeks later...
Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

 

This bungling thief is clearly no bright spark after managing to set himself on fire while trying to steal live high-voltage power cable.
Blundering Richard Howells caused a power cut to 1,000 homes – including his own grandmother’s who found herself stranded on her electric stairlift for several hours until engineers could fix the problem.
The 21-year-old, of Penlan, Swansea, saw sparks fly from his fingers and set himself on fire when he used a screwdriver to try pry out part of the 11,000-watt cable which he hoped to sell to pay his £140 phone bill.
City magistrates were told he almost died and had to roll on the floor to put the flames on his body out after the near fatal theft on April 4.
He was tracked down by police after they checked local hospitals for people who had been admitted with burns.

 

 
 
 

 

Carl the Llama

Carl the Llama

Posted
Posted

I would refuse to do this exam - due to the teacher giving its pupils only two weeks or less to read and prepare for the exam...

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-suffolk-22728150

Oh noes!!! Only 2 weeks to learn how to regurgitate your teacher's opinion on a single book, proving how capable you are at dealing with literature!!! :o

 

The fvck is wrong with our system when it requires 8 months of lessons to prepare for something which a couple of hours on wikipedia the day before would see you passing with flying colours?

The Year Of The Fox

The Year Of The Fox

Posted
Posted

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22828150

 

Sweden male train drivers wear skirts after shorts row
_68057962_martin.jpgMartin Akersten says his colleagues came up with the idea in winter

A dozen male train drivers in Sweden have circumvented a ban on shorts by wearing skirts to work in hot weather.

The workers, who operate the Roslagsbanan line north of the capital Stockholm, have been wearing skirts to work for the past two weeks.

Employer Arriva banned the drivers from wearing shorts after taking over the running of the line in January.

But the company has given the men its blessing to wear skirts, according to local newspaper Mitti.

"Our thinking is that one should look decent and proper when representing Arriva and the present uniforms do that. If the man only wants [to wear] a skirt then that is OK," Arriva communications manager Tomas Hedenius told the paper.

"To tell them to do something else would be discrimination."

Driver Martin Akersten told the BBC he and his colleagues came up with the idea to wear skirts after they were informed of the new company dress code in the winter.

"We have always said that when summer comes, we will get some skirts and wear them. It's very warm weather here so we would like to wear shorts but if we can't then we have skirts for comfort".

The male drivers have chosen only to wear skirts on hot days, opting for trousers in cooler conditions.

"The passengers stare at us but so far no-one has said anything - well, not to me, anyway. And I don't mind as it's more about comfort," Mr Akersten adds.

sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

Wasn't quite sure where to put this:

 

http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/lodger-required/1021568193

 

Enjoy!

 

 

 

  • Room type

    Double

  • Available to couples

    No

  • Date available

    11/06/13

  • Property type

    House

  • Seller type

    Private

Hello, I am looking for a lodger in my house. I have had a long and interesting life and have now chosen Brighton as a location for my retirement. Among the many things I have done in my life is to spend three years alone on St. Lawrence Island. These were perhaps the most intense and fascinating years of my life, and I was kept in companionship with a walrus whom I named Gregory. Never have I had such a fulfilling friendship with anyone, human or otherwise, and upon leaving the island I was heartbroken for months. I now find myself in a large house over looking Queens Park and am keen to get a lodger. This is a position I am prepared to offer for free (eg: no rent payable) on the fulfillment of some conditions. I have, over the last few months, been constructing a realistic walrus costume, which should fit most people of average proportions, and allow for full and easy movement in character. To take on the position as my lodger you must be prepared to wear the walrus suit for approximately two hours each day (in practice, this is not two hours every day - I merely state it here so you are able to have a clear idea of the workload). Whilst in the walrus costume you must be a walrus - there must be no speaking in a human voice, and any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus - I believe there aer recordings available on the web - to me, the voice is the most natural thing I have ever heard. Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you whilst you are being the walrus. With the exception of this, you will be free to do whatever you choose, and will have a spacious double room, complete run of the house (with the exception of my bedroom and my workshop), and use of all facilities within. I am a considerate person to share a house with, and other than playing the accordion my tastes are easy to accomodate. 

Due to the nature of this position I will need to audition all applicants before agreeing to take the chosen candidate on as a lodger. Please contact me if you have any questions.
sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/turkish-protestors-threaten-to-deploy-drunk-britons-2013061372096

 

PROTESTORS in Turkey have threatened to utilise drunk Britons against government forces.

 

drunkmen250.jpg

They feel no pain

Leading anti-government groups have said that although they are personally committed to non-violence, British package tourists would have no qualms about kneeing police in the genitals.

A spokesman said: “It’s a ‘nuclear option’, but we have allies within the tourist industry who could cut off the supply of chips and Stella to Marmaris within 48 hours.

“When the 18-30 hordes start asking questions, we just blame the government.

“These people do not run from water cannons, rather they just stand there with their mouths open and say ‘Put it there, Stavros’.

“And tear gas? To a woman smoking sixty Lambert & Butler a day, it does not even make the mascara run.

“They are like the beserkers of Norse mythology, but fatter and more sunburned.â€

The Turkish government has so far taken a hard line against the protesters, but admits concessions may be offered if threats to stop vital shipments of Bacardi Breezers are carried out.

Prime Minister Erdogan admitted: “Turkey survived invasions by Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan. But if the alcohol stops flowing in Dalaman, my country will be laid waste in a matter of hours.â€

Former Club Reps Uncut cast member Tom Logan said: “I don’t know what secular means but I’ll happily fight to the death for a kebab with all the trimmings on it.

“And then I will get my arse out.â€

MikeyT

MikeyT

Posted
Posted

 

Wasn't quite sure where to put this:

 

http://www.gumtree.com/p/flats-houses/lodger-required/1021568193

 

Enjoy!

 

 

 

  • Room type

    Double

  • Available to couples

    No

  • Date available

    11/06/13

  • Property type

    House

  • Seller type

    Private

Hello, I am looking for a lodger in my house. I have had a long and interesting life and have now chosen Brighton as a location for my retirement. Among the many things I have done in my life is to spend three years alone on St. Lawrence Island. These were perhaps the most intense and fascinating years of my life, and I was kept in companionship with a walrus whom I named Gregory. Never have I had such a fulfilling friendship with anyone, human or otherwise, and upon leaving the island I was heartbroken for months. I now find myself in a large house over looking Queens Park and am keen to get a lodger. This is a position I am prepared to offer for free (eg: no rent payable) on the fulfillment of some conditions. I have, over the last few months, been constructing a realistic walrus costume, which should fit most people of average proportions, and allow for full and easy movement in character. To take on the position as my lodger you must be prepared to wear the walrus suit for approximately two hours each day (in practice, this is not two hours every day - I merely state it here so you are able to have a clear idea of the workload). Whilst in the walrus costume you must be a walrus - there must be no speaking in a human voice, and any communication must entail making utterances in the voice of a walrus - I believe there aer recordings available on the web - to me, the voice is the most natural thing I have ever heard. Other duties will involve catching and eating the fish and crabs that I will occasionally throw to you whilst you are being the walrus. With the exception of this, you will be free to do whatever you choose, and will have a spacious double room, complete run of the house (with the exception of my bedroom and my workshop), and use of all facilities within. I am a considerate person to share a house with, and other than playing the accordion my tastes are easy to accomodate. 

Due to the nature of this position I will need to audition all applicants before agreeing to take the chosen candidate on as a lodger. Please contact me if you have any questions.

 

Peed my pants reading this! lol

davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

Sort of funny, more stupid but not if you were just having a drink in there

 

'Bingo-for-biscuits' Brits fined in Portugal

 

Twenty-eight UK expats and holiday-makers have been fined after police in Portugal swooped on a bar where a game of bingo was being played for biscuits.

Landlady Marianne Pittaway, from North Yorkshire, was fined 700 euros (£595) for hosting the game at The Yorkshire Tavern in Albufeira, on Friday night.

Ms Pittaway, 34, also received a four-month suspended prison sentence.

She said she was "still in shock" and that the country's regulations were "wrong in a lot of aspects".

Ms Pittaway, who has been in Portugal for eight years, said her bar would "definitely not" be staging bingo again.

Continue reading the main story “Start Quote

When we tried to leave three of the guys, who were armed police, actually made a barricade in front of us”

Lee Williams

The 28 people arrested, all British citizens, appeared in court in Albufeira to face charges of "exploitation of illegal gambling, illegal gambling and witnessing illegal gambling", according to the police.

Those in the bar were all fined various amounts and given suspended sentences.

Even the people in the bar who were not playing bingo were fined 150 euros (£125) and given a three-month suspended sentence for "witnessing illegal gambling".

Organisers of bingo in Portugal have to apply for a government licence.

'Just a joke'

Speaking ahead of her court appearance, Ms Pittaway, originally from York, said: "I put on the bingo for some entertainment and a bit of fun. We were only playing for some biscuits and drinks.

"One minute we were all playing, having a bit of fun and then we were just bundled off in three police vans and taken to the police station."

Among those arrested were Lee Williams and Claire Fairhurst, from Wigan, who were in the bar but not involved in the bingo. The couple were allowed to return to the UK.

Mr Williams said: "When we tried to leave three of the guys, who were armed police, actually made a barricade in front of us and told us were not allowed to leave and that we had to go to the police station to be read our rights and that we were being arrested as part of an illegal gambling group.

"I've had a lot of ribbing from my mates - I'm sick of hearing people saying 'eyes down' or 'house' - you've just got to smile about it, really."

In a statement, Portuguese police, Faro GNR, said the action had been carried out following "information reported by anonymous citizens".

sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

Sort of funny, more stupid but not if you were just having a drink in there

 

'Bingo-for-biscuits' Brits fined in Portugal

 

Twenty-eight UK expats and holiday-makers have been fined after police in Portugal swooped on a bar where a game of bingo was being played for biscuits.

Landlady Marianne Pittaway, from North Yorkshire, was fined 700 euros (£595) for hosting the game at The Yorkshire Tavern in Albufeira, on Friday night.

Ms Pittaway, 34, also received a four-month suspended prison sentence.

She said she was "still in shock" and that the country's regulations were "wrong in a lot of aspects".

Ms Pittaway, who has been in Portugal for eight years, said her bar would "definitely not" be staging bingo again.

Continue reading the main story “Start Quote

When we tried to leave three of the guys, who were armed police, actually made a barricade in front of usâ€

Lee Williams

The 28 people arrested, all British citizens, appeared in court in Albufeira to face charges of "exploitation of illegal gambling, illegal gambling and witnessing illegal gambling", according to the police.

Those in the bar were all fined various amounts and given suspended sentences.

Even the people in the bar who were not playing bingo were fined 150 euros (£125) and given a three-month suspended sentence for "witnessing illegal gambling".

Organisers of bingo in Portugal have to apply for a government licence.

'Just a joke'

Speaking ahead of her court appearance, Ms Pittaway, originally from York, said: "I put on the bingo for some entertainment and a bit of fun. We were only playing for some biscuits and drinks.

"One minute we were all playing, having a bit of fun and then we were just bundled off in three police vans and taken to the police station."

Among those arrested were Lee Williams and Claire Fairhurst, from Wigan, who were in the bar but not involved in the bingo. The couple were allowed to return to the UK.

Mr Williams said: "When we tried to leave three of the guys, who were armed police, actually made a barricade in front of us and told us were not allowed to leave and that we had to go to the police station to be read our rights and that we were being arrested as part of an illegal gambling group.

"I've had a lot of ribbing from my mates - I'm sick of hearing people saying 'eyes down' or 'house' - you've just got to smile about it, really."

In a statement, Portuguese police, Faro GNR, said the action had been carried out following "information reported by anonymous citizens".

 

 

Stupid Portuguese po-po! That kind of over-the-top action/reaction takes the...proverbial something or other.  :ph34r:

Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Sort of funny, more stupid but not if you were just having a drink in there

 

'Bingo-for-biscuits' Brits fined in Portugal

 

Twenty-eight UK expats and holiday-makers have been fined after police in Portugal swooped on a bar where a game of bingo was being played for biscuits.

 

That's crackers.

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Not really a funny story but did not know where to put it. After complaints about starting up threads for any deceased person - well known or not so well known -, this extract from the editors' page in the free newspaper 'I' shows how difficult job newspaper obituaries columnists have before going to print. The part about the and Mrs T  I found amusing.

 

One of the more morbid pastimes of a news editor – and there are a few – is the “major deaths†meeting.

When significant public figures acquire exceptional vintage, or fall seriously ill, it is prudent for a newspaper to commission appreciations from their biographers and friends in good time – such that their passing can be marked with suitable gravity and thought. Acquaintances may then ruminate at leisure upon the individual’s contribution to public life, rather than hurry out a tribute, after receiving the distressing news.

Each newspaper thus sits on a trove of commentary and anecdotes about household names who are deemed to be of particular interest to their readers.

Many of these figures live for years. When Margaret Thatcher died, one newspaper carried a front-page obituary written by her biographer – who had himself been dead a decade. The News of the World’s readers never got to see the glossy “RIP, Maggie†supplement.

Forget the media ghouls, though, for a moment. Nelson Mandela remains South Africa’s totem of unity and resolution, of forgiveness – the man who embraced Afrikaans culture to bridge the gulf with his jailers, and once elected president invited them to his first dinner. In bridging the racial divides in his own life he allowed a national community to develop.

His parting will leave a void in the idea of South African nationhood – and highlight the absence of equivalent moral leadership there now. Some younger factions want to return the rainbow nation to one of black and white.

Mandela wrote after his release: “I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.â€

cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted

I shouldn't have laughed but I did when I heard this gem on the radio today.

Apparently one of the rarest birds in Britain was seen in Scotland and over 200 twitchers went up to see it after getting alerts on their mobiles.The bird then decided to fly into a wind turbine infront of these bird watchers.Needless to say its even rarer now.

I am Rod Hull

I am Rod Hull

Posted
Posted

Sort of funny, more stupid but not if you were just having a drink in there

 

'Bingo-for-biscuits' Brits fined in Portugal

 

Twenty-eight UK expats and holiday-makers have been fined after police in Portugal swooped on a bar where a game of bingo was being played for biscuits.

 

 

 

That's crackers.

 

Were they dunking disorderly?...  

 

:facepalm:

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