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James.

Amusing News Stories

By James., in General Chat

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sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/02/13/never-dry-a-soggy-ninebar-in-the-microwave-warns-waterford-lad/

 

“Never dry a soggy ninebar in the microwave†warns Waterford Lad

February 13, 2014

 

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AFTER WEEKS of torrential rain and flooding, thousands of euros worth of hashish has been left destroyed in stash points all across the country, forcing many worried dealers to resort to microwaving their smoke in a bid to claim back some of their investment –  but this is bad reveals one Waterford lad.

Local pharmaceutical expert and philosopher Jamie Lonergan told WWN today not to attempt the practice. as it ‘takes the bang out of the smoke’.

“Microwaving ruins is so it does,†he explained, while tucking his tracksuit ends into his socks. “Everyone ****ing knows that. You can always tell its nuked by the shitty crumble and the smell.â€

The 22-year-old, who said he was recently done for beating up two bouncers outside The Foundry niteclub in December, advised fellow wholesalers to leave the bars dry out naturally as not to degrade the quality.

“I knows plenty of heads around the town now who got caught out now with the floods the last week so they did.†he said. “If ya need to dry it out fast then leave it in the hotpress for the week. I hears of lads using the microwave to cut up the bars – ****ing dopes. You might as well **** it in the bin after that.â€

Jamie estimates that at least 3 million euros worth of illegal drugs have been destroyed in the recent floods.

“Theres gonna be some skulls cracked over the next few weeks or so.†he warned. “Half it I’d say was on tick too; which is the real killer. There’d be no insurance payout for them poor ***** I tell ya!

Mr. Lonergan also advised dealers to flog soggy bars whole, and not to even attempt to cut them up.

“Unless ya want a bag of ****ing Bisto on your ****ing hands, best sell it off to some dope for half nothing.†he concluded.

  • 2 weeks later...
Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted

A Monty Python sketch comes to mind.

that was my first thought  :D  

According to Palin , Cleese hit him a lot harder than he was expecting him too , and nearly knocked him clean out  when he went into the canal!! . 

  • 2 weeks later...
sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/secret-service-agents-in-obamas-detail-sent-home-from-netherlands-after-night-of-drinking/2014/03/25/28eb156e-b474-11e3-8020-b2d790b3c9e1_story.html

 

Three Secret Service agents responsible for protecting President Obama in Amsterdam this week were sent home and put on administrative leave Sunday after going out for a night of drinking, according to three people familiar with the incident. One of the agents was found drunk and passed out in a hotel hallway, the people said.

The hotel staff alerted the U.S. Embassy in the Netherlands after finding the unconscious agent Sunday morning, a day before Obama arrived in the country, according to two of the people. The embassy then alerted Secret Service managers on the presidential trip, which included the agency’s director, Julia Pierson.


According to two people familiar with the Amsterdam incident, the three are members of the Secret Service’s Counter Assault Team, known in the agency as CAT.

The alleged behavior would violate Secret Service rules ­adopted in the wake of a damaging scandal in Cartagena, Colombia, in April 2012, when a dozen agents and officers had been drinking heavily and had brought prostitutes back to their hotel rooms before the president’s arrival for an economic summit.

Under the requirements, anyone on an official trip is forbidden to drink alcohol in the 10 hours leading up to an assignment. As members of the advance team for a presidential trip, the CAT members would have been called to duty sometime Sunday for a classified briefing ahead of the president’s arrival on Monday. Drinking late into the night Saturday evening and Sunday morning would have violated that rule.

Obama landed in the Netherlands on Monday for the start of a high-stakes week-long trip to ­Europe and Saudi Arabia in the midst of a tense standoff with Russia over its annexation of Crimea. The agents involved in the misconduct were among hundreds of U.S. personnel from the Secret Service, the military, the State Department and other agencies sent to prepare for his arrival and ensure his safety, including during his attendance at the Nuclear Security Summit in The Hague with dozens of world leaders.

The president’s visit started with a brief stop at the Rijksmuseum, a fine-arts museum in Amsterdam, with Prime Minister Mark Rutte. Obama traveled from The Hague to Brussels on Tuesday night.

The three involved in the drinking incident were GS-13-level agents, according to one person familiar with the investigation of the case. One of the three was a “team leader†on counter­assault, but he was not in a supervisory position in the agency, the person said.

All three people familiar with the case requested anonymity in order to discuss details of the ongoing investigation. Pierson traveled on Air Force One with Obama, and she is scheduled to remain on the trip with the president as he continues to Rome and Saudi Arabia, one of the people said.

The Counter Assault Team’s job is to protect the president if he or his motorcade comes under attack and to fight off assailants and draw fire while the protective detail removes the president from the area.

Two former agency employees with experience on foreign trips described the counterassault team as one of the most elite units in the agency, responsible for “the last line of defense†for the president. Those selected for CAT are required to be highly skilled shooters and extremely physically fit, with a demanding training regimen, said the two former employees, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe internal operations.

There are also high expectations for personal conduct on the squad, they said. On foreign trips, one former agent recalled, the counterassault team often worked shifts as long as 12 hours, the former agents recalled, and agents were expected to get rest during their time off to be in prime condition.

“They received the best technical training in the service,†said one of the former agents. “They were the only team constantly training — training on assaults, on evacuations, all sorts of things. They were very squared away. It was really difficult to get on CAT.â€

In the Cartagena scandal, the Secret Service employees’ actions were discovered when one prostitute got into a noisy dispute with agents in a hotel hallway about an agent’s refusal to pay her fee. Colombian police reported the incident to the U.S. Embassy there.

Obama said at the time that the agents’ behavior was unacceptable. “We’re representing the people of the United States, and when we travel to another country I expect us to observe the highest standards, because we’re not just representing ourselves,†he said in Cartagena.

The revelations in Cartagena led to the removal of 10 agents from their jobs, multiple federal and congressional investigations, and the rules aimed at preventing similar activity in the future. Mark Sullivan, the Secret Service director at the time, apologized for his employees’ conduct. Sullivan retired in February 2013 after 30 years in the agency.

sphericalfox

sphericalfox

Posted
Posted

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/23/vatican-cocaine-condoms-parcel-seized-package

 

German customs officials have intercepted a package addressed to theVatican containing 14 condoms filled with cocaine.

A government spokesman said a box packed with 340 grammes of the drug, valued at €40,000 (£33,470), was seized in January at the international airport in the eastern city of Leipzig.

The cocaine, posted from an unnamed South American country, was in liquid form. It had been poured into the condoms and placed in the package addressed to the main postal centre at the Vatican.

Authorities handed the parcel to a Vatican police officer with the aim of laying a trap.

But the box was not claimed. German investigators believe the intended recipient, who remains unknown, was tipped off about the interception.

The Vatican office of Interpol is working on the investigation with the Leipzig prosecutor's office, which could not be reached for comment.

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Taken from Newsbiscuit   Iain Duncan Smith to simplify all his cock-ups into one Universal Cock-Up

350-ids.jpg‘The current system of cock-ups is complicated and confusing,’ said the Work and Pensions Secretary. ‘Even I have trouble keeping track of them all. That’s why I have decided to create a new system to unify all my cock-ups into one monumental cock-up – something that everyone can understand’.

The Universal Cock-Up will cost an estimated £2bn to implement and is due to be rolled out next year. However, given that it is being organised by Mr Duncan Smith, experts say it is more likely to cost £200bn and never happen at all.

The new system will create an extensive database of all Iain Duncan Smith’s failures: departmental mismanagement, making up statistics, cruel treatment of benefit claimants with disabilities, illegally forcing people to work in Poundland, a jobs website that hosts fake jobs, and once writing a really terrible novel.

‘I have every confidence that the Universal Cock-Up will be delivered on time and on budget,’ said Mr Duncan Smith. ‘I have already commissioned the very latest state-of-the-art IT system to run it: a Sinclair ZX 81. Nothing can possibly go wrong, although admittedly we are having some teething troubles getting the cassette player to load the software.’

Mr Duncan Smith has also arranged for himself to be constantly monitored by Atos, who will conduct a continuous assessment of his inability to do the job properly and ensure that he is always doing everything he possibly can to do everything possibly wrong.

The Universal Cock-Up is already being heralded as one of the government’s flagship policies. If the scheme is a success, it may be extended to all government departments, although Michael Gove has insisted on keeping his pet project of taxpayer funded ‘free cock-ups’.

Mr Duncan Smith rejected claims that the whole thing was yet another failure waiting to happen for which he would refuse to accept responsibility. ‘I am sick and tired of this constant culture of blame,’ he told reporters, ‘and it’s all YOUR fault.’

 

lol lol

Guest MattP

Guest MattP

Posted
Posted

Not surprised if it's not, this sort of magazines only have a certain shelf life.

No one over the age of 30 reads them.

Guest MattP

Guest MattP

Posted
Posted

Anything by the Council of Islamic Ideology ticks this box now, been reading their stuff for a while and it never fails to make me laugh, brilliant satire article here on them (at least I hope it is). The really shocking thing is they actually now hold some serious clout in Nothern Pakistan and in certain parts of the Middle East.

 

http://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2014/03/15/comment/coucil-of-islamic-ideology-declares-womens-existence-anti-islamic/

 

Opening to this is just fantastic.

 

 

The Council of Islamic Ideology (CII) concluded their 192nd meeting on Thursday with the ruling that women are un-Islamic and that their mere existence contradicted Sharia and the will of Allah.

Captain...

Captain...

Posted
Posted

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar/23/vatican-cocaine-condoms-parcel-seized-package

 

German customs officials have intercepted a package addressed to theVatican containing 14 condoms filled with cocaine.

A government spokesman said a box packed with 340 grammes of the drug, valued at €40,000 (£33,470), was seized in January at the international airport in the eastern city of Leipzig.

The cocaine, posted from an unnamed South American country, was in liquid form. It had been poured into the condoms and placed in the package addressed to the main postal centre at the Vatican.

Authorities handed the parcel to a Vatican police officer with the aim of laying a trap.

But the box was not claimed. German investigators believe the intended recipient, who remains unknown, was tipped off about the interception.

The Vatican office of Interpol is working on the investigation with the Leipzig prosecutor's office, which could not be reached for comment.

 

That's shocking, God will be furious, condom's in the Vatican indeed.

The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

Anything by the Council of Islamic Ideology ticks this box now, been reading their stuff for a while and it never fails to make me laugh, brilliant satire article here on them (at least I hope it is). The really shocking thing is they actually now hold some serious clout in Nothern Pakistan and in certain parts of the Middle East.

 

http://www.pakistantoday.com.pk/2014/03/15/comment/coucil-of-islamic-ideology-declares-womens-existence-anti-islamic/

 

Opening to this is just fantastic.

That's got to be an April fools surely? It's just completely absurd.

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