Funny things your wife says

[Jattdogg]

Well she's ended up between my legs and giving me a leg massage so we all know where this is going

Wasted boner from a sloppy half ass wank?

[stix]

Well she's ended up between my legs and giving me a leg massage so we all know where this is going

As long as she doesn't forget about the third leg....

[Rincewind]

Sex and FoxTalk chat to blokes at the same time?

[Jattdogg]

Once my wife was doing some stretching on the floor before a work out and was in a bit of discomfort. She says to me "can you stretch my ass muscles out"

Ermmmm what? here? now???

[Mike Oxlong]

'Babe can you brush my hair please because I have a headache and it will get rid of it because it's relaxing'.

As soon as she uttered the word "babe" there'd only be one outcome

[Buzzell]

No sex. Just achy legs and a night of Ibiza Weekender.

[DillonLive]

[Webbo]

My wife said to me today " what do you think bacon and lentil soup tastes like?"

"Err, bacon and lentil maybe?"

[Merging Cultures]

While working out how much time we needed over the weekend to visit a farm shop, she did this amazing bit of maths.

 

"20 mins to drive there, 20 mins to look around, 20 mins to drive home. So, that's an hour and a half."

 

Genius.

[AoWW]

While working out how much time we needed over the weekend to visit a farm shop, she did this amazing bit of maths.

 

"20 mins to drive there, 20 mins to look around, 20 mins to drive home. So, that's an hour and a half."

 

Genius.

 

She was completely right though...

 

She might have said just 20 mins to look around but in her head she knew she'd easily take another half an hour browsing, she just wasn't going to admit it before you'd even left. Hence, an hour and a half...

[Parafox]

Going to Rome soon, I pre-booked the Collisseum and The Vatican tours.

 

When I asked my wife if we should do the full Vatican tour she came back with, "well I'm not all that bothered about the Sistine Chapel"  

[Webbo]

There's a dress code for the Vatican. My wife was in shorts and a vest top and they wouldn't let us in. I had to buy her a new outfit so we didn't have a wasted day.

[Parafox]

There's a dress code for the Vatican. My wife was in shorts and a vest top and they wouldn't let us in. I had to buy her a new outfit so we didn't have a wasted day.

 

I plan on wearing a dress that is below knee length and a gimp mask

[Webbo]

I plan on wearing a dress that is below knee length and a gimp mask

You'll get mistaken for the Pope.

[Dr The Singh]

You'll get mistaken for the Pope.

That's the type of thing that gets you going!!

[MPH]

So i have lived full time in the states for 6 years now, Visited frequently for 4 years before that. EVERY SINGLE TIME we pass a certain building my wife says " my dad used to won that building" It's at least every 2 weeks.

 

 

So a few days back  as we went to go past it i said " Let me guess, your dad used to own that building?"

 

 

 

she just stared at me " who told you?"

 

 

 

 

 

[RobHawk]

Not amusing per say bit i ripped my wife big time for this. To be clear, she has no interest in the footy, but leaves me to watch it in piece, this was the convo this morning after seeing the £15k story on the news.

 

ME: "I'd be there in a heart beat if i could get tickets - never going to happen though"

 

HER: "Just don't go spending £15k"

 

ME: "Yeah, if i could get 2 tickets i'd take my old man as an early birthday present - witnessing history together"

 

HER: "What??? You mean you wouldn't take me?"

 

No i bloody would not! You hate the football!!!

[Merging Cultures]

Not amusing per say bit i ripped my wife big time for this. To be clear, she has no interest in the footy, but leaves me to watch it in piece, this was the convo this morning after seeing the £15k story on the news.

ME: "I'd be there in a heart beat if i could get tickets - never going to happen though"

HER: "Just don't go spending £15k"

ME: "Yeah, if i could get 2 tickets i'd take my old man as an early birthday present - witnessing history together"

HER: "What??? You mean you wouldn't take me?"

No i bloody would not! You hate the football!!!

So does that mean she has given you permission to spend £14k?

[RobHawk]

So does that mean she has given you permission to spend £14k?

Ha ha! Maybe if i had £14k! 

[Beliall]

My Mrs was unhappy her phone isn't compatible with Pokemon go, I  said, it's OK, you can always play online. She said " I'm not walking around outside with my laptop" 

[Webbo]

There's a road near us that the wife drives down every morning and there's always a dead Fox or badger on the road. We were driving back up there one evening and there was a really squashed up Fox. She said" ahh it's looks all messy, it looked really healthy this morning". Yeah apart from being dead lol.

[Merging Cultures]

We rented a car while away, the wife had been driving it most of the week, but I had to nip to the shops. As I took the keys from her she warned me it's a really fast car and very easy to speed.

 

I get in and notice the speedo is in KMs, the speed signs are in miles. She has been driving slow all week, while thinking everyone else was speeding.

[Thracian]

Since my wife's been recovering from her heart surgery we've been playing various board games to pass the time in the evenings. 

We decided on Scrabble tonight but, on opening the box, she decided something was missing and spent 10 minutes looking everywhere for the houses! I didn't let on and she wasn't best pleased when light dawned!    

Edited 25 July 2016 by Thracian

[Thracian]

Back in the 60's my girfriend's mum asked why she didn't want to get married on a Saturday. "I'm quite sure he loves me," she laughed, "but I'm not sure he'll ever love me that much!"           

[aussie-fox]

Not my wife but I recently had a conversation with my Nan about a man that had lost half his leg in a car crash she asked "which half?"