Marriages/Long term relationships and boredom

[BunkMoreland]

Does anyone who has been with their partner for a long time (by that I mean 3+ years) still actually enjoy spending tome together? Do you feel any excitement at seeing your partner? What percentage of your time together would you say you genuinely enjoy more than you enjoy on your own or with other people?

I've always thought a big part of being a good partner is sticking with it through the inevitable boring times. Working hard to keep things interesting. I thought that by doing this the relationship would strengthen and ultimately happiness in the relationship would, despite having ups and downs, steadily increase.

I've been with mrs Moreland for four years (we're not married and have no kids). The first two went as I expected. A big high (the honeymoom period) followed by a correction and then a series of peaks and troughs with a gradually rising trend. The last two years, however, the peaks have got lower and the troughs have got lower. Often now I'm on the edge of wanting to let it go. Recently I was afforded some time alone. Initially I missed her but after a few days I was fine and when she came back, I was indifferent. This really pissed her off as she expected me to be very happy to see her, but the truth is I really wasn't that bothered. But saying that, if she was gone for good I know I would feel awful, at least initially.

I reckon in the last six months I've been happy spending time with her for about 15% of the time. About 20% of the time I find her thoroughly annoying, and the rest I could take it or leave it.

I ask ft members, Is this a stage of some kind? Is continuing to battle through going to be rewarded, or are these signs that the relationship has run its course?

Edit - I should add that this has been brought on after meeting another girl who I found myself getting along with. The urge to stray has been strong. Maybe it's just the thrill of the chase I am after. This would surely be recklessly immature behavior that I would live to regret? Or would it?

[Webbo]

I reckon in the last six months I've been happy spending time with her for about 15% of the time. About 20% of the time I find her thoroughly annoying,

I've been married 20 years and I'd say that's more or less right,I'd guess she'd think the same about me. I can't/don't want to imagine living without her though.

[Vacamion]

Does anyone who has been with their partner for a long time (by that I mean 3+ years) still actually enjoy spending tome together? Do you feel any excitement at seeing your partner? What percentage of your time together would you say you genuinely enjoy more than you enjoy on your own or with other people?

I've always thought a big part of being a good partner is sticking with it through the inevitable boring times. Working hard to keep things interesting. I thought that by doing this the relationship would strengthen and ultimately happiness in the relationship would, despite having ups and downs, steadily increase.

I've been with mrs Moreland for four years (we're not married and have no kids). The first two went as I expected. A big high (the honeymoom period) followed by a correction and then a series of peaks and troughs with a gradually rising trend. The last two years, however, the peaks have got higher and the troughs have got lower. Often now I'm on the edge of wanting to let it go. Recently I was afforded some time alone. Initially I missed her but after a few days I was fine and when she came back, I was indifferent. This really pissed her off as she expected me to be very happy to see her, but the truth is I really wasn't that bothered. But saying that, if she was gone for good I know I would feel awful, at least initially.

I reckon in the last six months I've been happy spending time with her for about 15% of the time. About 20% of the time I find her thoroughly annoying, and the rest I could take it or leave it.

I ask ft members, Is this a stage of some kind? Is continuing to battle through going to be rewarded, or are these signs that the relationship has run its course?

If you are posting about your feelings for her (or lack of feelings for her) on an internet forum, instead of talking to her, I'd say that the relationship is heading for trouble.

[MikeyT]

I'm far from being an Oracle on relationships, but as Vacamion says above, you really need to sit down and have a proper chat with her. Communication is paramount in a relationship of any type. Good luck.

[BunkMoreland]

If you are posting about your feelings for her (or lack of feelings for her) on an internet forum, instead of talking to her, I'd say that the relationship is heading for trouble.

I've tried talking to her but it's a pretty exhausting conversation and leads to her getting upset and me regretting saying anything. What can I say to her really, "you bore me, do something funny for a change." She's done nothing wrong and neither have I, it's just that I wonder what the point of it all is if we arent improving or really adding anything to each others lives.

Webbo - thanks

[z-layrex]

I just got out of a 6 year relationship. I'm amazed looking back at how miserable I was and didnt even know it.

Sure i miss her to bits but life is so exciting now. It sounds to me like you're just not happy anymore?

[FoxesAreBlue]

What you should take into accoun here is that whilst people like to emphasise and share their experiences - it does not necessarily mean that it will happen that way for you.

Having being through similar things, my two cents are that (as someone else pointed out) it really is about talking to her about it - think about what you want to say and also about HOW you deliver it. But make sure that you do get your points across - it is also important to really listen to what she says.

I always start these conversations with something along the lines of:

"what I'm about to say is probably going to upset you and it's hard for me to say it too. But to make it work we need to listen to eachother and try and not get into a shouting match...."

But again, this approach might not work for you - I've had mixed success lets put it that way.

[Vacamion]

I've tried talking to her but it's a pretty exhausting conversation and leads to her getting upset and me regretting saying anything. What can I say to her really, "you bore me, do something funny for a change." She's done nothing wrong and neither have I, it's just that I wonder what the point of it all is if we arent improving or really adding anything to each others lives.

If you really do find her boring, end it.

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given is that you will spend vastly more time speaking to your partner than having sex with them (even if you use Viagra ), so you better try and end up with someone you can talk to, relate to and call your best friend.

If you can't get on in the "speaking to each other" department, and you have really tried to address it, maybe it is better to let the relationship go now rather than to have to face up to a potentially more painful split later.

[Webbo]

People aren't going to change their personalities because of a chat. You have to accept them and yourself for what they/you are.

If you're expecting almost permenant bliss you are going to be constantly disappointed with life. Marriage is 80% routine, as long as you enjoy the good times and the bad times aren't unbearable that's as much as you can expect.

[Rincewind]

Never been in a lomg relationships but my mums 2nd marriage has lasted over 25 years as has my two brothers. They all seem happy. There are things that each do that annoy their partners but on the whole they are good matches in as much having the same interests from the start. I think 3 years is a short time to say you are bored with each other. Think about what attracted you to her and try to revive that.

I am not one to giver advice though Maybe someone on here has been in a relationship for a very long time and see what their secret is.

[21st Century Fox]

I know what you mean about the elephant in the room type situation. It also depends how old you are and whether those four years have straddled a period in your life where you've both grown and changed. I went out with a girl for four years, we had the same sense of humour and were interested in the same things but she eventually morphed into a Paris Hilton look-a-like and by the end we had very little in common.

I guess you either bite the bullet and talk about it regardless or it tends to go down a given path anyway and can be pretty nasty.

[skinnydipper]

Maybe the girl in the canteen has turned your head. But when she has a bun in the oven it'll be down to you to bring home the bread.

[Bayfox]

I've been with my other half for 14 years. In the early years i found my head turned a few times as i thought things were getting a bit same old, same old.

And the thought of something new was exciting. But to be honest i always found it was short lived and i missed the comfort of the simple things i did with someone who really knew me.

Yes we have to work at our relationship and make an effort to keep a spark and make time for each other. Especially now we have kids who take up so much tume.

Yes a lot of the time we do just sit watching tv etc and dont really talk. But we love getting out for dinner etc and find that time really great still.

So just remember the grass isnt always greener. I know and if you find that out and want to go back. Its hard work. Trust me and that spare bed is a lonely place

[FoxLAD]

A lot of people I know who have been in long relationships have said the same, when they've got a Girlfriend after the honeymoon period, they want to be single. But as soon as they end it, then instantly regret it. some got lucky buy getting back with them, others not.

My advice to you, Try and do the things you did while in the honeymoon period and see if the sparks come back, if not at least you gave it a go.

[Thracian]

Haha - I had to laugh at the idea of a "long time" being three years or more. My wife and I have been together 47 years (45 years married), we've got three grown-up sons and I still love her company.

Relationships change over the years but I still thoroughly enjoy going out with my wife - to the theatre, pictures, on day trips and on all sorts of other outings - and we have absolutely no problem running a business together as well, quite the contrary.

We're different temperamentally and, apart from the interests we share, we also have different interests. But whether out with my wife, or with friends or family I set out to enjoy everything to the full and that's mostly how it turns out.

Being happy is about attitude. Whether it be work, play or marriage the more you put in the more you're likely to get out.

[FoxyPV]

Relationships are hard, and if they are to work regardless of how you feel about each other, it takes a massive amount of effort from both people.

Make sure the things that you do together are fun and not just the drudgery of everyday life.

Good luck regardless of your decision.

[BoneDog]

The best advice my first, and favourite, step-dad gave me was, 'find a girl, settle down, and if you want you can marry'.

I think that following that advice and working hard to sort out your problems is the key to happiness. In some cases it's not possible to sort out problems between couples, and you're just not suited, but I do think that many married folk just give up and separate too easily.

There's plenty of wise words in this thread. Marvellous.

[Captain...]

One of the problems is that long term relationships are not natural, you don't see it in the wild, what is natural is the urge to spread your seed with as desirable mate as possible. That is why our heads get turned by younger pretty models. So don't feel guilty about it, relationships do take work, and sometimes it doesn't feel worth it, other times it isn't worth it, but only you can know that.

[sphericalfox]

This open window explains a lot.

[SystonFox]

The best advice my first, and favourite, step-dad gave me was, find a girl, settle down, and if you want you can marry'.

I think that following that advice and working hard to sort out your problems is the key to happiness. In some cases it's not possible to sort out problems between couples, and you're just not suited, but I do think that many married folk just give up and separate too easily.

There's plenty of wise words in this thread. Marvellous.

Is your father Yussuf Islam? Amazing!

[ozleicester]

The best advice my first, and favourite, step-dad gave me was, 'find a girl, settle down, and if you want you can marry'.

I think that following that advice and working hard to sort out your problems is the key to happiness. In some cases it's not possible to sort out problems between couples, and you're just not suited, but I do think that many married folk just give up and separate too easily.

There's plenty of wise words in this thread. Marvellous.

Your stepfather is Cat Stevens? - Awesome!

From the moment i could talk, i was ordered to listen!

[The Year Of The Fox]

I'm under pressure at the moment! She wants to get married!

Been with her 5 years now. Own our own house together yet she still aint bloody happy! I'm four years older than her, so for a girl aged 22 she's doing pretty well. She can't see though that a lot of people we know have less than we yet have been together longer.

I love her, but I'm not romantic and frankly getting married to her is one of the least of my priorities. I'd like a bloody holiday next year for a start.

She doesn't realise that after literally telling me she wants me to buy an engagement ring for her this xmas that if i did itd be nothing more than a token gesture. Anyone we do know who's engaged either only rent together or don't even live together yet!

She's a good girl, heart of gold and I'm punching way above my league in the looks side of things, ****in arsey cow sometimes too, but aren't all girls?

RE the OP. She works weekends alternatively, so as today, I'm blumming enjoying laying on the sofa watching super sunday. Had i have work tomorrow I'd be a bit mardy come 9pm tonight as I've missed her all weekend and then I'm suffering from Monday blues (on the sunday night )

I value my time away from her, which when is not work related is football related. Thats my release for the day.

As for looking at other women, thats normal. You'd be gay if you didnt

[Dr The Singh]

Been married for 11 years, grass always seems greener on the other side. If your happy, why change anything, that goes for both not getting married or getting married.

[The Year Of The Fox]

Been married for 11 years, grass always seems greener on the other side. If your happy, why change anything, that goes for both not getting married or getting married.

To be fair to my missis' and its a rarity in her mainly Jeremy Kyle family, she wants to get married before having kids. Fortunately she shares my way of thinking in this.

[Dr The Singh]

To be fair to my missis' and its a rarity in her mainly Jeremy Kyle family, she wants to get married before having kids. Fortunately she shares my way of thinking in this.

Marriage shouldn't change anything, if that's her belief or principles, why not just do it!