Divorce

[srbfox]

So me and the wife (well the wife) has decided to call it a day on our marrage. We have been married for only four year but it hurts like hell. 

 

She is staying in in the family home and I've got to move out to a flat. Not great situation but am debating weather to get a nice flat or just something to use as a base  as I do spend a lot of time at work. (Six days, 14 hour days). I'm thinking a small place cut down on the cost would be a better option. 

 

Has anyone gone gone through a divorce, do you have any advice. 

 

How did it effect the kids?

 

also how did you cope with "the fear"?

 

any advice would be a great help as my decision making is all over the shop at the moment. 

 

Thanks guys

[VLC86]

I haven’t sorry mate but sorry to hear that, can’t be very nice especially when you have kids as well.

 

Only advice  would give would be to keep your chin up and talk to your family and friends about it. The longer you end up just working and working the more you probably won’t deal with it.

[Strokes]

Well what a crap time of year to go through this, all the best mate, sorry I can’t help.

[srbfox]

24 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

I haven’t sorry mate but sorry to hear that, can’t be very nice especially when you have kids as well.

 

Only advice  would give would be to keep your chin up and talk to your family and friends about it. The longer you end up just working and working the more you probably won’t deal with it.

She don't want to tell the family till after crimbo. I can understand that but she ails to see that I need to take action to secure the best possible future for myself. I love the girl but god she is being a bit childish about it all (sorry rant).

 

 

she also chose to tell me she wanted out while I have a very close relative termanly ill who passed just four days later. 

 

 

[VLC86]

13 minutes ago, srbfox said:

She don't want to tell the family till after crimbo. I can understand that but she ails to see that I need to take action to secure the best possible future for myself. I love the girl but god she is being a bit childish about it all (sorry rant).

 

 

she also chose to tell me she wanted out while I have a very close relative termanly ill who passed just four days later. 

 

 

That’s really rough mate, especially like Strokes says at this time of year.

 

Advice from a kids point of view who’s parents split up is a really daft one but when you move out is if the kids are staying put to arrange to see them the next day. When mine split up I can remember thinking I wouldn’t see my mum again, very daft I know but that’s about the only advice I can give.

 

You mentioned about moving to the coast as well, again I would just make sure that you are near people you know and your kids.

[cambridgefox]

18 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

That’s really rough mate, especially like Strokes says at this time of year.

 

Advice from a kids point of view who’s parents split up is a really daft one but when you move out is if the kids are staying put to arrange to see them the next day. When mine split up I can remember thinking I wouldn’t see my mum again, very daft I know but that’s about the only advice I can give.

 

You mentioned about moving to the coast as well, again I would just make sure that you are near people you know and your kids.

Cost not coast mate.

 

 

SRB sorry to hear your news, I'm afraid I'm not much help either.

Can I just say as much as it hurts I'm sure it will get easier.

This might sound selfish but don't give up everything.it sounds to me( I could be totally wrong) that your wife is holding the cards don't see yourself short changed. You don't have to be nasty ( not saying you are)about it but it sounds like you are a hard working lad who has worked to get where you are.

seek advice.

 

is there a chance you could get back together?

sometimes things are worth fighting for.

 

Best of luck whichever way it goes.

[ScouseFox]

don’t worry too much about the kids (how old are they?). kids are tough and if they’re young enough won’t know much of what’s happening as long as mum an dad are seemingly happy and not screeching at each other whenever they are dropped off/on the phone etc. 

 

my mum an dad divorced when I was 5 or 6, and we moved with my mum to liverpool, from leicester. pretty long way when we obviously weren’t old enough to drive or get a coach or bus by ourselves. 

 

make sure all your family is around as much as possible when they visit if you’re planning on moving to another city, and make sure you have a hobby or activities you can do. the one thing that always kept me and my old fella closer together was sport and the football, obviously. i know others who grew up in similar situations and the weekends they’d visit the other parent and be away from “home” (of course your home is also your kids home) they’d not want to go, which must be horrible for a mum/dad to see on either side. but it was what i looked forward to every two weeks, going to dads, seeing my grandad/uncle etc and going to the match. 

 

theyll soon realise you get two birthdays, two christmases and if you’re well off enough two family holidays every year which is way better than all the other kids in school  

 

 

 

obv all from the perspective of a kid in the situation as I am no way mature enough to have had a long term relationship let alone got married, had a kid and got divorced. 

 

must be tough, ride it out mate. 

[Arriba Los Zorros]

Hard luck fella, I'm very sorry to hear this, and hope you can move on from things OK. as others have said not a good time of the year for it to happen especially with your relative having just passed away. Is it 100% non recoverable, have you tried? I can't offer you much advice, just that time is a genuine tried and tested healer, friends are there and maybe you'll come to see this as a good thing if the relationship was getting you down. As for the fear, that's just called being rusty and out of the game!!

[srbfox]

Thanks for the advice lads. Your right. She is holding all the cards. It's tricky as I have given up a lot for this relationship to work. Mates I haven't seen any since the WBA draw in the title run in, family are stick back in Leicester and I'm a good way down south. It sounds "sad" and I don't mean to sound a lost cause etc  but I'm just left with a job in lucky enough to enjoy and can work when I like in a number of city's I like. I'll stay close to the little one as she is a right daddy's girl. I'm not going to get nasty but will start to but my foot down! 

 

Life hey! 

[srbfox]

1 minute ago, Arriba Los Zorros said:

Hard luck fella, I'm very sorry to hear this, and hope you can move on from things OK. as others have said not a good time of the year for it to happen especially with your relative having just passed away. Is it 100% non recoverable, have you tried? I can't offer you much advice, just that time is a genuine tried and tested healer, friends are there and maybe you'll come to see this as a good thing if the relationship was getting you down. As for the fear, that's just called being rusty and out of the game!!

 

She is unwilling to try, i m not gonna lie it's been rocky for a while. However she is ten years young then me and I think that's a major clash as she does not seem to want to work and anything. Weather it be relationships etc 

[Alf Bentley]

2 hours ago, srbfox said:

So me and the wife (well the wife) has decided to call it a day on our marrage. We have been married for only four year but it hurts like hell. 

 

She is staying in in the family home and I've got to move out to a flat. Not great situation but am debating weather to get a nice flat or just something to use as a base  as I do spend a lot of time at work. (Six days, 14 hour days). I'm thinking a small place cut down on the cost would be a better option. 

 

Has anyone gone gone through a divorce, do you have any advice. 

 

How did it effect the kids?

 

also how did you cope with "the fear"?

 

any advice would be a great help as my decision making is all over the shop at the moment. 

 

Thanks guys

 

Have been going through this myself (separated 3 months, just got Decree Nisi, expecting Decree Absolute in 1-2 months).

 

Proviso: Don't assume that any advice (including mine) is applicable to you. So many factors can make situations different (personality of partners, childcare arrangements, age of kids, nature of relationships, income/finances, who owns home etc.)

 

Having said that...

- Consider marriage guidance by Relate if you are both prepared to consider that it might NOT be all over (even if you think it probably is)

-  You can basically only get divorced via 2 years of separation, infidelity of 1 spouse or 1 spouse alleging "unreasonable behaviour" by the other, who does not contest it (my situation). You can agree the "unreasonable behaviour" in advance to ensure it isn't damaging to you. Or you can just separate, possibly with a "separation agreement", and wait to divorce after 2 years of separation

- If you can reach an agreement between you, with legal advice, it'll probably cost each of you about £3k-£5k (less without using solicitors, but obvious risks in that).

- If you end up with a contested court case (re. child custody/access, maintenance payments, ownership of home etc.), it's likely to cost each of you a significant 5-figure sum

- Mediation is a means of negotiating an agreement on divorce terms that can limit the risk of ending up in court & can avoid/minimise solicitors' fees. We used mediators (solicitors who specialise in mediation). It costs high hundreds for 4-5 sessions. Mediators are less focused on confrontation than general solicitors, in my experience. It wasn't perfect, but I'd recommend it - particularly if you're both all over the shop. With the high stakes, things can quickly escalate and get seriously nasty and needlessly expensive.

- Solicitors can inflame the conflict between a couple. This certainly happened with us: my bloke was forever suggesting that proposed agreements were unfair to me; hers was suggesting the same agreements were unfair to her. It's easy to be cynical about that, as solicitors get more fees the more conflict there is, but I reckon it's partly that they feel they have to show their client that they're battling hard to get him/her a good deal

- You say you've "got to move out to a flat"....why? I know sometimes it's the best thing to do, or unavoidable so as to avoid major hostility, but many legal experts recommend avoiding it if possible - or at least getting some sort of provisional agreement about child access and/or finances before provisionally moving out. Otherwise, you can be depicted as having "abandoned the kids/property", which can be used against you in a contested case.

- I appreciate that cost is always an issue, but presuming you want to carry on playing an active role as a Dad, won't you need somewhere decent for the kids to stay/visit? That's another reason to make sure you get a fair deal financially. I've moved to a rented 2-bed terrace so as to have somewhere decent for my daughter to stay, though I'd have been fine with somewhere smaller for myself alone. Stay close by if you can (assuming you still want a strong relationship with your kids).

- Courts always make children's interests their No. 1 priority, so if your wife is the main carer and she/your kids want to stay there, she'll probably end up with the family home....but other capital/prospects of capital/income can sometimes be set against that. [Edit: or it might be possible for her to have possession of the home, but for you both to still own it until it is sold in future]

- If you're the main wage earner, you'll probably have to pay maintenance, but that has set minimum rates (lower than I expected) & is not usually decided by the court. Here's an online calculator:  https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

You might want to be generous and offer higher maintenance than the minimum rates, to minimise the chances of conflict escalating & to get concessions for better access to your kids or a better deal on capital (assets, cash in bank etc.)

- How it affects kids will vary widely depending on the age/personality/security of the kids, their relationship with both of you etc. My daughter (13) has taken our split very well - in fact, I think she was quite relieved as she knew we'd been arguing and was sometimes affected by the bad atmosphere. However, we were lucky as our split came at a good time for her (friendships going well, feeling confident); if it had happened a year earlier, she'd have found it a lot tougher, I suspect. Being clear about what is happening and seeing plenty of quality time with both of you (separately) is probably the best thing.

- I'd say to try to avoid other family members getting involved, unless they're exceptionally fair, wise people. My sister-in-law got involved and added a heap of stress and conflict to our situation.

- Not sure exactly what you mean by "the fear"? There's certainly a heap of stress involved, though. I suppose all you can do is try to think things through calmly, get good advice and avoid the conflict getting worse, if possible (very hard because of the high stakes).

 

PM me if you want, though I'm new to all this, too (though further down the line) so no expert - and there'll be all sorts of differences between our 2 situations, I'm sure.

All the best otherwise.

I nearly started a thread like this myself a couple of months back...

[srbfox]

4 minutes ago, Arriba Los Zorros said:

Hard luck fella, I'm very sorry to hear this, and hope you can move on from things OK. as others have said not a good time of the year for it to happen especially with your relative having just passed away. Is it 100% non recoverable, have you tried? I can't offer you much advice, just that time is a genuine tried and tested healer, friends are there and maybe you'll come to see this as a good thing if the relationship was getting you down. As for the fear, that's just called being rusty and out of the game!!

I never left the game, just watched on 

[Arriba Los Zorros]

1 minute ago, srbfox said:

 

She is unwilling to try, i m not gonna lie it's been rocky for a while. However she is ten years young then me and I think that's a major clash as she does not seem to want to work and anything. Weather it be relationships etc 

 

Just now, srbfox said:

I never left the game, just watched on

Maybe it's best its happened now then and you can find someone more compatible rather than wasting away time in an unhappy relationship. As other people have said the kids will be fine as long as they don't become pawns in the divorce and after it

[VLC86]

33 minutes ago, cambridgefox said:

Cost not coast mate.

 

Thought it was a typo 

[GLC]

4 hours ago, srbfox said:

So me and the wife (well the wife) has decided to call it a day on our marrage. We have been married for only four year but it hurts like hell. 

 

She is staying in in the family home and I've got to move out to a flat. Not great situation but am debating weather to get a nice flat or just something to use as a base  as I do spend a lot of time at work. (Six days, 14 hour days). I'm thinking a small place cut down on the cost would be a better option. 

 

Has anyone gone gone through a divorce, do you have any advice. 

 

How did it effect the kids?

 

also how did you cope with "the fear"?

 

any advice would be a great help as my decision making is all over the shop at the moment. 

 

Thanks guys

Going through a divorce myself right now... I know it's cliche, But time is an amazing healer! 

Don't bottle up your emotions, Find someone to talk to and be honest with yourself. 

 

It's been 5 months for me, The divorce got signed yesterday and it still hurts! But I live in my own place and I'm at peace with it all.

 

Edit: I caught mine in bed with someone else, We had separated 2 days previous, So technically it was adultery, she filed for unreasonable behaviour and i used that to get a better financial settlement.   

[Guest]

9 hours ago, srbfox said:

So me and the wife (well the wife) has decided to call it a day on our marrage. We have been married for only four year but it hurts like hell. 

 

She is staying in in the family home and I've got to move out to a flat. Not great situation but am debating weather to get a nice flat or just something to use as a base  as I do spend a lot of time at work. (Six days, 14 hour days). I'm thinking a small place cut down on the cost would be a better option. 

 

Has anyone gone gone through a divorce, do you have any advice. 

 

How did it effect the kids?

 

also how did you cope with "the fear"?

 

any advice would be a great help as my decision making is all over the shop at the moment. 

 

Thanks guys

Sorry to hear this mate.

 

The first thing I'd do is point out she's ending it so she's the one leaving the house, unless it wasn't a joint purchase. Though I suppose you're work might make this less viable.

 

I haven't been divorced but I have split with the mother of my child.

 

I was an absolute mess for 6 months, though this was because she was nuts and stopped me seeing my young daughter which needed intervention.through the courts. First thing you do is demand half the time (specifically half the nights over every two week period) as this will mean no child maintenance. Again, you will need to think about what's important to you to decide how far towards equal time you can go. Get it drawn up into a contract. If she messes about on wanting to control access then, if you can afford it, get legal advice asap. The Citizens Advice Bureau who'll be able to point you towards a legal firm that give first-hour-free advice.

[lee7]

9 hours ago, srbfox said:

So me and the wife (well the wife) has decided to call it a day on our marrage. We have been married for only four year but it hurts like hell. 

 

She is staying in in the family home and I've got to move out to a flat. Not great situation but am debating weather to get a nice flat or just something to use as a base  as I do spend a lot of time at work. (Six days, 14 hour days). I'm thinking a small place cut down on the cost would be a better option. 

 

Has anyone gone gone through a divorce, do you have any advice. 

 

How did it effect the kids?

 

also how did you cope with "the fear"?

 

any advice would be a great help as my decision making is all over the shop at the moment. 

 

Thanks guys

I can't really help with the divorce situation as luckily enough I've never had to go through one.

 

But similarly to the poster above I've been through a similar type of break up. 

 

I was with my sons Mum for about 3 years and we had lived together for 2 when she decided to call it a day on our relationship. My lad had only just turned 1 at the time and for me it was heartbreaking to think I wouldn't see him everyday anymore.

I moved an hour away from him back home and used to travel everyday for around 2 months after I moved out to spend minimul amounts of time with my son (she was really childish at the time and would only allow me that).  

I kept doing it though and in those 2 months she proved that she couldn't care for him on her own. 

He's nearly 4 now and has lived with me ever since 

 

At first it was a real struggle and money was really tight as I left my ex with the house we had and I decided it was much easier to just start afresh! 

Since then me and my son have travelled extensively and done more in 4 years than most families could do in 20! 

 

The above poster gave some really good advice. 

 

I would say from my experience just remember to always put your child first. Try not to argue infront of her.

When you do get time with her just make sure it is 'quality' time and you make the most of it. My son goes to his mums only at weekends and gets upset about going most weeks. When he is there he asks to come home and I think that's down to the fact she doesn't actually do much with him. 

 

If I could go back now and split up I would do it all over again because although he will now be brought up with his parents separated I feel he will have a much happier upbringing and a better quality of life. The relationship I was in was volatile and that's not a situation I'd ever want to put my son in. I was fortunate he was so young when it happened. 

 

As for fearing being alone, don't worry about it. Just focus on your daughter & then after 6 months you might feel your in a better place to start dating again. 

[srbfox]

Guys I must say this advice has been brilliant. Today I woke up in a much positive mind set and a lot clearer on what I should be doing. You've all gone above and beyond. 

 

Have a a great Christmas. 

 

oh and she is a Man Utd fan (not from Manchester obvs) so three points on Saturday night and I will be laughing my Allens off 

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

10 hours ago, ScouseFox said:

obv all from the perspective of a kid in the situation as I am no way mature enough to have had a long term relationship

 

you've got a long term relationship with the sesh

[whoareyaaa]

55 minutes ago, srbfox said:

Guys I must say this advice has been brilliant. Today I woke up in a much positive mind set and a lot clearer on what I should be doing. You've all gone above and beyond. 

 

Have a a great Christmas. 

 

oh and she is a Man Utd fan (not from Manchester obvs) so three points on Saturday night and I will be laughing my Allens off 

Live your life mate, there are plenty more women out there anyway about 3 billion off them enjoy the single life for a bit without the weight of a relationship!

[Footballwipe]

As someone about to get married in just under seven months you guys are really filling me with excitement and anticipation for the years ahead  

[Gerard]

Don't play the "knight in shining armour" and make sure you financially get everything you can when you do divorce. Even is she has to move house to pay you off then so be it, don't worry about the kids they'll soon get used to the situation.

 

She's the one who wanted the divorce so don't let her emotionally blackmail you about the kids welfare, etc. At some point she'll probably be living with a new guy and you don't want him living off your goodwill and sweat. Make sure you get everything out the divorce settlement that you are owed or you'll regret not doing it at some point, remember this is her doing, not yours, it's time for some self preservation.

[The Quick Brown Fox]

I got Divorced after 3 years of marriage, my choice to leave. I missed my wife greatly and of the women I met after none compared to her and I couldn't settle with anyone else. We met up 3 years later and reconciled, we are now twice wed and we now have 2 gorgeous kiddies. I'm happier than I have ever been, it took me leaving to see just how good I had it. Maybe this will happen to you, you never know. 

 

But while it's still raw, don't say or do anything you may come to regret. Something I never did, was say anything negative about my ex after we split. 

 

Look at the positives of the split, as hard as it may seem there will be some. The time of year is shit, especially as she wants to keep it quiet until after. 

 

Hope you sort everything for you and you child. 

[Alf Bentley]

I'm now divorced, apparently.

 

My solicitor hasn't got round to telling me yet, but my soon-to-be-ex-wife tells me that I'm now her ex-husband. Her solicitor has received the Decree Absolute.

Back when such a development was purely hypothetical, I'd have imagined feeling either heartbroken or delighted at this. Now, I'm just quietly relieved and satisfied. I've been focusing on the future, not the past for a long while now.

 

Although technically she's divorcing me on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (moi?!), it's by mutual agreement and what we've both wanted for a long while - just the only way of doing it without remaining separated but married for 2 years.

Went to Relate about 4 years ago and decided to give it another go, but that fizzled out within months.

 

I didn't realise that the divorce could proceed before the Consent Order, though (Consent Order stipulates financial and other terms for the divorce). That and the less legally powerful Parenting Agreement have yet to be approved.

[Webbo]

18 minutes ago, Alf Bentley said:

I'm now divorced, apparently.

 

My solicitor hasn't got round to telling me yet, but my soon-to-be-ex-wife tells me that I'm now her ex-husband. Her solicitor has received the Decree Absolute.

Back when such a development was purely hypothetical, I'd have imagined feeling either heartbroken or delighted at this. Now, I'm just quietly relieved and satisfied. I've been focusing on the future, not the past for a long while now.

 

Although technically she's divorcing me on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (moi?!), it's by mutual agreement and what we've both wanted for a long while - just the only way of doing it without remaining separated but married for 2 years.

Went to Relate about 4 years ago and decided to give it another go, but that fizzled out within months.

 

I didn't realise that the divorce could proceed before the Consent Order, though (Consent Order stipulates financial and other terms for the divorce). That and the less legally powerful Parenting Agreement have yet to be approved.

Can't be a pleasant experience for anyone. Is there a replacement on the horizon or are you not looking yet?