The joke thread

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"Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2 Tone ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like 'Ghost Town' and 'Too Much Too Young". 

 

"Well, that's true", I said to the waiter. "But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about the specials".

[Wherethefoxhat?]

I'v built a prototype Jumbo Jet made entirely out of rubber.

If it has to perform an emergency landing it will bounce .

I'v called it the Boing 747 !

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I bought a new carpet today.

 

He's a gerbil named Roger and he lives in my glove-box.

[foxer]

A friend of mine has been struggling for the last couple of years with an addiction. He was addicted to Hokey Cokey.

 

But he's turned it around now and that's what its all about.

[jonthefox]

I bought a new carpet today.

 

He's a gerbil named Roger and he lives in my glove-box.

 

 

[Saxondale]

I'm returning my sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.

[MikeyT]

A friend of mine has been struggling for the last couple of years with an addiction. He was addicted to Hokey Cokey.

 

But he's turned it around now and that's what its all about.

Ha

[Captain...]

After hearing about the proposed boycott of the Winter Olympics in Russia due to their anti-gay laws, the English football team have agreed to support this stance by not qualifying for the World Cup in Russia.

[Zingari]

Edinburgh Fringe

 

The top 10 jokes were:

 

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

 

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

 

Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

 

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

 

Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

 

Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

 

Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

 

Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

 

Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

 

Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

 

 

Superb 

[Trav Le Bleu]

I thought the Tim Vine and Bobby Mair ones were quite funny.

[Beliall]

I'v built a prototype Jumbo Jet made entirely out of rubber.

If it has to perform an emergency landing it will bounce .

I'v called it the Boing 747 !

 

 

I'm returning my sausage dog to the pet shop, because the sausages he makes taste revolting.

 

 

brilliant

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Just been to Mount Olive.

God knows what Popeye will say when he finds out.

[Guest MattP]

Talk about pressure...

Just got the job as the artist in the Rolf Harris courtcase.

Edited 29 August 2013 by MattP

[Beliall]

[Rincewind]

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Guest MattP]

Not bad that Ken

[jonthefox]

What happened to your old sig Matt. It didn't half make me 

[Guest MattP]

What happened to your old sig Matt. It didn't half make me 

 

Rincewind actually told me it insulted him so as a goodwill gesture I removed it.

Edited 30 August 2013 by MattP

[Rincewind]

Rincewind actually told me it insulted him so as a goodwill gesture I removed it.

I can understand why it was there but the typos get on my nerves as much as yours. Need my PC sorting out. Think the bloke who offered to fix it is on holiday next week

Just need to sort a couple of personal financial issues out then I'll know where I stand.

[Rincewind]

There was a couple at an old peoples home that had the hots for each other

so one night they decided to get it on.

'What's your favourite way?' asks the old lady.

'Oral' Replied the old man.

'Okay' she says, 'You go first.

So he goes down and within moments he's back up.

'Uggh, that is disgusting,' He splutters.

'Sorry about that, ' the old lady says, 'it's my arthritis.'

'Arthritis? you don't get arthritis there.'

'I know,'the old woman says,' It's in my arms and I can't wipe my arse.'

 

 

And with that it's goodnight from me.

Edited 3 September 2013 by Rincewind

[Rincewind]

Pinocchio went to see his doctor.

Doc I have an embarrassing problem with mu pen1s.it's flaking.

OK says the doc drop your trousers and underwear and I;ll take a look.

Pinocchio  does and after examining Pinocchio;s pride and joy the doc says

'Ah I see your problem, you are going left to right instead of up and down.'

 

 

Sorry, I;d get my hat if I hadn't lost it today.

[One Arm Babba]

Pinocchio went to see his doctor.

Doc I have an embarrassing problem with mu pen1s.it's flaking.

OK says the doc drop your trousers and underwear and I;ll take a look.

Pinocchio  does and after examining Pinocchio;s pride and joy the doc says

'Ah I see your problem, you are going left to right instead of up and down.'

 

 

Sorry, I;d get my hat if I hadn't lost it today.

Worst joke on the whole 122 pages so far. It makes no sense

[MC Prussian]

 

You want to hear a joke?

 

EA Sports.

[Orkneyfox]

Dr. Watson picked up a piece of stone.

Puzzled, he asked Sherlock, "What type of rock is this?"

 "Sedimentary, my dear Watson."

[Smudge]

A Custody Case
 

Federal Court Ruling from The Courier Mail
 

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child
custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained
to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried
out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the
Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone. 
 

Edited 6 September 2013 by Smudge