The joke thread

[Jimmy]

that is awful

[The God Emperor]

an awful one someone at work told me the other day.

 

2 Irishmen are in a pub chatting about films

 

one of the Irishmen says "whats the name of that film set in ancient Greece with Brad Pitt in it? I cant think of the name of it"

 

"Troy" 

 

"I am Paddy, but I still cant remember" 

[Zingari]

an irishman is in the pub doing the crossword.

 

"i'm stuck on this one ; five letters T_ _ _T , and the clue is , to egg on"

 

"that's easy" said his mate , "the answer is toast" 

[The Horse's Mouth]

Foxestalk.

[jonthefox]

Foxestalk.

 

 

I don't get it.

[sylofox]

No I can't would get a life ban.

 

FAF might be worth it though lol

[whitlock]

Who's going to be the face of Uncle Ben's now?

[Zingari]

Who's going to be the face of Uncle Ben's now?

i know i really shouldn't but,  

[separator]

Large crowds are said to be gathering outside Nelson Mandela's house.

Police in Peckham are on a high state of alert.

[jonthefox]

Two well known brands have disappeared off the high street this week. 

 

Blockbuster and nissan main dealer.

[Webbo]

Two snowmen in a garden. One turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots"

[separator]

Sean Connery returns home to find all of his electrical equipment gone and his car replaced with a horse and cart.

 

"Shomething is Amish here", he thought.

[BenKimberlin]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

brilliant

Because he kneaded a poo.

Edited 9 December 2013 by BenKimberlin

[Guest MattP]

Tom Daley is getting the Olympic flag tattooed on his arse....

He has already started on the red ring.

[Mike Oxlong]

Michael Barrymore has said that he was delighted to hear that Tom Daley is gay. He said it's great to finally find someone who can take it up the arse and swim.

[Webbo]

Bloke walks into a bar

 

"Can I have ten pints of Lager please"....Drinks them all, turns to the barman

 

"Can I have ten pints of bitter please"...Drinks them all ,staggers over to the barman

 

"Do you sell shorts?"

 

"Yes sir" replied the barman

 

"Then sell me a pair I've just shit myself"

[foxfanazer]

Delete this one if it's too bad mods

Tom Daley has decided to abstain from sexual intercourse before entering diving competitions. A ggaping hole would whistle on the way down

Edited 10 December 2013 by foxfanazer

[Beliall]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says. What sort of horse?', said the owner. 'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth. 'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses snatch, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?

[joeasis]

heard this today, it tickled me for some reason. I'm sure nobody else will find it funny at all..

what's blue and fluffy?

 

blue fluff

[StanSP]

heard this today, it tickled me for some reason. I'm sure nobody else will find it funny at all..

what's blue and fluffy?

 

blue fluff

 

If you're 5, you'll find it hilarious.

[Wakeyfox]

heard this today, it tickled me for some reason. I'm sure nobody else will find it funny at all..

what's blue and fluffy?

 

blue fluff

 

You'll love these then;

 

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick

 

 

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrott

 

 

 

 

© my 8 year old son.

[ADK]

The second one isn't so bad.

[Tinman]

I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.

 

They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.

 

All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on notts forest to win

[Beliall]

Sad news at the nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

[separator]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

 

Dubai doesn't like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do