The joke thread

[Rincewind]

I was chatting to a beautiful girl the other day in a bar. We got talking and she asked if I had a partner. I said I did have a girl but she walked out on me a few weeks ago. Anyway we had a few drinks and she invited me back to her place.

After a couple more drinks we made hot passionate love several times. In the morning as I was getting dressed she said to me. I find it hard to believe that someone like you who is good looking and a fantastic lover would have a girlfriend that walks out on you. Do you mind telling me why she would do such a thing?

No, I don't mind  telling you at all- I answered--------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my wife found out

[Parafox]

I see that guy from Hinckley with the Star Trek replica room has been done for child porn.

 

The judge said he was warped.

[separator]

Dick Van Dyke

 

The three most important things in a lesbian rape scene.

[Webbo]

Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours.

 

 

 

 

 

Talk about a real worst case scenario. 

[Lamby]

Came home yesterday to find a load of middle eastern market stalls in my garden.
How bazaar.

[separator]

My wife's just finished a 12 hour shift.

 

I knew she would find 1st gear eventually.

[Smudge]

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" a woman asked her husband.

"No"  said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband?

"No, no, I haven't"  he said (with an anxious catch in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
 
He took the crumpled fifty pound note, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said. "Have you ever seen £10,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never"  he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused, and excited).
 

"Well, go and look in the garage!

Edited 23 September 2013 by Smudge

[Saxondale]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his bad diet he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

[Guest Bilo]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his bad diet he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

 

 

Stolen and on Facey!

[Saxondale]

It's really cold in Motown. 

 

Three degrees, four tops.

[Smudge]

It's really cold in Motown. 

 

Three degrees, four tops.

Is det roit?

[Webbo]

Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?

[jonthefox]

Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?

 

Took me a while.

[jonthefox]

Chinese take away: £18.  
Price to get it delivered: £2.   
Opening the bag and realising they forgot one of your containers: Riceless

[foz.foz]

A man comes home and gives his wife a cocksucking frog,

She said "What the **** do you want me to do with this?"

He said, "Teach it to cook!"

[Orkneyfox]

I knicked this one:

 

Our daughter ran away from our home in Hull when she was only fifteen.

After three years of searching, I found her sleeping rough on the streets of London.

As we hugged each other,  tears running down our faces, I said, "My god, lass, you've done well for yourself." 

[Parafox]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his bad diet he suffered from bad breath.

 

This made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

 Very good.

 

Reminds me of The Sun back page headline after Inverness beat Celtic 3-2 from 2-0 down:

 

Super Cally Go Ballistic Celtic Are Atrocious

[separator]

I've had a fvcking awful day. First of all I got punched by a medieval poet, and then later I slipped up on a sausage.

 

Things have just gone from bard to wurst.

[FoxesAreBlue]

That's terrible but

[Mike Oxlong]

Got arrested yesterday when the cops found me in the local park balls deep in a packet of Cheerios. Now they've accused me of being a cereal rapist.

Edited 14 October 2013 by Mike Oxlong

[Webbo]

True story reported by an British guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

 

The British guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the British guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 

'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'

'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

The Brit, with a grin on his face, replies; 'Do you understand that I'm British, like my car, which is right-hand-drive, and that my wife is actually sitting in the other seat, which is the one behind the steering wheel?'

[Beliall]

 

[Corky]

I rang Sea Life Centre earlier to book a visit and they wondered if some of the animals could listen to the call.

 

They said it was for training porpoises.

[Tielemans63]

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

[Renart]

Woman : Do you drink beer ?

Man : Yes

Woman : How many beers a day ?

Man : Usually about 3

Woman : How much do you pay per beer ?

Man : $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman : And how long have you been drinking ?

Man : About 20 years, I suppose

Woman : So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day - which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5.400, correct ?

Man : Correct

Woman : If in 1 year you spend $5.400, not accounting for inflation, the past twenty years puts your spending at $108.000, correct ?

Man : Correct

Woman : Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account-  and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ?

Man : Correct. Now, my turn : do you drink beer ?

Woman : No

Man : Where's your Ferrari ?