The joke thread

[Izzy]

8 minutes ago, Parafox said:

You must spend your whole life on Google 

  

 

O.K. then, here’s a joke of my own for all you mind readers out there...

[Great Boos Up]

2 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

  

 

O.K. then, here’s a joke of my own for all you mind readers out there...

You sick ba$t@rd !

[Parafox]

4 minutes ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

  

 

O.K. then, here’s a joke of my own for all you mind readers out there...

Actually just as rubbish as I expected it to be.

[Izzy]

I went shopping today and bought the wife some crotchless panties for Halloween.

 

She asked, "Is that so I can look sexy?"

"Nah," I replied, "It’s so you get a better grip on your broomstick"

[Parafox]

I can't eat that chocolate hazelnut spread without my face swelling up.

 

It seems I have a Nuttelargy.

[Parafox]

Kids are like phones on a contract.

 

Get a slow one and you're stuck with it for years.

[Webbo]

My grandad died doing what he loved.

 

Surprising tigers.

[Carl the Llama]

Literally no idea why I keep clicking on this thread.

[Trav Le Bleu]

4 minutes ago, Webbo said:

My grandad died doing what he loved.

 

Surprising tigers.

My mate always wanted to die by being run over by a steam train.

 

When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

[Webbo]

A very shy and reserved couple married and went on honeymoon. Neither had seen the other naked. When the man removed his shirt, his wife commented on the size of his elbows.

"I had elbola as a child."

"Don't you mean ebola?"

"No, elbola, it makes your elbows get big."

Then he took his shoes and socks off, and she commented on the size of his toes.

"I had tolio as a child."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it makes your toes grow big."

The he took his trousers off, and she commented on the size of his knees.

"I had kneemonia as a child."

"Don't you mean pneumonia?"

"No, kneemonia, it makes your knees grow big."

The he took his underpants off.

"You didn't have dicktheria then?" she asked.

""No," he said, "smallcox..........."

[Tuna]

I got chatting to a girl in a club last night and I asked her what she was into.

 

She said, "I really love sex and the city."

 

I replied, "What a coincidence, so do I. Who's your favourite city player?"

[Alf Bentley]

48 minutes ago, Tuna said:

I got chatting to a girl in a club last night and I asked her what she was into.

 

She said, "I really love sex and the city."

 

I replied, "What a coincidence, so do I. Who's your favourite city player?"

 

"Fuchs", she replied

 

"Mahrez (My Res, geddit) should suit you then", I retorted.

 

 

I'll get my coat. I've not pulled.

[Parafox]

Butterflies.

 

They're not what they used to be.

[separator]

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

 

Annette

[Izzy]

I got my Viagra pills mixed up with my sleeping pills...

 

....and ended up having forty w@nks

[Parafox]

1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I got my Viagra pills mixed up with my sleeping pills...

 

....and ended up having forty w@nks

Below even your standard. Barrel scraping?

[Izzy]

7 hours ago, Parafox said:

Below even your standard. Barrel scraping?

Why the constant abuse from you?

 

Anyone would think I’m shagging your missus 

[Durnerz]

On 21/10/2017 at 18:41, bovril said:

My girlfriend dumped me for fondling pasta.

 

Now I'm feeling cannelloni. 

 

All these pasta jokes just keep on turning up......like a bad penne 

[Alf Bentley]

5 minutes ago, Durnerz said:

All these pasta jokes just keep on turning up......like a bad penne 

 

I heard they've set up a celebrity-led Pasta Joke College on Merseyside.

 

It's headed by Paul McCartney and Wayne Rooney.

 

They've named it the Macca-Rooney Joke College.

[Durnerz]

1 minute ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

I heard they've set up a celebrity-led Pasta Joke College on Merseyside.

 

It's headed by Paul McCartney and Wayne Rooney.

 

They've named it the Macca-Rooney Joke College.

 

Is that like Willie Donachie and Phil babb's tribute band dedication to Turkish food?

 

The Donachie Babb 

 

 

[Izzy]

I’ve decided to take the kids to see a fireworks display this year.

 

They've got a lovely one in ASDA.

[notnow john]

My boss has just announced he is going to sack the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it could be me.

[Alf Bentley]

7 hours ago, notnow john said:

My boss has just announced he is going to sack the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it could be me.

 

On the other hand, I heard he's going to give a prize to the employee attracting the most attention.

I think you're in with a shout.

[the fox]

when someone is being laughed at because of his bad sense of humor and it's not you

 

[the fox]

On 28/10/2017 at 00:25, Carl the Llama said:

Literally no idea why I keep clicking on this thread.

oh come on carl, if you aren't laughing at the jokes you are laughing at people making fun of other people