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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted

I went out for a kickabout with my girlfriend last weekend. 

 

I must have scored 100 goals against her in the first 10 minutes.

 

It was then I realised she wasn't a keeper.

 

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

I had a note attached to my windscreen this morning that said, "Parking fine"

 

I was actually pointing slightly too far to the left at the front, but that was nice wasn't it.

  • Popular Post
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

I used to go out with a girl who suffered from really bad eczema.

 

She had cracking tits...

  • Like 2
  • Haha 8
Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted

I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.

 

I took one bite and said, 'It’s stale, mate.'

 

He seemed surprised and said, 'No, mate.'

 

I handed it to him and said, 'Check mate.'

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1
Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Tuna said:

I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.

 

I took one bite and said, 'It’s stale, mate.'

 

He seemed surprised and said, 'No, mate.'

 

I handed it to him and said, 'Check mate.'

 

He must have thought you were a rookie and a pawn in his hands.

  • Like 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I used to go out with a girl who suffered from really bad eczema.

 

She had cracking tits...

Image result for the book of crap jokes

 

Izzy's Christmas present last year :P

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Image result for the book of crap jokes

 

Izzy's Christmas present last year :P

Image result for ooh get you meme

 

Getting your own back for the Matt Prio thread I see lol

 

I like your style :thumbup:

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

Image result for ooh get you meme

 

Getting your own back for the Matt Prio thread I see lol

 

I like your style :thumbup:

Yep. 

 

The Matt Prio thread is unique. I googled the name hoping that maybe, just maybe, there was someone with that name.

 

There isn't :nono:

TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
49 minutes ago, Parafox said:

Yep. 

 

The Matt Prio thread is unique. I googled the name hoping that maybe, just maybe, there was someone with that name.

 

There isn't :nono:

There's a Matt Prio on Facebook. His (alleged)  hometown is fully deserving of a place in the joke thread too!

Screenshot_20171025-125930.png

  • Haha 2
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted (edited)

I own a small antique bookshop, lovely little place.

 

Yesterday I had a really bad accident when a load of books fell on top of me.

 

I considered ringing one of those injury claim hotline numbers, but I've only got my shelf to blame.

Edited by Izzy Muzzett
StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, TiffToff88 said:

There's a Matt Prio on Facebook. His (alleged)  hometown is fully deserving of a place in the joke thread too!

Screenshot_20171025-125930.png

his mum/sister are from the same place as well. 

TiffToff88

TiffToff88

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, StanSP said:

his mum/sister are from the same place as well. 

To be fair, I'd imagine quite a lot of people come from intercourse...

  • Haha 1
Alf Bentley

Alf Bentley

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I was blessed with a 12 inch knob.

 

The priest is still in jail...

 

That's a shame for your religious education.

 

If he'd got parole, you might have witnessed the Second Coming.

  • Like 1
Tuna

Tuna

Posted
Posted

I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while i go to the pub.

 

Well, she always said she wanted a night in, shining armour !

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

A boy comes home late from school.

"Where've you been"? his dad asks.

"Sorry I'm late, dad. I've been having sex with my teacher"

"Wow" says his dad. "Good for you son, it's all part of growing up. I'm so chuffed I'm going to buy you a new bike"

"Thanks dad", replies the boy. "But I won't be able to ride it for a few days. My arse is still sore"

  • Like 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted

A old woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor", she says "I've had enough being a lonely widow, I want to die, I'm going to shoot myself".

"Well my dear", says the doc. "That's not really a solution, but I can't stop you if you're determined"

"I am, I'm very determined I want to die. Tell me, where's the heart"?

"Under your left breast", The doc replies.

A week later he found out she shot herself in the knee.

Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Parafox said:

A boy comes home late from school.

"Where've you been"? his dad asks.

"Sorry I'm late, dad. I've been having sex with my teacher"

"Wow" says his dad. "Good for you son, it's all part of growing up. I'm so chuffed I'm going to buy you a new bike"

"Thanks dad", replies the boy. "But I won't be able to ride it for a few days. My arse is still sore"

 

3 hours ago, Parafox said:

A old woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor", she says "I've had enough being a lonely widow, I want to die, I'm going to shoot myself".

"Well my dear", says the doc. "That's not really a solution, but I can't stop you if you're determined"

"I am, I'm very determined I want to die. Tell me, where's the heart"?

"Under your left breast", The doc replies.

A week later he found out she shot herself in the knee.

I guess the severe lack of reps for either says it all really :whistle:

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

I guess the severe lack of reps for either says it all really :whistle:

Give it time. These are slow burners. You didn't reach your dizzy heights until at least 7,200 posts :P

I don't post in order to get rep points.

 

 

 

unlike some people...:ph34r:

Edited by Parafox
Buce

Buce

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

 

I guess the severe lack of reps for either says it all really :whistle:

 

oh, the irony.jpg

Edited by Buce
  • Haha 2
Izzy

Izzy

Posted
Posted

I bumped into my mate Dave this morning.

 

Dave's only got one arm due to a motorbike accident.

 

I asked him what he was up to, and he said "I'm going to change a light bulb for my Mum".

 

I said "fvck me Dave, thats gonna be a bit difficult innit?"

 

He said " No it’s fine, I've got the receipt"

  • Haha 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Izzy Muzzett said:

I bumped into my mate Dave this morning.

 

Dave's only got one arm due to a motorbike accident.

 

I asked him what he was up to, and he said "I'm going to change a light bulb for my Mum".

 

I said "fvck me Dave, thats gonna be a bit difficult innit?"

 

He said " No it’s fine, I've got the receipt"

You must spend your whole life on Google :P

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